Posted by: lisa | 2012/11/09

is my husband cheating?

I''ve been reading this blog for years now &  find it very interesting &  informative. We''ve been married for a little over 6 years (he was unemployed for almost 3 years of the 6, and I helped him further his education etc.) &  have 3 beautiful kids. My husband works out of town &  is home every other 4 days. But alot have changed since he started working away from home. I''m always hearing about his colleagues whose cheating from friends, but never about my husband. I don''t know if people are scared of him as he can be quite intimidating sometimes. He holds true that he''s just there for work, and nothing else, but why would he have another number that I don''t know nothing of? When we argue, I normally just ignore him because I''m so tired of the lies and secrets. He goes out when away &  doesn''t even tell me. I had to hear about it from friends. His phones are always hidden away, and when he''s here, his alternative number is off, and visa versa, when he''s away, he''s regular number is not in use. There''s a lot of women he chats to, as he has alot of friends, but when we''re not speaking to each other, he''s always online &  we don''t communicate whatsoever. The other day when he left, I sms''d him a few hours later to say he''s been online the whole morning but can''t even let me know he got there safely, he had an excuse as usual. When we''re ok when he''s away, we chat or call each other for hours. He even lied in my face about not being online when he was home because his internet services had to be reloaded, but the morning before he left, he was online. I just don''t know what to think anymore. Please help! I''m considering flying up and surprising him because I need to see for my own eyes what''s really going on. But I don''t know if I''ll be able to handle it if I were to catch him with someone else, because he''s always telling me how much he loves me &  he''ll never leave me or our kids. His parents are divorced &  he always says he''ll never put me or our kids through that, but I really don''t know what to think or believe anymore! Any help would be appreciated. Lisa

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Our expert says:
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Who knows ? Presumably he does. Maybe it wasn't wise to have 3 children with a guy who was unemployed ( in terms of the best interests of the children ) but its understandable. I don't quite understand what you mean about him "having another number you don't know of" - presmably you know of it, but don't have the number ? Is it maybe just for work ? Then you talk of his "lies and secrets" - do you mean these are suspicions you have, or has it been reasonably proved that he has been lying and keeping significant secrets ?
I'm not sure for what innocent reason he'd need to be regularly chatting with "other women" other than those he must work with in terms of his job.
DO you know ( or does he explain ) why he spends so much time online when he is home ( when presumably he'd want to be spending more time with you ) ?
If you "flew up to surprize him" ( assuming there's someone reliable to look after the kids ) it'd cost a lot, and isn't it likely you would find nothing, even if there was something sneaky going on ? Are you equipped to be a mysterious and secret spy or detective ?
Dont you, rather, just need to sit down with him next time he's home, and calmly outline all the reasons you feel uneasy, and ask him to discuss this with you ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: TRACY | 2013/12/17

My Name is Ms. Tracy Newton, I was married to my husband for 13 years and we were both bless with three children, living together as one love, until 2009 when things was no longer the way the was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 6 months after, he stated sleeping outside our matrimonial home. Only for me to find out that he was having an affair with the lady that gave he the job. since that day, when i called him, he don’t longer pick up my calls and he nothing since to come out good. Yet my husbands just still keep on seeing the lady. Until I met a very good friend of my who was also having a similar problem, who introduced me to a very good love spell caster. But i told her that if it has to do with things that i am not interested, but she said that it has nothing to do with pay first. but the only thing he was ask to do was just to go and buy the items to cast the spell, and that was what she did. And she gave me the spell caster e-mail address and phone number. When i contacted him, i was so surprise when he said that if i have the faith that i will get my husband back in the nest three [3] day, and off which it was really so. but i was so shock that i did not pay any thing to Dr.obadam, but my husband was on his knells begging me and the children for forgiveness. This testimony is just the price i have to pay. This man obadam is good and he is the author of my happiness. His e-mail address obadamtemple

Reply to TRACY
Posted by: dr | 2012/11/16

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Reply to dr
Posted by: man | 2012/11/12

I can''t believe the above have summed up he''s a scum bag and is cheating just like that WTF? yep things are a bit suspicious but talk to him ! ask him straight out. If after that your not convinced and you have to catch him out then do it. Personally if your at that stage the trust has gone whether he''s cheating or not and thus the relationship is in serious trouble! You need to ask yourself if your going to move on or put up with this crap.

Reply to man
Posted by: Anonymous | 2012/11/12

Really Kabelo?

Those three children he is neglecting by spending time on his computer are his too.
The lady can only make him happy if she is happy too and right now the man is not making her happy. Lastly, he is not doing her a favour. It is called a marriage, which requires love, trust and honesty, not gratitude.

Lady, talk to your husband and find out what is going on before making rash deceisions. I wish you strength.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Cels2012 | 2012/11/12

Wow, this sounds so familiar!

Been there done that and have been divorced for the last 2 years.

