Posted by: Peter | 2004/10/28

Just find out wife does prostitution for a living. So depressed!

Hi aLL

New on the site.I m so depressed right now after finding out my wife does prostitution for a living. We ve been together for 10yrs and she is been having this job for 8yrs. I never suspected a thing all these yrs.

The thing is I love her to bits, and cant live with this trauma she has put me through.I took her for the HIV test, and both of us are negetive. I DONT wanna divorce her as I cant live without her.

She is the breadwinner, as I m unemployed at the moment and she told me that the salary helps us to have a decent lifestyle. She told me she also do "stripping" at a club in Midrand. We have 3 wonderful sons, and all of them are ours (we did pertenity test).

She brings about +/-30 000 a month. I am 30 she is 28.

Please South Africa, help me please!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Peter, I don't know what I can usefully say here, assuming that your message is genuine. The situation you describe sounds a little improbable, if you are unmarried and she has managed to earn 30,000 per month, and to be out by day and late into the night ( as a stripping career presumably would require ) without you noticing anything, or wondering how she manages to earn so excellently though she has no qualifications ? I'm inclined to larn towards slr's interpretation, here.
Presumably you would benefit from counselling to sort out your conflicting emotional responses to this, and to weigh up your options. It seems amazing that she could have been so active in prostitution for 8 years, and remain HIV negative. And that negative status could change at any time.
Presumably you guys don't spend anything near 30,000 a month, so there should be considerable savings, to help you and her to look for an alternative job, and to consider the business option.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: toto | 2004/10/29

Peter, do not worry about lulu's postings , he/she must be mad.

Reply to toto
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/10/28

You just proved my point - probably out of ignorance.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: lulu | 2004/10/28

Thanks Kernel for that. I'll make a note of the fact that you are now the resident Personality Analyser and you have the authority to spot chips on shoulders.

Shall I post a list of all the things I do like, just for safety's sake in future? That way I can never "attack" anyone on here.

If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Reply to lulu
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/10/28

Don't bother about Lulu's postings - she has a chip on the shoulder and likes to attack people if she does not like what is said in the posting.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: Lulu2 | 2004/10/28

Why don't you become her that way both of you would be employed and bringing in an income.

Damn...i just feel sorry for the kids!!!

Reply to Lulu2
Posted by: Markus | 2004/10/28

So were is she lets go say hello is she at Little Holland or Teazers or that cheap nokshop just behind Teazers?

Reply to Markus
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/10/28

Hi Peter,

I'm not here to judge, but I would like to mention that each person here makes very valid comments & suggestions. Take what YOU want from them & work on that. Try & keep the idea in mind that your current position in this situation is to not look for reasons why, or provide excuses, the time has come for you to either find or provide solutions.

This posting & answering the questions may have been quite difficult for you, & I take my hat off to you for being open about it & I hope you find your answers that you need.

Good luck Peter, know that you are never alone. Only you can decide what your ultimate decision maybe, & remember, whatever you decide, just be determined to stick by it coz it'lll be your decision.

Take care,

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: lulu | 2004/10/28

I try, Hokay, I try... (o;

If you don't like my advice, Thoko, don't ask for it.

Reply to lulu
Posted by: Suzee | 2004/10/28

For goodness sake Peter, She has slept with an average of 12000 men, since ur marriage!!!! Have u checked how her "Koekie" looks like. I m sure its rotten and shapeless by now.

Make sure u switch off the light if u have sex with her, Otherwise u ll faint when u see her "koekie"

Reply to Suzee
Posted by: Thoko | 2004/10/28

Lulu, get a life. U really dont know this guy that much to know how he feels. If u dont have advice , please keep quiete.

If u want easy money as a prostitute, gud luck!

Reply to Thoko
Posted by: TW | 2004/10/28

U based in PE? ME too...Try go to Harvest in Walmer - Awesome church and people there!!!!!!!

Dont make any rushed decisions yet...need to time to heal and think :)

God bless

Reply to TW
Posted by: Hokay | 2004/10/28

my my Lulu, aren't we a little judgemental ray of sunshine today?!

Reply to Hokay
Posted by: lulu | 2004/10/28

Profitable partnerships too! You didn't want to "dig in" because you trusted her? Uumm... Sound more like you didn't care enough to me.

If you could get along without your family for 9 years, you should have no problem now. 'Cept now you don't have an income. What's really keeping you there? The love or the money?

Reply to lulu
Posted by: Peter | 2004/10/28

To answer people who asked howcome i did not know. I have been working in a company in PE for 9yrs and my wife in JHB. I use to come once in a while at home coz of the demands at my workplace. I hardly spent time with my family.
All I knew was that she was in a patnership business, and never tried to dig in more information as I trusted her. I also once passed by their agency, which looks like a decent place. I never really digged in , up until I was retrenched and stayed at home. That is wher I saw a lot of strange things ie coming home late (overtime), low sex drive etc. I made my research , till I got the truth.

