Posted by: Apache_boy | 2008/08/04

It hurts so much

Hey guys,

Really thank you for all your help and support, i really appreciate it. I just finished to phone calls with my parents.

First was my dad, asking me when i am going to come " home"  again, i replied that i dont know and i dont know if i will go " home"  again... (the home has been put in "  because i dont consider their house home anymore)

Then my mom sends me an sms, telling me we must talk urgently, immidialy i phone cause maybe something happened to my sister or my father... no, i should have know, she doesnt think our conversation over the weekend is finished, as she didnt want to make a scene in front of my sister. Well, i consider it done and dusted, why do they want to continue talking? I must now go see some pastoral therapist or something that will cure me... i mean good lord, i dont have an illness, its not something i thought up one evening when i was bored (that was also told to me this weekend) they will even help me pay for this therapy as long as it is pastoral...

I dont need this crap in my life... it was hard telling them, and i cant force them to understand or to accept, i cant even tell them read this or this because they wont do it... i just want them to leave me alone...

It hurts so much, i have been crying off and on for the past few hours, couldnt sleep... i am not even hungry... and a big guy like me loves his food... i just want to curl up and die... then everybodys problems would be solved...



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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Apache Boy - I would avoid a pastoral counsellor at all costs and would rather offer to see a clinical psychologist.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Nikkits | 2008/08/06

A_B it is hard and it is life BUT in the end there is NOTHING that can take true love away no matter who says what.

If your parents did not love and care, they would not be hammering on your door with suggestions and ideas of sorts. Let them have their reactions and like a spunge suck it up and it go because you KNOW all about you.

Pastoral " therapy"  NO NO AND ANOTHER BIG NO!!!!! NEVER stay away from that nonsense and make sure everyone understands that point clearly. NO

I would advise you speak to a PROPER therapist who is FULLY experienced with these issues and who can assist BOTH you and your parents.

I know you dont want the ongoing hammering and pounding BUT that is your parents " therapy"  for them, their way of dealing with this issue. LET THEM be, keep on talking and never stop talking .......... the silence the non communication is what deepens the wounds what keeps them from becoming knowledgable and understanding so NEVA-EVA stop talking with them

They need to SEE and HEAR that nothing about you is any different now then it was all these years when they " did not know about this one issue" 

You stand strong and you be proud because love for yourself will give you the strength to love everyone else who BECAUSE of their love for you, react the way they do now.


Reply to Nikkits
Posted by: Jane | 2008/08/04

Look on the good side, at least your parents are still trying to talk to you, they do still love you or they wouldn' t bother.

I agree with Ferny, lie low for a while and then maybe go see a Clinical Psychologist with them. Pastoral therapy sounds horrendous - is it something like driving the demons out? I am a Christian but some of the practices are really archaic.

Stay strong.
lots of love

Reply to Jane
Posted by: Ferny | 2008/08/04

Hi A_B,

I just want to say that pastoral therapy is a waste of time for YOU. They will just try &  " change"  you! And we all know that is not going to happen.

I would just lie low for a while and let your parents think about it all &  see how they plan to deal with it long term.

I personally don' t see why you should go through therapy that is not going to help you or benefit you in any way!

Going to a Clinical Psychologist with your parents might be beneficial.

I leave for PE today for the wedding but will continue to keep you in my thoughts.

Love &  hugs - Ferny :-)

Reply to Ferny
Posted by: Gareth | 2008/08/04

Hey dear AB. Of course you are sad about this. But get this idea of " I won' t go home again"  out of your head. Already out of what you said, I saw something positive. Your folks love you and care about you, otherwise they wouldn' t have even bothered to contact you. And the fact that your dad asked when you are coming home again, shows he cares. And in a way i agree with your mom. The discussion is not finished, and to be honest, it won' t be for quite some time. You have to understand that this is hell of a difficult for them too. They do not know and understand everything like you do, so their reactions will be different than you expect too. Please call them, and tell them that you love them. Tell them that you will come home again, but that you want to give them and yourself some time to simmer on the news, and to calm down a bit. Remember that this is completely new to them, and I am sure that they have a million and one questions. And then go and see them, and sit down and have a good adult discussion about it, cry together, listen to their questions and fears, and stay calm. The therapy thing (especially pastoral) is completely normal. My parents, being avidly religious, also suggested that. And i agree with X. Go. Even if it is just to make them happy. Most probably a good pastoral psychologist will help you to help them understand that this is not a phase and it is something that you cannot change, however much they want to. There will be phases in this too, like this initial shock and denial, and then a scramble to try and correct it. Then there will be blaming and self blaming - who did what wrong when they brought you up. My mom blamed herself, and went so far as to think it was something she did while pregnant with me. Stand strong, allow them time to go through the motions. And perhaps get your hands on some reading material for them too. Be very very patient, always show them how much you love them, and try to answer as many of their questions as you can. remember, they need to get to know the real you now. In time they will start to accept and understand.
To sum up. Don' t just shunt them to one side. It really is not as simple as saying " I' m gay"  and leaving it with that. Give them some assurance that you love them and are still the same son. Give yourself and them some time to calm down, and then go and speak to them. Pour your heart out and allow them to do the same. Patience, time, love and support. You will look back at this and see that this is the best thing you have done. So go on, cry, be sad, this really is a big thing. But don' t give up hope, and don' t let this get you down. Things really can only get better from here on out.
My thoughts are with you and them

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: Deeve | 2008/08/04

Sorry A-B, need to comment on this one....

X...what Homosexual acts...? I find your posting totally offensive. Most of the Hetero porn of the nineties shows more anal sex than anything else....any comment then.

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: X | 2008/08/04

Obviously this is a shock to them and they want answers, explanations etc, so seeing that your mom thinks the conversation isn' t over, that is normal, maybe she doesn' t believe it still... It hasn' t sunk in.

Go for the pastoral therapy, you have nothing to loose. It will make them happy. You never know, maybe you will find the root of " this" . I don' t agree with homosexual acts and never will, but with you as a person, I have nothing against and can' t judge you.

Reply to X

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