Posted by: Minnie Mouse | 2007/12/03

Just don't know anymore.

I'm dealing with Bipolar and winning. Small victories are happening in my life, inside me, my mind is getting right. And I'm happy. At least, I want to be happy.

I have to admit I am somewhat naive sometimes and I do care so much that sometimes it does me the biggest injustice. I cannot NOT care. I'm just not wired that way.
I'm doing better, but my life is crashing around me.
My husband is depressed and is withdrawing more and more, spending all his free time at the pub with his best friend. And now working less and less, no interest in his son, or spending time as a family.
My mom and dad and sisters and brother are all going through some sort of trying times. I care so much for them and I think about them all the time, BUT I cannot solve their problems for them.
I think about what I would do if Iwere in the exact same situation and I can see solutions, I would get myself out of the financially skint times by working hard and consistently, I would get my matric, my driver's licence and get a job and stick it through tenaciously and MAKE a success of myself! I have done it myself so I know it can be done.

I can't do that for anyone else, they must do it themselves. I just worry so much about them. I try help financially whenever I can, but that means asking my husband's permission each time because I respect him and he needs to know where the money is going, even if it is only R 100. I am very open about money matters and hide nothing from him.

Whenever we go to my family my husband is now recently making such a scene that we have had to call the police / security company out to make him leave as he gets verbally abusive and extremely aggressive.

My personal inner life is getting sorted and yet outside things are falling apart. I deal with my issues, my own ones. I don't know how to MAKE other people deal with theirs. I have bipolar and I have bad days, but I have a forced list of things I MUST do on the bad days and it means that my bad days do not turn into even 1 bad week. I feel successful, I feel that I'm growing and I takes my meds every day no matter what, along with essential vitamins to keep myself as healthy as I can be.

I love so much, I love deeply. And when I care this much, these worries get to me and I get down because I don't understand. I have depression too, like my husband, but I have a plan of action when I get depressed and I get myself out of it. I don't understand why he's lost so much interest. I care, I want to help. How do I?
I'm sure his aggression has a lot to do with depression and it's all linked. I even told him that if I make him unhappy I will leave because I want him to be happy and I will be part of a solution. I know I can make my life happy, it's just something I KNOW inside me. He doesn't seem to want for me to leave. I'm really confused. When he feels bad, he lashes at anyone and everyone around him. He belittles me and tries so hard to break me by being exceptionally cruel, for hours on end. It's not him. He can't be positive toward me or anyone else if he can't even like himself. I try not to cry but sometimes it's so much, too much and it overwhelms me. When he sleeps then I get up and do my routines to build myself up. Meditate, affirmations, research into Bipolar and what I can do myself to help myself.

Now? How do I help him to see? It's so difficutl, my family needs me too, even if it's only loving encouragement and 'cheer leading' and positivity. He hates my family, or is it that he hates himself so much right now? I really care, I care so much that it hurts.

I want to make a positive impact. How do I help? How do I make a difference and just get all these amazing (if troubled) people in my life to see that human beings can do ANYTHING and they're so worth it to live a happy life as possible? I can, and do and don't stop even when things get rough because I can and have handled anything. We all can handle anything. Why won't they?
I love them all. I want happiness for all my loved ones. I want to see them thrive and feel how much I love each one of them.

Can't they see? Will they ever? or am I being too naive?!?!?
Help, please.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello Minnie,
Good to hear that you're heading in the right direction with your Bipolar Disorder.
It's not a question of learning not to care, but of learning how to care efficiently. I'm sorry they've had bad floods in Bangladesh, but there's really nothing at all I can do about it. And if I get too wound up in just feeling bad about those floods, I will become significantly less able to care effectively for problems closer to home, where I CAN make a useful difference.
Its sad that so many of the people you know are experiencing various kids of difficulties, but significant that you cannot directly help them. THEY need to recognize their difficulties and get the right sorts of expert help to sort them out. Your husband, for instance, needs to recognize that sitting in a pub will NEVER improve his depression or any of the things he may feel depressed about, and that he needs to see a good local shrink ( or at least a very good GP ) for proper assessment and treatment advice.
As you've discovered you can't ( and shouldn't) MAKE other people sort out their varied messes --- only they can and should do that. And as may be the problem with some in your family, the risk, even of helping out with a little cash now and then, is that they may come to rely on it, and use it as an excuse NOT to do for themselves much of what they must do.
You cant do it all. They can and must. But you need to be patient and simply encourage them to get the right expert help they need.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Virgo | 2007/12/03

Hi Minnie Mouse,

Sounds like you care and worry a lot. What you should try and do is focus on yourself, so that you can be well. You can be there for your family but you can't solve their problems. Same goes for your husband. You love him, yet he can be abusive. He needs help for himself. Encourage him to go see someone. Is he on medication/has he been. Perhaps going for couples therapy might help.

One thing you should do is distance, (detach yourself) from other peoples problems, you can't make them yours, carry the burden or it will all drag you down. Own your own problems and work through them.

Do you work at all. If you do I suggest you put some money away for yourself, without your husband's knowledge. It will be your little nest egg, should things go awry, you will have enough money to leave.

Couns like you really need some support. Contact Powa/Lifeline/Famsa.

Reply to Virgo

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