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Posted by: Agpleasedaddy | 2004/10/09

is this what life should be like?

been married for 34 years and still don't understand my husband.
He was jealous shortly after we got married,even if his own young brother came and sat on the only available chair which was on the same couch as me,while we viseted hubby's parent's,that was the first time it happened.Through the years there were quite a few times he accused me of affairs,even when I was doing a pottery course at a college,I had to stop that because Hubby did not like me calling the tutor by first name,but when I told him that the tutor had introduced himself by that name
and asked all students to call him by that name,hubby said that it did not sound normal to him and he fighted about this all the time,eventually I dropped the course I was taking.
When our first son was about 8 months old we lived in a appartment on the 2nd floor everytime I went to town or clinic with baby,I had to climb about 40 steps up and down,A lady and her two sons were living next door to us and she usually saw me leaving and if her sons were home she would send one of them to help me down the steps. One day as I came back up
the lady and her one son got me halfway up the stairs and they helped me to the appartment,on getting there I offered them tee,which they accepted,I took my little bot out the pram and put him on the floor to crawl around, I had to close the door as he would go out the flat,there was no security door. While I was making tee in the kitchen the lady put her head round the corner and said,I'll be back now my phone is ringing,and she left,leaving her son in the lounge,while I was still busy,hubby came home for lunch , opened the door and when he saw the lady's son,just gave one look and said to me I see you are busy I wont bother you,then he slammed the door and left,the lady came back and asked me where my husband was because she saw him walk past her flat,I answered..I really don't know.
that night after work he was very angry and said I am having an affair with this man,I told him as I did at lunchtime,they helped me and I offered tee.After that day I tried to slip out and in the apartment trying to avoid the people.A few time after that they did offer to help but I never invited them for tee again,not even
the lady came into the flat, one day she asked me over for tee
so I had to tell her they must rather stop helping me as my husband does not like it. All was quite after that and there was no arguments again though hubby did have a temper I kept quite
no matter what he say's to me or how quickly he got cross with me over anything.during this time I fell pregnant with OUR second child. The neighbours had moved to the 3rd floor into a bigger appartment and I hardly ever saw them . Then later we moved to a house. My sister in law stayed right next door and they had 2 boys a little older than our kids,.shortly before we moved here our daughter was born. Then the jealousy started again,if hubby saw me talking to my brother in law whilst outside in the garden he would be cross. we stayed here for 2 years then moved to a plot. He still had a quick temper and the kids and I watched our step as hubby got cross easily over nonsens. Later we moved to our own home and made friends with a couple our age and the kids played together. I always tried not to speak to my friends husband in fear of my hubby starting again,even when we visited them together I did not talk much.It worked,hubby was not
jealous. I decided that this is how I will be from then on. Hubby always does what he want's and never asks my opinion,I just have to tag along. I had to see that heis coffe was ready when he got from work,because if he has to wait,he is moody.later when kids were almost grown we bought a farm because hubby wanted one. so I tried to make the best of it,during the day he goes to work and I stay home on the farm and see to all there
it was 40 kilometers out town. hubby is a very hard worker
and a reliable person, there we started going to church.After a while hubby started moaning about everything,he was very critcal,in the old end we had to leave the church as hubby had an argument with the minister.I gave sunday school classes and really loved it,so he said I should stay on,I did,MISTAKE, for 3 months he was fighting with me for going to church. so I left.
Then he wanted to go to another church, I kept quite and went with,again he was not happy and full of critic's. Then we moved
to another province. He wanted to go there,so I packed and we all moved here , by this time our second daughter was married.
we had the yuongest daughter at school then. She was born on the farm. and by this time she was 15. Our oldest son was then 24. and the middle daughter 21. Whilst living here we went to Church , where hubby was on the board and was a valuble membber in church and he helped a lot,I loved every minute there
I started mixing with people more comfortably and the jealousy never popped up again. But hubby never let me be myself completely,
the more I got involved at church the more he moaned. he got cros if I take to long helping clean up after tee, but you see,I was in charge of the kitchen,and I liked doing it. eventually I had to stop this. Then later on hubby started his critic's about everything possible, it ended in a row with someone there.so,we left again.
we are now at no church as hubby says he is very happy without it because there is always trouble at church!
Hubby still shouts at me sometimes when I have a opinion and he
he does this in front of people,he would say something like-you keep quite! he does this in front of the kids. and he even does this
to people he has known a whil,he does not do this to people he does not know long, only if it's someone he knows longer.we have no friends, although his line of work makes that he sees a lot of people,he visits with his customers and they all adore him .
he is somewhat of a perfectionist with certain things. Even if the keys in the house gets lost and I definitly did not have them he will
shouth at me,he does not listen at other people putting their side of a story,He say's he is always right. After a day working
he was telling me of something he came across while working
the day and when I said ' oh goodness '' as a comment to the conversation we were having, he said ...You can't talk, you had an affair with the young man in the apartment we stayed and all these years it,s been bothering me,and I don't think our middle daughter is mine ! just got out of bed,this was at 1 in the morning!
and went and sat on the kitchen floor as the alarm system was on, I just sat and cried there, Later he told me to come to bed,I then told him he must take our daughter and go for a paternity test,because I am tired of this story.He said no,it will only cause trouble. There is hardly no member of his family he has not yet argued with. I am telling you all this so you could have some background on the subject. I am not a very pretty woman and grew up in difficult circumstances in a home with a alcoholic mother, and witnessed endless fights and was fighted with a
lot. right through my life this is all I knew growing up. I have endless problems with my legs as I had polio as child.when growng up from about age ten my mom used to say I am a bitch,
sorry for the language but I have to tell you. I was 18 when I met my hubby and got married after 4 months as my mom made life difficult for us, Hubby is 10 years older than me. we do not fight all the time , but it is getting to me now [ I feel hurt and tramped upon and thrown to the pigs. ] I feel as if I am worthless .and it is difficult for me to know that for 32 years hubby is thinking that I am a bad woman. I had alot of issues in my young life I had to deal with,but somehow this is very difficult for me to handle,I feel I deserve respect and trust from hubby as I really never did
have affairs and I have struggled at his side and lived under difficult circumstances at times,and alway been there for him.
Please help me understand hubby and try to get past the feeling of worthlessness. Thank You.


