Our expert says:
enough, no, don't give up. Immediately, call one of the helpline numbers listed in this site, like Lifeline, and talk things over with them. And, depending on the results of such a conversation, either go to your shrink if you already have one, or to your GP, or to the Casulaty Dept of the enarest good large hospital, and arrange to see a shrink asap, to work on this crisis you are experiencing. You CAN get through this and find a better and happier way of life afte this, if you will enable this to happen. It is NOT your destiny to be doomed or to give up.
The fact that some pattern of problems has recurred, doesn't mean that the situation is hopeless, but that you are in some way misunderstanding the problem situation, not managing to avoid it and get beyond it.
Sometimes we keep trying the same solution, which may be an excellent solution, but not to the particular problem it's aimed at.
You had a miserable childhood through no fault of your own. Sounds like you could be skilled at loving, but unfortunately you haven't yet found a person truly worthy of the intensity of your love or appreciative of it. Taht doesn't mean you can't find such a person.
But therapy may be needed to help you become less vulnerable, more able to use the great strengths of resilience you have built up in getting through life so far.
And you eventually said something both right and important where you need to listen again to yourself -- " i am so serious about this, but then again, a part of me dosn't want it, otherwise i wouldn't be making a nusence of myself on this forum" You're not a nuisance, and we'd like you to become a egular contributor here. But listen to that part of you that brought you here because you DON't want to die.
Nobody else needs to understand how much you loved this girl ; but if she hurt you this badly and left you this bereft, she was not worthy of the love you gave to her.
If in therapy you would work on the important task of loving yourself more (Paris makes a very important point here ) --- you would be better able to love another less desperately and frantically, and more joyfully. Learn to appreciate your strengths and qualities, and you'll become better able to interact safely with others, and with more fulfillment.
Our people have shown you that it is possible to survive and triumph over even more appalling situations in life, like Prilly and NLM and so many others here ; and to succeed and earn the happiness one wants. You can do so, too. Stay with us, keep contact over the days, and work on getting the proper therapy you deserve, and you'll soon be able to become part of the solutions in this world, rather than only someone experiencing it's problems.
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