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Question
Posted by: susy | 2004/10/26

jealousy

Hi doc: My husband has had a child before we got married. He has no contact with them except financially. I love him dearly however I cannot accept this child as a part of our lives as I feel it is a constant reminder of his sexual relationship with this other woman. Is is natural for me to be jealous and behave this way. It just hurts me alot and I am afraid that this woman may use this child to come between us now when we want our own children. My husband has not had physical contact because he knows how this hurts me. I know how i feel is wrong but i can't help it. I can't share him. what do I do? I have come to a stage where I hate this woman and her child and this bothers me because Im a good person. please help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

susy,
it is fair to expect fidelity DURING a marriage, but grossly unfair to expect fidelity before you even met the guy. It is natural to some extent, but not fair to expect him to have not had a relationship with someone else before he married you. There is no good reason to hate this women or this child --- neither of them did anything to hurt or harm you --- you're letting yourself feel hirt, long after the event. See a counsellor and work on this and on your feelings of insecurity.

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Our users say:
Posted by: NOMY | 2004/10/26

Put yourself in your husband's shoes what if is you in a relationship where your own child is not accepted how you were going to feel.This child will be part and parcel of his life forever nothing will change that.May you please try slowly to accomodate the child you will see your husband will appreciate that I believe his with you because he want you.

Reply to NOMY
Posted by: Jenna | 2004/10/26

Susy,

Yes, the jealousy is normal. But, you have to get over it, you cannot keep telling yourself that your hate them and that they will come in between you and your husband, you must WANT to help yourself here. TW is right in saying that insecurity is a VERY unattractive quality in a person. I think that you should turn the tables around....support your husband in bonding with his child, and you yourself should allow this child into your heart. Keep an amicable relatioship with the child's mom, in this way you will not feel the hatred and you will be able to go on with your life. If you don't make a conscious decision to change your attitude NOW, then you might find your husband choosing to be with his child rather than you. Good luck

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: TW | 2004/10/26

Hey, Dont stress so much...

Its normal to feel that why but at the end of the day he chose you and hold on to that. There is nothing more unattractive to a man, than a wife who is always insecure about things. Trust your husband and give him a little room too.

The fact is he DOES haave a child and even the child needs to know who his/her father is, thats only fair! DOnt be selfish about this rather support him and you will see that with you being supportive to him will strength your relationship with him as he will feel your support rather then have a nagging iwfe who doesnt trust he husband.

Think things over and keep the communication going that way you both can discuss your feelings and come to a happy medium.

Dont hate them they are apart of his past, you chose him through thick and thin and thats apart of him so learn to love all of him and to leave the past in the past.

Reply to TW
Posted by: Kay | 2004/10/26

You're so insecure that you would hate a child? Grow up sweetie. Im sure that your husband wasnt your first....does your husband irrationally hate everybody you've ever kissed or slept with? So what? your husband had sex before he met you - big revelation. That child will be there forever - and at some stage either your husband or the child will want contact - and have every right to it. You need to get over yourself.

Reply to Kay

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