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

APD,
You sound like a very nice person, who has managed remarkably well despite physical handicaps and problems in life. Your husband sounds massively insecure, over-controlling, and unable to trust you because he has such a pathetically low opinion of himself. You are not worthless at all, but gosh, he has worked hard and long to convince you that you are. Yoou DO deserve love, respect and trust from him. That you haven't is because he can't give it, to anyone, not even himself, but because there's any reason why you don't deserve it --- you do. Feeling worthless himself, he tries to cope by pushing that awful feeling onto you. Counselling could help you ; he's probably too insecure and scared to be able to dare to face counselling himself, even though it could help him, too.
After the weekend, when they come back, see what some of our regular readers suhhest about this sad situation.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: agpleasedaddy | 2004/10/16

Hubby must have a low self esteem,,I agree on this.Now something else i did not mention, we can not even go to any function as there is ALWAYS a problem..hubby gets upset when music is played that he does no like,he only likes sakkie-sakkie or old music from the 60' and 70's anything else is rubbish to him,so we have to leave as soon as he is unhappy,I believe a person should give everyone a chance to listen to what they want,am I wrong? He puts his music on almost everynight,OLD OLD stuff and it's very loud,I have to listen to it,I keep quite and let him listen,as he has rights to,but when I play something I like he has a lot to say,My elderly father is ill
with alzeimer's , hubby say's-" he has lost a few piggies"
But let me tell you..dad was the best dad any child could ask for he was always there for us kids in difficult times,my dear old dad does not know what my life is like,he will not be able to handle it if he ever knew. We have 5 grandchidchildren that love grandpa a lot [hubby] so I don't know if it is the right thing
to leave him,there are alot of other factors to consider before I take a step like that.but I have thought of it lately.
What I did do the other night when he raved on about something, I said...okay,now you have finished talking now it's my turn! for the first time I told him that I am tired of him always judging me and talking to me in front of other people in that manner, and that this is something he has been doing forever,
and he really should look at himself because he thinks he is alway's right about everything and I think he is selfrightiuos!
he then said..I am always right yes...Man did I feel good afterwoods! but the next morning I thought..wow..what did I say to hubby!.....but it still felt good. But I don't think he will change easily. anyway thanks to the 'cybershrink' who's answer did help me to see things more clear. will keep posted on my situation. it's so good te be able to 'let it all out'.by writing here.

Reply to agpleasedaddy
Posted by: Zeena | 2004/10/10

Actually, I posted a long reply to this problem last night, then was told by a computer-generated message that I "was advertising, which is not allowed". I could not get past that problem, so my reply was not posted. (I have no idea what I "advertised"!!)

It's too long to rewrite. As I see it, "Agplease ..." has two choices. As she was married quite long ago and at a young age, she would most probably be married in community of property. So she could go to a lawyer -- and pay him later -- and arrange to divorce this man with his low self-esteem. The children are almost all out of her house and hands now.

Or ... "agplease" .... you can continue with this unhappy marriage.

"Agplease daddy", have a good, hard, think: would you like to be on your own and do your own thing before you are old, or do you want to carry on like this? You will most probably not marry again (why would you want to, after all this, anyway??).

You CAN get divorced without having money in hand -- aren't there something like "family lawyers"? You will have money after the divorce. If you were married in community of property, you are entitled to half of all you and you husband own.

Think this over. If you have the guts to make this jump now that your children are adults, you would still have years ahead in which you could, at least, be your own boss and do your own thing. At last.

Reply to Zeena

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