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Question
Posted by: wifey | 2007/03/29

is my marriage finished?

I'm 25yrs old, husband is 34yrs. Married for 2yrs but have been "serious" since I was 16. I'm not sure that we LIKE each other anymore. He's changed and I've changed, we've both grown up and I think we've grown apart from one another. Lately he's been very cold and critical towards me. Our sexlife is pathetic, I only get "some" when I ask for it.I think I still love him, but I like him less and less everyday. Can it still be love? I'm so confused. I feel that we're just pretending to other people and ourselves that we're ok. Everybody thinks we're the perfect couple and he's the perfect husband.There are so many things that are wrong, that I dont know if its worth fighting to make it right. I trusted him to love me and make me feel like I'm his #1, and he's let me down like every other person I've trusted in my whole life. He's just like them, I'm only good for what I can give. Love can be taken away if I dont behave, I seem not to deserve it like everyone else does. It seems easier to just be alone. If I'm alone I cant get hurt. From the outside I have it all, but if only people could see how I'm feeling inside. I'm falling apart, but nobody must know. It was always easy to hide what I feel, turn the pain and anger into something cold and hard and move on. But I cant anymore. I think I'm too screwed up inside, how can my marriage ever work?

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Our expert says:
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I always think LIKE is an essential precursor and foundation for love --- there are too many people who fall in lover without first falling in like. But surely it's worth trying hard, if not fighting, to see if things can be put right ? Marriage counselling is capable of helping a great deal, and at least, even if the eventual decision is to part, it helps to make sure that you part more amicably and understanding how things went wrong, so as to be better capable of avoiding any repetition of such problems.
When you refer to "every other person I've trusted in my whole life" having let you down, this experience and conclusion could well be strongly colouring your perception of the surrent situation, and your responses to it.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Damon | 2007/03/30

you wrote that "he's let me down like every other person I've trusted in my whole life"..... then I think, like Tango said, you need to see a good therapist (i wonder how do you define and know a good therapist). you need to deal with your disappointment by those you once trusted and let you down - cos that you are viewing your husband in the same light, he may just not be the same as them, but your guards are always up, you never dealt with and found closure on the past.

if it is tru that "he is like them", you need to deal with "how and why did you attract and allow/let yourself to be treated like that in the past and how and why now with your husband". I listened to the MetroFM talk with Crisselda Cannanda (ex my spelling) and they talked about the power of words. They said that there is nothing like a victim, there is she or he who allowed him or herself to be (raped, abused, treated badly and other ills.).

In actual fact, you are allowing your husband to treat you this way. In fact read what you have written again.
- " dont know if its worth fighting to make it right"
- "I trusted him to love me and make me feel like I'm his #1" (you need to learn that you are your own number one first before you are their or his number 1)
- " he's let me down like every other person I've trusted in my whole life" (you trusted them - nothing wrong with that, but you choose to trust or not to trust a person)
- "Love can be taken away if I dont behave,"
- " I seem not to deserve it like everyone else"

need I continue with the power of your words? they are now tormenting you

Reply to Damon
Posted by: Sg | 2007/03/30

Only you will know when it is over but I would certainly try every avenue before making a final decision ie marriage counsellor etc

Reply to Sg
Posted by: RMC | 2007/03/30

its always worth fighting for. If there is something that can be done and you don't do it, that is very sad.

You sound like you want to fix it and be happy again. Try marriage counselling along with individual counselling.

Reply to RMC
Posted by: Tango | 2007/03/29

Well no marriage is over till you both signed on the dotted line. yes, you both have "grown up" and communication sounds as if its at an all time low.

I would recommend you start first by going to a good Marriage Counsellor / Therapist to start unpacking your own thoughts, feelings. This will give you a better understanding of yourself and where you are at. At a later stage the Therapist will possibly want to talk to your husband.

Start with yourself.

Reply to Tango

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