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Question
Posted by: AVB | 2008/01/22

Is seperation the answer to addiction?


I need some advice.

My husband is in a terrible place. He drinks after I go to bed (perhaps 3 – 4 vodka’s) around 4 times (sometimes more) a week. I catch him out once every three or four months having done coke with friends. He always tries first to lie to me, denying it ever happened. I have become good at interrogating him until some truth eventually spills out. And at times he insists he just forgot to tell me or didn’t think it important. He was a terrible drug addict for a decade and started cleaning up his act about 5 years ago at my insistence. But he never COMPLETELY cleaned up.

In my mind I KNOW he still has a problem.
- He lies about whether or not he’s had a line
- He lies about how many lines he had
- He drinks when I am not there to see it
- He drinks alone
- I have to force the lies and the truth out of him
- He sometimes just lies about something small

We have been to marriage counseling for a year (where he still lied and did coke a couple of times). He has gone to NA. He has made the promises, cried the tears and sworn eternal regret and love. But it’s always just a matter of time.

Somehow, the hardest part for me IS all the lying. Because it leaves me never knowing whether he is telling the truth. Suddenly a world of fear and insecurity opens up. How much drugs is he REALLY using? Does he perhaps drink even MORE than that? What if he is sleeping with another woman? Endless doubt that eats away at a relationship.

After one more ‘discovery’ I have stuck to my guns and told him to leave. After many warnings he HAS now lost me, he has also lost his family. We have a 16 month old daughter. I have explained that he is welcome in his daughters life at all (sober) times, and that I really do love him. But this life that we’ve had is unacceptable.

I love him so much. I want our family to be together. I am so scared that he won’t turn his life around. I’m terrified that I’m going to lose him.

How do I stay strong? How do I not let him come home? How do I get through this?

Is this the right thing to do?

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Our expert says:
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For anyone, let alone a former drug addict, to take coke at all, is never irreleant and something not needing discussion and attention. And a complete clean-up is needed, not just a moderation, which leaves the chemicals lively within his brain. And while he continues to lie and hide the truth, perhaps from himself as well as from you, the situation is not healthy. Is there any possibility that he will agree to work properly with a suitable expert drug counsellor to get and stay clean, and to work with you in marriage counselling to see what can be sorted out within the relationship ? And do see someone for yourself, to help you stay strong and effective, for your sake and that of your child.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: AVB | 2008/01/22

Thank you NIA.

Your words are devastating to me.

I needed them.

Reply to AVB
Posted by: Nia | 2008/01/22

AVB - you are doing the right thing! Dont take him back. He only loves himself and his drugs, much more than he loves you and your daughter. Leave him and forget about him. Remember that there is someone perfect out there for you, someone who deserve someone as special as you and who will respect and love you as a man should love a woman like you. And while you have this drug addict in your life, that special person cannot be in your life too. The sooner you get out this relationship, the sooner you can start living your happy life and wait for that special one to come along, Take care!

Reply to Nia
Posted by: AVB | 2008/01/22

Thank you so much for your prompt reply.
We were in marriage counselling for a year, during that time he lied to both myself and the counsellor and still did coke.
He went to see a psychologist about two years ago, she sent him on his way telling him he'd be fine (with some manipulation on his part I'm sure). We've attended NA meetings which he decided were not for him because he didn't fit in.

I've tried it all. Sadly, he is the one who hasn't. I don't think he ever really wanted to make a difference. He just did what's necessary to keep me. I guess I am simply trying to figure out whether I am doing the right thing. And if there is any chance that he'll come to his senses?

Reply to AVB

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