Posted by: VS | 2004/09/21

Jealous or not

Hey I don't know whether I am jealous of my friend or not. We used to do everything together go out clubbing look at guys for me cause I'm single. I'm 23 and she's 25. A couple of months ago I suspected that she was pregnant but left it as maybe she's just picking up weight. Later she told me she was pregnant. I cried how bad a friend does that not make me. The father of the child lies and cheats on her yet she stays by him she supports both of them and yes he has his own money and a job. We now don't spend any time together or phone each other cause I said he is a usless man that should move out and that I can help better with the baby than him and so on and so on. I mean this man is so horrible he forgot her birthday and when she told him he said oh he still hasn't made up for it. Why would I been forgotten when this man has done nothing good for her or to her and now that I put my foot down I'm given the cold Shoulder.
I hate the fact that she became pregnant I lost a good friend we usually stay angry with eachother for a week but it's been a month and a half.
What is wrong with me and why can't I get over it.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sorry, VS, I don't understand --- how is it YOUR fault if your friend got pregnant ? And you're right that the father of this child sounds like a useless and irresponsible psychopath. But isn't your task as a good friend, to be available to help her as and when she wants to be helped, rather than feeling dreadful on her behalf ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/09/21

Come back here & submit a fresh post. I am very eager to hear how things turned out.
Have your hopes up there, but don't have any expectations ok. Expectations set us up for disappointment.
I am glad you are looking forward to seeing your friend again. Lets hope that it all turns out well.

Best of luck VS, remember, just be a very good friend...

Till later,

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: VS | 2004/09/21

Hey Tate thanks for the advice the poem is excellent.

Shaun, how will I let you know whats for what. Where do I get hold of ya.

Oh PS I'm going to surprise her tonight after work she used to love it when I did that. Only thing now I can't bring the wine I'll have to do the flowers.

Reply to VS
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/09/21

With my harshness, you do sound like you care a lot for your friend.
I would still say go aplogise. The boyfriend part you can work on later. Remember, one thing at a time.
Try tolerate him more though. In other words, respect her feelings for him. You don't have to like him, just respect the fact that she does.
You may find that once the tension is relieved a bit, she may also have a suggestion as to how you could work the relationship, with/without the boyfriend.
The thing is you don't trust this guy, yet at the same time you are not there for her, even if she needed to turn to you, you wouldn't be there...
Anyway, wait a while, & hear what CS has to say. He usually is much more direct & helpful.

But please let me know your progress.


Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Tate | 2004/09/21

I think it is natural for friends to be slightly jealous , envious and competive with each other. I think it becomes a problem where you let those feelings overshadow your friendship. I think while you might disagree with her choice in a man and yes while you might feel left out in her life it is her life. If you care enough about her you would want to be there for her even if you do not agree with her choices. Your altracation is obviously making you feel sad so you need to do something about it. A quote from an email I received from a real friend

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like aguest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend calls you after you had a fight.
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!

Reply to Tate
Posted by: VS | 2004/09/21

Hey Shaun.
No you aren't to harsh. Will she accept my appology though I'm scared she doesn't and what happens if it isn't her that has a problem with me it's her boyfriend I'm not making excuses I was just wondering cause we both don't like each other what do you suggest then.

Reply to VS
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/09/21

As a good friend you should be there for her in times in need. What happens now if she needs a good friend & she can't turn to you?
You should also respect her choices & her decisions, & as a friend I don't think you should be driving a wedge between the of you.
Have you thought maybe she didn't tell you because she might have expected this kind of outburst from you?
Sorry if I'm being mean or harsh on you here. But I feel strongly that as a good friend you may criticise, but you may not judge those close to you.
Maybe you're jealous, maybe not, but I feel at the moment you are being selfish.
Please don't hesitate to tell me if you feel I'm wrong.
I think you should put away your pride & go to your friend, apologise, & show her support. Show her that you only have her best interests at heart, even though you may show it in the wrong ways...

Best of luck,

Reply to Shaun

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