Posted by: Lee | 2005/11/24

Joyful season???

I lost my son in a motorcar accident 7 months ago. The pain was very intense and felt as though someone had punched a hole right through my heart. I know where he is and I know I will see him again but the PAIN.
However like most loads you learn to carry them and eventually to start living again - and then comes the "season of joy".
Last weekend we had our family "thanksgiving", where we all get together to celebrate the year and decorate the Christmas tree.
This has opened the wound wide open and one wishes one could just sleep for the next month.
How do you handle this time of the year? I have a large family with lots of children and grand children. This is a wonderful time of the year for all of them. I don't want to spoil it for them but buying gifts and celebrating seems too HARD. I reason with myself but the fact remains that although I want to do the Christmas thing for the family, inside I am drowning in tears. My other children miss their brother but they have lives and children and although they respect my heartache, they are getting on with life.
How do you handle this time of the year????

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Our expert says:
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HEllo Lee, I am so sorry to hear about your grief. Anniversaries and holidays are always a difficult time. Don't feel you HAVE to pretend to be jolly or get into the gifting frenzy, just for the sake of others. Take time for yourself and your thoughts, and maybe consider seeing a counsellor for a few sessions. Also, consider contacting, if as I hope they have a branch within reach of you, the organization the Compassionate Friends, which consists of people who have lost a child, of whatever age, you gather to help each other. The pain will, unbelievably, get better, and it will become easier to remember him with joy for all the good aspects of his life, and not merely with sorrow.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lee | 2005/11/24

Thanks for all the thoughts. I will hold them close during the coming weeks.

Reply to Lee
Posted by: Wendyy | 2005/11/24

sorry to hear of ur loss. hope this will make you feel better

~~Every morning St. Peter takes boys and girls out for a walk in Heaven, they have to light their candles and and walk with them lit. One special boy whenever they go out for a walk he candle blows out so he can't go for a walk with other boys and girls. He just sits at the gate and watch them go and sits there until they come back. Then one day one of the boys when they were about to leave for a walk goes to this special boy and asks him "why don't you ever join us for a walk, you always sit here until we come back, you don't like taking walks with us?" then the boy said: i really you like to take a walk with everyone but whenever i light my candle, my mom's tears blows it out and now i can't take a walk. she is very sad and i can't go have fun knowing my mother is not happy.

Wipe off ur tears and celebrate ur son's life and let him have fun in heaven with others while you also have fun here on earth with him in your heart.

Reply to Wendyy
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/11/24

Lee, I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your son, and all the pain you're feeling. My biggest fear is losing a child, I can't say I understand, but just thinking about it, is enough to make me want to cry.

I can't give you any advice, I don't know how to. Remember where your strength comes from, hold on to that!!! I will say a special prayer for you, and will think of you during the Christmas period. All the very best, God bless.

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Lee (the other one) | 2005/11/24

That is so terribly sad. My heart goes out to you. I think "..."suggestion is stunning and a good way to remember all the good times you shared.

I think what makes it particularly difficult is that it wasn't that long ago and is the first christmas without him. I'm sure we have all lost someone near and dear to us (and i've also heard losing a child is the most difficult of them) I will definately be thinking of my friends who have passed on. I think it is difficult not to. My thoughts and sympathies are with you and your family during what i'm sure is a difficult time.

Reply to Lee (the other one)
Posted by: Jules | 2005/11/24


I have lost my husband....but I can't even imagine how it must be to lost your'e child. Time will heal all wounds and then you learn how to live with it. Whenewer I felt there was now way out and I was sinking into this big black hole I just fell on my knies and pray that helped for me.

Reply to Jules
Posted by: Anon | 2005/11/24

I am in tears....I feel for you.....

Reply to Anon
Posted by: ... | 2005/11/24

I'm sorry you lost a son...... i believe it has to be one of the worst things that can happen to any parent ever!!.... At this time of year, there are many people who mourn loved ones, and somehow the season of joy just turns into a season of pain and mourning for them......... i have never lost a child and so, I can't really understand the pain you're going through, but I'd like you to think about what your son would have wanted for you this christmas............. surely he would wish you a joyous season.... don't feel like you're betraying your son if you allow yourself to feel joyous........
i think you should light a candle for your son each christmas, and pay a tribute to his life and the time you shared.... tell him the things you would like him to hear.... it might help you feel closer to him........ and then know in your heart that he is wishing you happiness and joy in return......... and try and give him what he wants for you!!
Sending you lots of light..........

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