I will consider divorce as an option, though its going to be hard.

Reply to Peter
Posted by: lulu | 2004/10/28

Well, I'm not really clued up on prostitution rates and all, but I reckon to earn R30 000 a month, she has to work her...uhm...well...butt off. Makes for the ideal wife, don't you think? Never home and when she does come home, she brings lots of money and never expects sex from you. LMAO I would also wait 8 years before I kill the goose that lays the golden eggs.

Reply to lulu
Posted by: blackbird | 2004/10/28

r30 000 a month free ...where do i apply ...

Reply to blackbird
Posted by: Straycat | 2004/10/28

This is horrible ... Be strong man ! .. Its best you start a plan of action for yourself.. personally I fell this situation is not a good one for you and your sons...who I am sure you love dearly.......

Most of your local Churches (in your area) will offer conselling... if that is the way you would like to go..

God Bless

Reply to Straycat
Posted by: TW | 2004/10/28

You may be weak over this time but you havent failed...
We all go through tough times in our life its normal.

By gettin some help-counselling- you can start feeling more positive about yourself and fill your role as the head of the family and start making desicions that a husband makes.

I dont know where you live to reccomend a christian church ? find a church that feels like the 1st church you go to may not be for you... and once you ahve found a place you feel comfortable with - phone the recpetion :) they will help you out.
Trust me it may be overwelming at 1st but really give this a try not only for you but for your family. Now is the time to start taking the lead and restoring your family.

Also i really think you need to ask your wife if she enjoys what she does (know that sounds rude) but surely she would want to get out if there was an option? Cause the whole food, school fees thing...God can become your provider he can give you a good job, provide her with a new job (which would prob get less money) but that way the 2 of you can work together and just go on a much stricter budget for a while until things slowly become easier. Remember life will be very difficult for a time but the future will be so bright all you can do is just smile knowing that God is leading you on the right path!

Know that you can do this and still have an awesome family life... its all up to you and what your wife desides. Also remember you arent the one the drove her to this she made that decision on her own dont let her blame you and talk about fees ect there is always a way out, it will just be more difficult at first but the outcome for your children will be so much better!!!
She needs to know that!

Reply to TW
Posted by: slr | 2004/10/28

fake posting

Reply to slr
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/10/28

You should not accept her deceit and betrayal - you never had the marriage you wanted. Divorce her and start a new life with someone who does not share her body with other men - 6 men a day for 5 days a week for 50 weeks a year for 8 years comes to 12000 men! Who is prepared to accept and live with this?

Find your own job and start supporting your children on your own. You cannot build your and the children's future on money obtained from prostutution. Its harsh, but it is a fact. You don't have a future with this woman - it is your choice.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: Yob | 2004/10/28

How is it possible that she can be persuing this job for 10 years without you knowing about it? What does she tell you when she is out all night? Do you never have to call her at work? Have you never been interested in meeting her "colleagues", seeing the place where she works? What do the children tell their friends? Where does there mom work?


Reply to Yob
Posted by: Peter | 2004/10/28

Thanx everyone for ur responses. I will try christian counselling. Where do u find such counselling? Can u recommend a church I ll go to.?

I m soweak right now, to even recognise I m the Head as I m unemployed. I asked her to stop, and She said to me What are we gona eat, shelter,shool fees for our kids etc as I m not working. Its probably true coz I dont bring anything in right now. I actually feel like I have failed them

Reply to Peter
Posted by: lulu | 2004/10/28

Going to be harsh again, but I can't help it, sorry...

She's been doing this for 8 years without you suspecting anything? How?? You're unemployed and she brings in R30 000 a month. Do you really expect people to believe that you had NO IDEA what your wife did to bring in R30 000 a month?? That kind of salary would have been middle or top management in a successful company. Is this what you told others your wife did for a living?

My opinion: You have known or at least suspected this all along, but enjoyed spending the money. Now that you are unemployed and it's harder to act like you didn't know all along, you have to act all shocked.

Reply to lulu
Posted by: bubbles | 2004/10/28

I agree with TW...

Your wife needs to stop this! It isnt an option...
Doenst she know how much this hurts you and that she can gets AIDS from this!!!

You are the head of the family and you need to make some desicions here...I know that normal counsling is frustrating but do give christian counsiling a try ,they help SOOOO MUCH. What have you to loose to give GOD a try as you are at such a desperate stage in your life. YOu can experice freedom in this and your wife as well!

