Posted by: Julie | 2004/11/12

Just found out I am pregnant and suddenly terrified

I have just found out I am pregnant, it was planned and we do want to have a child. I had a feeling it wouldn’t happen as I suffer from ovarian cysts and fibroids, but it happened after just a couple of months of trying. I am just feeling terrified now about the whole prospect of being pregnant, childbirth and being a parent. When we did the pregnancy test and it came out positive I was very excited especially as I am in my 30’s and know time is running out to have children but now the reality of it is settling in and I am scared. I just heard a story about a friend of a friend that is 8 months pregnant and her husband just left her for another woman. I would hate for this kind of things to happen to me as it seems a lot of husbands can’t handle the responsibility of having a child. My brother also left his wife a couple of years after they had their first child. I am afraid that having a child will cause relationship problems but at the same time my husband seems excited and happy about having a child. I will also have to work full time after maternity leave which is a worry as I don’t know how I will cope with that. I don’t want grow old and never have experienced having and raising a child as I think it is a wonderful thing, I am just very scared now at the prospect. I also don’t earn a huge salary although we should manage fine financially. Is it normal to feel this way when finding out a first time baby is on the way? What advice can you give?

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Our expert says:
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First of all, remembering your earlier message, congratulations --- I'm sure you're going to be a great mom !
Sounds like a choice of fears, in a way, doesn't it ? First there was fear that you would NOT fall pregnant, and now you feel scared because you ae ? Again, counselling, as I recommended before, is called for. And maybe your husband needs some, too, to help him handle the experience of becoming a dad --- maybe marriage counselling for the pair of you would be ideal. It's all a lot to think about at one time, but I'm sure you will actually cope much better than you think.
Excellent responses from Liza, Lucia, Lorraine, etc ( whatta lotta L's !) ; and from dad-to-be ( terrific message, Michael !).

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Our users say:
Posted by: Best Dad 2 Be ?!? | 2004/11/12

Hi Julie

From a male perspective:

I'm a dad-to-be as you've probably gathered !?!

whatever you do, don't dissregard the emotions us men go through !!! biggest mistake you could ever make !!!

More than half the time, we feel neglected, envious and in general just alien !!!

Some of us are so exited we can burst, though we won't show it !!!

The moment Annette told me (out of wedlock), I almost rolled the car. I never wanted kids, untill that moment !!! I was so happy, I could'nt drive further (next to CSIR on highway). In the end I did drive further, shakily.

Many things have gone wrong since, but that is why I'm responding.

I have many issues of my own, from before this pregnancy, which I don't know how to deal with etc.

I was jealous, envious, plain sorry for myself!!!

I'm not particularly emotional, but the first time Annette let me feel our unborn child kick, I tried without success to hide my crying !!! " It must be something in my eyes, maybe dust".

Please don't exclude your husband. It's so easy!

Your mother, sisters or friends (female) will take over the show !!! Don't let them, please !

If you're nauseous, let him know, tell him its normal and why. If you're moody, explain that its not him, and why ! If you eat little or a lot, tell him its normal, and why!

Us men know nothing about it, and need affirmation!

Every mood that you have, fight it if you can, explain it. We're not stupid, the nearest we can compare it to is over-eating, that goes away!!!

We worry, we don't want to show it!!!

If you have to, phone him during the day, tell him how you feel, without bitching. He's useless anyway, wondering, wishing he was with you, to share it with you!!! Don't exclude him.

Your family, especially females, will try to exclude him, don't allow them. If you love him.

At times you won't know if you really love him, trust me, you're not rational, you do. He's not SATAN !!! Might seem like it, but he isn't!!! You won't trust him, but he's the same person you loved before, now he's just un-sure.

Share, share, share!!! Anything, everything !!! Ask help, without bitching, he'll love you more for it, trust me !!! I would have loved Annette more for it !!!

Any skwirm from your side, he feels double, cause he has no refferance, unless you tell him, gently at first.

Its beautiful, don't be selfish. We are insecure at best, don't agravate it !!! Share, maybe more, maybe less. Work it out for yourself!!!

Congrats. Love it, there is only one first, this is mine too !!!


