Posted by: DR | 2003/12/18

Jealousy. What's the normal limit?

Hi there, I am really perplexed by jealousy. What is normal? What is irrational? The reason being, my girlfriend of 23 has a very close guy friend of 35. Now as far as I am concerned this is weird to start off with. What the hell does a 35 year old guy want to be friends with a 23 yo for? Obvious reasons right?Anyway, do you let them go out partying all night together? Do you let her sleep over at his house (supposedly in the spare room). I am accused of being jealous all the time and asking that her relationship with him not be so intimate. He gives her foot massages the whole time. She promises that there is nothing between them. She says she loves him as a friend, almost older brother, and that she is definitely not sexually attracted to him. ALthough I am sure it is not true for him. How do I deal with this situation. I am not an ogre who will tell her to choose between me or her friend. But, she doesn't make any effort to make me more comfortable with the situation. Sometimes she manages to convice me that I have a jealousy problem, but when I ask everyone one else, they say I am actually being too lenient on her. So does everyone have different levels of jealousy? Which is okay and which is wrong? Very confused

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Our expert says:
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DR, we'll surely soon hear from our other readers on this one. Too much jealousy ( Pathological Jealousy we call it in the trade ) is the guy who wants DNA tests on the bedsheets every time he arrives home --- jealosy with no partocular reason, out of all proportion to any provication of it, unreasonable and over the top.
Now, it's actually understandable for a 35 to have a 23 as a pal --- if they share an interest in stamp-collecting, or work together for a charity, and so on. But where the 23-year-old has a boyfriend, it is NOT reasonable for her to go all night partying with Mr 35, or to sleep over at his place, even if she shares the cat-box. She's talking nonsense when she says there's nothing going on between them and he's like an older brother --- she would hardly go ought partyinh all night with an older brother. And, as you point out, even if she's accurate in saing that she feels no sexual attraction for him ( and we only have her word for that ) we don't know what his feelings are for her. Mr 35, from your descripttion, is not having a 35-year-old relationship with her, but sounds like he's pretending to be the youngster he no longer is in fact.
You do not have a jealousy problem --- you have a problem girlfriend behaving in a way that any man would feel jealous about. The situation isn 't really confusing --- it's she who is trying to confuse you, and there's only one obvious reason why she might want to do that.

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Our users say:
Posted by: mo | 2003/12/19

She is taking you for a ride and sins you are a softy believe me there is some thing going on I was in similar situation. Right now yes there mite be nothing going on but in the future it will it is just a mater of time and opportunity if they go out party together then one day it will happen. No mater what any one says but when people of opposite sex are friend on the level that you described inside they do fill attracted to each other otherwise they would not be such friends.
You are wrong to think that 35 year old has nothing incomen with 23 year old but that is the age when woman searches the father figure in her life I now a number of relation ships that have lasted 30 40 years and age deferens the one you described.
On another hand you talk to her friend and tell him that when he touches you girlfriend the foot massage and thing it makes uncomfortable and he must stop it. IF he does not respect you he will not obey but if he really is a friend of your girl he will obey that should give you an idea if he wont her for him self.
It is in our nature to be jealous specially when you fill that your relation ship is invaded you are right to be jealous.

Reply to mo
Posted by: Hey man | 2003/12/19

Your gal is screwing you around.

Reply to Hey man
Posted by: Andrew | 2003/12/18

DR, your g/f is messing you around, trying to make you think that you are insecure and make it seem like you have a problem. I'm sure if the tables were turned, she wouldn't allow it. Partying all night, sleep-overs, foot massages..... they're a bit too close for 'friends'. She's lying to you. You deserve better..... tell her to move in with her 'friend' and you move on with your life. Dont allow her to use you...... Good Luck.

Reply to Andrew
Posted by: Mona | 2003/12/18

The doc is soooo right, you dont have a jealousy problem, you have a girlfriend problem!! No ways is it right for her to go sleep over at his house! About a week ago we had a similar case where the girl actually went on holiday with another "friend" Go search the archives as there was lots of replies to that post. I think it was "When am i allowed to be jealous" Something like that.... Dont stand for it, she is fooling you!

Reply to Mona
Posted by: Lulu | 2003/12/18

Sounds fishy to me!!! (And I am a woman).
Don't you just hate it when someone tries (and succeeds) to convince you that you are the one who is pathetically, jealous and has the major problem!! Meanwhile you have every right to be suspicious!!

Good luck

Reply to Lulu
Posted by: DR | 2003/12/18

We have been living together for over two years and she has been friends with him for 3.

Reply to DR
Posted by: Robert | 2003/12/18

Hi DR,

Well if it was me I would also be very uncomfortable with the situation. Especially that she does not consider your feelings about the matter. However it also depends on how long you have been going out and how serious your relationship is. Also how long has she been friends with this guy. If your relationship is serious, or if you want it to be, then you are going to have to confront her and sort this issue out.

If you cannot resolve it, then I would suggest that you leave her and move on. You do not need or want this type of problem in your life.

Hope it all works out for the better, whichever decision you choose to make.

Reply to Robert

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