Posted by: Babes | 2006/11/15

Is there any hope for me?

Thanks for all who responded to my previous postings. Last night I told my husband that I want out of this marriage, I cannot live with all this lies and uncertainty anymore.

This is my second marriage, my first husband cheated on me while I was pregnant with my second child. He also hit me when I was 8 months pregnant, my eardrum was ruptured and my face was blue on one side.

He left me when the child was 2 weeks old, I had a hard time and suffered from postpartum depression. I tried to commit suicide once by drinking 70 antidepressants and 20 sleeping pills, but my mother found me and my stomach was pumped out. I survived and got better, with the support of my family.

I think this is where all my problems and uncertainty started, why I cannot trust my new husband today. When the child was 2 years old, I met my current husband, he was very good to me and we married 4 years later and have a child together.

He made a few mistakes and lied to me about several things, mostly to avoid conflict and not to hurt me, but I'm not making excuses for him, just seeing the situation in perspective.

Last night I wanted to commit suicide, I wanted to leave my children and just go anywhere just to blow my brains out. When I decided this, I felt so calm, but I could'nt go through with my plan, because the baby started crying and did'nt want to stay with her dad. I cannot eat, I also have an eating disorder, something like anorexia I think.

I'm a damaged person, I won't ever be whole again, it feels like it does'nt matter how hard you try, how much you do be attractive and beautiful for your husband, how much attention and love you give him, you won't ever be good enough.

When people look at me, they see this stunning women, perfect body, perfect clothes, perfect looks. But they don't know how rotten and empty everything is inside. How I lost my belief in the goodness of people, I just want to be alone and die.

A psychiatrist once diagnosed me as bipolar II, I was on medication but had to stop it when I was pregnant with my lastborn.

As you can see I have bad psychological problems, my medical fund is depleted, I can only see a psychologist next year when the medical fund start for a new year. And I don't think I can talk to a psychologist about all this, its to hard.

I don't know what to do.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Surely, there IS hope, Babes. I'm pleased to hear that you resisted the temptation of suicide, which would have such a terrible impact on the children --- and would be so deeply unfair to YOU, as you still owe yourself many more chances to find happiness in life. Even if you have been damaged to some extent. you can heal yourself, with the appropriate expert help. You say you were diagnosed as Bipolar, and stopped the medication, understandably, during this latest pregnancy --- but also that you have a history of a significant Postnatal Depression after the first pregnancy, which should have made it a priority to resume proper medication right after delivery, and to have proper counselling throughout that period. And you should avoid making major decisions like divorce until your mental state has stabilized.
Remember, nothing inside you is rotten --- it FEELS AS IF it is rotten --- the difference is highly significant. It's not long to go until next year, if you can't manage to find a way to start counselling before then ( and I'm sure you will find it easier than you expect to talk about all this with any good counsellor / shrink --- you're eloquent and fluent here, already )--- and meanwhile, you should probably restart on the bipolar meds you were taking before, with antidepressant meds which your GP could supervise in the meantime.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: kat | 2006/11/15

some people are just not meant for eachother. now on the up side its 15 november which means that january is only 1 1/2 months away and you can go back on your meds which will help with the chemical problem and then you see a good shrink to help with the emotional probelms. and eating disorder. you need to start loving yourself in order for you to feel others love.

Reply to kat
Posted by: T | 2006/11/15

U have been through alot give ur self some credit that u have made it this far despite all the bad things that have happened.
I think u should start making ur work about u and the kids and not th men...they are disapointing.
Dont let go and take the easy road out and commit suiside....thats the worst thing u can do..imagine what u will be leaving behind..the beautiful children that really love u and want u with them everyday.They really do need u and only u can give them what they need.I know u lost in life right now....but find a way out...if u want out of that marriage go for sure it will be hard but hey so is alot of things in life.But nothing is harder than loosing ur sould...ur happiness.
First step is to do something for yourself.Get out the house go for a walk or join the gym...something that will keep u busy and get ur mind working on other things.
Try to socialize even if u dont feel like it ...its for the better.
Dont reach for the impossible do one thing at a time...and be strong think of the good things and not the bad things

Reply to T
Posted by: Echelle | 2006/11/15

There is ALWAYS hope as long as you BELIEVE!!!! Hold on! They always say something like: every dark cloud has a silver lining :-)

Reply to Echelle

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