You know me from before. Your help has always been enough to calm me down and I''ve been trying not to spend money on a psychologist. But now things are really difficult.

I''m that person who moved to Canada because of someone who I then found out was married. I didn''t go back to my country though and continued with my job as a nanny and got a new boyfriend who makes me happy and who I love so much but who''s depressed, which can be hard at times. And I want to stay here in the future, but my parents don''t know and won''t react well.

I had depression when I was 15 (now I''m 25) but I managed to find a way to control it until now. The thing now is that I got insomnia 2 weeks ago. I lost entire nights of sleep and got tired and confused. And then the other day someone told me my cat had died. I went to check and it was someone else''s, but I ended up being the one who moved it to the sidewalk because we were all adults and all scared to touch it and it was all very disturbing, especially because I had no idea someone (me included) could be scared to touch a dead cat. For a day, everyone thought I was losing my mind. And the last straw was yesterday. I agreed to take care of a child that is friends with the two children I''m responsible for. So basically the child is moving to a school close to us, and I''ll be taking her to school, picking her up, feeding her etc. All day long. (Her parents and my employers decided so because I speak German and can teach her some German). I agreed to do that and the child has been enrolled in the new school now. But yesterday I spent my frist day with her and she''s way too much to take. It''s a good challenge too, but ''ll have to do this for a year and I''m wondering how I''ll be able to. Then it''s a deal that means I''ll get the same as one extra hour of work per day but I''ll have such intense work and maybe I''ll end up working 5 hours too many like yesterday. I really need the money though, because I''m poor and I get minimum wage. So I''m struggling. I can''t sleep enough at the moment and I feel as if I can''t do this. I''m sooooo tired, I have no time for myself and keep having thoughts like kicking a mirror and cutting myself with the glass. I''m not dangerous to other people, but I am a hazard to myself right now. I think of every possible self-destructive idea. Even falling down the stairs on my back and breaking into pieces.

What I need is something that keeps me from having such thoughts. Councelling won''t work because talking about problems only makes me more confused and I regret everything I share with people. I feel like I''m mental and I don''t want to. The other day I threw a glass and my boyfriend cleaned up after me. He was so supportive but I felt like a baby who can''t do anything. i just felt like I''m so sick. Sometimes I wish I was locked with other sick people, where everyone''s the same and I don''t need to worry about what others think. BUT I''m so afraid that seeking help will make them kick me out of the country. Especially because I work with kids. They might think I''m not safe. But I am. I never let anything show in front of the kids. This happens mainly when I''m alone or with my boyfriend (not because he triggers it, it''s just because I have nothing to hide from him). How likely is it that I''ll be sent out of the country for this, if I seek help? And also would medication solve most of the problem?