Reply to Best Dad 2 Be ?!?
Posted by: Lorraine | 2004/11/12

Hi Julie

u know what, i fell pregnant outside of wedlock. My boy is now 3 and a half years old. I picked up 5kg during my pregnancy and I was excited about my new baby right from the start. Nothing can describe or take the place of the first moment you and your baby will share. I wish I could go through that again and again! and also, 9 months is EXACTLY the right time to be pregnant. In the beginning you are scared, after a while you start getting excited, and when u get to 8 and a half months you are so tired of waiting, that you are not even scared anymore - completely used to the idea of giving birth, and VERY anxious to c your little one! Good luck - i wish i had the opportunity to plan my first baby with a man that i love!

Reply to Lorraine
Posted by: Lucia | 2004/11/12

Hi Julie

First of all congratulations from all of us on the great news !!!

Yeah scary thought aint it. Pregnancy, birth, teething stages, toddler tantrums, teenagers from hell. RELAX GIRL !!! Have you ever heard of the proverbial saying: "don't jump the gun" ? Your reaction is perfectly normal and I have yet to meet the couple who wasn't scared sh!tless the first time they found out they were going to have a baby. Those that say they weren't scared are lying - believe me.

Crappy things in life happens to many people, but you know what, most people survive and carry on with life. Just because a friends husband deserted her does not mean your husband will desert you.

Becoming a parent tends to make the majority of people take life itself a lot more seriously than before, but do not become so serious that you forsee problems which may never happen and do not stop living your life the way you have before (you obviously know the rules about looking after your health and no alcohol, etc during pregnancy) I am talking about your relationship with your husband. Yes, there will be trying times, but remember, first and foremost you are partners in this relationship and each one needs to contribute their fair share to make it work. I am talking about physical and emotional support for each other. One night you get up for baby and the next night he gets up for baby (and don't fall for the "she is breastfeeding, I can't feed baby" line - you can express milk and daddy can feed).

As far as emotional support is concerned - don't loose yourself in the baby, so many relationships land up on the rocks after a baby's birth because the new mother forgets that she was ever married and the new father feels as though he was left alone at the bus stop and nobody invited him to the party. Make hubby part of everything - right from the start - also do it tactful, if he's not up to watching a video on the birth process, don't force him - they are really big ninnies - What I am trying to get at is - always remember, he's also pregnant and he has the same fears and worries as you.

As far as the birth is concerned - tell me - do you think there would be an "over population" problem in a place such as India if it was sooooo terrible ? Nah, I don't think so. It's no fun day in the park either, but with today's modern medical technology - it becomes something close to a very exiting outing - and also, don't take to heart every horrible story you hear from the friends, friend and the grandmothers niece, etc. Women tend to remember the crappy bits of the birth and not the wonderful event itself - just human nature - concentrate on your first meeting with your little one and always remember daddy is in the room too.

Good luck to both of you

Reply to Lucia
Posted by: Liza | 2004/11/12

Chill. What you're feeling is perfectly normal - its those pregnancy hormones making themselves heard. You and your husband really want this child - this wasn't a decision you just made by yourself! The divorce statistics are terrible anyway - whether there are children involved or not! This phase should soon pass - and then you'll go into that absolutely glowing phase where you look great, feel great and have all that fun buying baby stuff. After that comes the ooh-this-is-getting-a-little-uncomfortable stage where you'll learn the value of sleeping with lots of pillows - or twined around hubby like a pretzel. Then there is the I-can't-even-see-my-feet stage. This is usually the stage where you start worrying about giving birth - epidural,cesaerian,natural,waterbirth etc. All I can say is that after 1 natural and 1 epidural - always remember that epidural is a great option. Don't care what kind of critics shoot me down for saying this.

All I'm saying for now is - enjoy being able to sleep on your tummy. Zippo - sealing the lips now.

Ps. Just one last thing - I love my children to bits, would love to have more but absolutely HATE being pregnant. (Picture - beachball under a sweater, and being asked at 6 months whether I'm not scared to do stuff cause the birth might be imminent)

Okay, truly sealing the lips now - sure you won't have my issues with size anyway ;)


Reply to Liza

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