You need to sit your wife down and have a serious talk to her, i know she is providing the money but thats not right.It doesnt make her the head of the fam because she is bringing the money home... Here comes the tough part She is commiting adultey and this is really wrong - if she doesnt want to change at all and wants to continue you need to think about divorcing her. Think about how this will affect your children in time to come the shame they will have...Let you wife know these feelings and to wake her up as im sure she doesnt want to loose you and her children bec of this!

Sometimes we need to be tough to our loved ones to make them realsie what they are doing! You also need to try find a job (anything really) at this stage to prove to her that she doesnt have to do that to support her famliy.

Reply to bubbles
Posted by: BEE | 2004/10/28

I'm curious. What did you think she did?

Reply to BEE
Posted by: TW | 2004/10/28


I feel for you and your wife 1st reaction would be to divorce her for what she did to you but she prop feel that she needs to get money in and that this was an easy way...unfortunalty isnt not an excuse as to what she did, its very very wrong and she needs to quite it before shes gets HIV and you too!!!

I really suggest that you both go to a christain counsilour as this is your only help to this stage to save your marriage and her life of shame. I can tell you that God can take the ugliest situation and turn it to something beautiful and amazing. Give him a try and go to church - recieve his refreshing and guidence in this situation and you will feel so much better.

Your wife HAS to promise and stop what she is doing as this is not only bad for your family but for herself to be used and treated like dirt. Our bodies are precious and shouldnt be used in a perverted way. I really pray that you both seek help in this and that you can find a job to support your family even if its something that you are way overqualified at least there is money coming in and your wife can take a back seat and start to let God heal her in her sinful ways. It is going to be very tough but really trust God in this time as he will carry your family and bring a new hope to it! Be patient and love your wife even though she has treated you very badly - she is the one who is needing the help right now and once she has stopped and then you can focus on family help and your feelings too.

God bless you through this time and really ask God to be your strength otherwise you will be easliy swayed to other opnions which may not be the right thing for you and your family!

Reply to TW
Posted by: Peter | 2004/10/28

I was also working for the past 9 years and lost my job through retrenchment. My income use to be +/-10 000 pm and our lifestlye was good coz of her income.

I have tried talking to her and said she cant get a decent job as she has no qualifications. She said she is used to this job and she only take it as an ordinary job. She said her clients are "professional" males and is working for some agency that protects them.

She said she ll try persue her studies, but meanwhile will continue her job to finance herself. I m crying right now, as I m writing this and I m taking medication for depression.

My sons dont know what their mom does, and I dont know what to tell them. The oldest son is 8yrs. This thing eats me everyday and I m losing weight. Tried to go for counselling but its driving me insane.

I m presently applying for a job, but its not easy. The idea of a business is good, BUT how do I persevere for the next years knowing she leaves in the morning to be shagged by +/-6men a day and comes back to a warm home.

Reply to Peter
Posted by: Josh | 2004/10/28

This is bad! R30 000 a month is a lot of money. She must be a good wife because she supports you and the children. It is not the best job but if she enjoys the stripping, let her go on. What will happen if you do get a job? Will she still have to go on with the prostitution thing?

Reply to Josh
Posted by: marconi_love | 2004/10/28

I feel sorry for you. I do not have an answer. All I can say is, sometimes a person feels that your problem is the worst of alls. But when I listhen and read others I am happy with my life. I feel soryy for you and realize it is hard what you going through. You both need to start looking around for a decent job with a constant income. If she brings in sooooo much cash. Start save that you can make a living on the intrest. Or start to save money as to buy a business that will bring you a descent income so that your wife does not have to do prostitution any more.

Or infact if she does not want to go the root of buying a busines to be able to stop one day, maybe she loves what she is doing.

Reply to marconi_love
Posted by: Werner | 2004/10/28

Peter,I really feel sorry for you and this must be heartbreaking.Sometimes love is very strange.You only see ehat you want to see,so that is why you are saying that you cannot live without her.Believe me you can.When you got married she made a promise to you to be faithfull only to you and she broke that promise.This is also a very dangerous situation because both of you are putting yourself at risk to be infected with HIV.I can just think to myself if she really loves you,because she is prepared to share her body with other people.You must ask yourself the question if you are prepared to live with this situation.If not make a change

Reply to Werner
Posted by: Liza | 2004/10/28

I'm all for legalizing prostitution is South Africa. There are so many people out there that do not have the skills or the chances for anything else. My cousin is one of those. Its sad, but true. Many just think of it as a regular job. Regular jobs also require long hours - the abuse of the body through caffeine just to cope, non ergonomically designed office space which plays havoc with your spine, aircon that is designed to cool down, but instead makes you sick. The HIV factor is definitely worse for nurses, who with one needle prick (perhaps even unnoticed) that could also change their lives. Encourage her to try to study further - in a direction in which she could legally make a decent living. I don't think there is a perfect answer to your problem. LOTS of communication is the only way to go to help you survive this.

Reply to Liza

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