They will lie straight to your face, so don''t waste your time asking - check the phone, hack the e-mails, install spyware on the computer - that''s how I found out the truth.

Kick his sorry-|-into touch!

Reply to Cels2012
Posted by: Romany | 2012/11/12

What is it with men today? Just read their answers and tell me?
HE did NOT give YOU 3 children... YOU gave HIM 3 Children. A couple minutes pleasure is hardly a sacrifice.?
Do not spy on him? WTH how else<  he is obviously a seasoned liar, like most.
Concentrate on " making him happy" ? Stuff that for a joke? HE is the one never at home, HE should be concentrating on making YOU and the children YOU gave HIM happy.
" Be gratefull you have a man" ... This is the way a " man" acts? I do not think so... he is no man. In fact there are very few of the male gender that one can call a " Man" nowadays... obviously.
YOU cared for HIM more than half your married life and now YOU must be gratefull. WTH?

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Hannes | 2012/11/12

Yes he is cheating you, That is what I do with my wife, He will not leave you Do not spy on him or go through his personal stuff like looking for clues on his phone or e-mails. Rather give him a reason not to look around

Reply to Hannes
Posted by: Kabelo | 2012/11/12

He is away most of the time, why dont you concerntrate on making him happy when he is home than being suspicious all the time. He has given you three beutiful kids that you should be proud of, stop wasting you energy on negative things. Be grateful you have man some of these bloggers want you to leave him and join them...bloody losers

Reply to Kabelo
Posted by: mystery lady | 2012/11/12

I think you already know the answer to the question. I have been in the same situation and he will never change as he has the best of both worlds. Is this the kind of relationship you want your childrens subject too as it will affect them. Do yourself a favour and get out before its becomes really nasty

Reply to mystery lady
Posted by: mirr3 | 2012/11/12

Listen 2 ur instinct. U will never go wrong. Ur relationship is already in trouble whether he is cheating or not. Proving this will only escalate ur poblem. Decide if u want 2 save ur marriage or not. Good luck.

Reply to mirr3
Posted by: Dan | 2012/11/12

The best advice that I have seen and can give you is confront your husband, not in a horrible way but ask him what is going on between the both of you? Why do we not talk anymore anymore?
Before you jump the gun and mess everything up talk this through and tell him how you feel.
From a guys view it seems like he is but the worst thing you can do to a guy is put him into a corner as he will lie to you again, rather speak to him and find out the truth.
As for him always been on the computer have you looked at his history he might be watching porn or going on dating sites. (can you live with that)
Get these answers from the horses month it will save you all the heartache you are going through.

Reply to Dan
Posted by: Muthukhapfe | 2012/11/12

Are you not cheating to your husband?

Reply to Muthukhapfe
Posted by: Jane Doe | 2012/11/12

WTF. Learn to spell people. That goes for the author, as well as the readers who are commenting. Grammar? Did any of you go to school? It''s very annoying to (try and) read an article and comments seemingly written by grade 2''s!

Reply to Jane Doe
Posted by: karen | 2012/11/12

Why does this sound so familiar.......these men have no conscious obviously he is cheating I''ve been thru this same experience and every i Approach the situation i was told is my colleague, today the same coleague is having his

Reply to karen
Posted by: Nthabi | 2012/11/12

Please leave this man - he is cheating

Reply to Nthabi
Posted by: Romany | 2012/11/12

A woman''s instinct is normally correct. I would like to suggest that you get a Private Investigator to get you some proof.
Believe me, he will NEVER admit unless you have the proof.
So, calm down, act normal, get a PI, get the proof and then confront him.
I am 100% sure your instincts are right.
Good luck, I know, this is not a nice place to be....

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Brandon | 2012/11/12

Bloody hell woman. . . your relationship has long gone South if you ask me. When people don''t speak / communicate then there''s obviously something wrong - never mind other women.

You need to talk about why you stopped talking. in that discussion you will probably find out if he has been seeing someone else but, first, you need to actually communicate with each other.

If it''s wort saving then do so... if it''s not then walk away. Having nobody is no worse than wasting time with the wrong somebody.


Reply to Brandon
Posted by: j-dawg | 2012/11/12

We''ll the real question is would he not be cheating himself by not making use of the opportunity?

Reply to j-dawg
Posted by: Riva | 2012/11/12

Absolutely cheating. I know of someone doing exactly the same thing - same situation. Away from home for 10 days, at home the next 4. SMSs other women all the time.
Some men are so good at lying and we believe them! Don''t fall into that trap! If your gut tells you he''s cheating - he probably is! Walk out, in my opinion.

Reply to Riva
Posted by: Been there | 2012/11/12

Dear friend, it does sound like he is. But currently you have no proof. Ask yourself these questions: Consider what it is you want on a long term basis. Could you live with a cheating husband and turn a blind eye to keep the peace and ''stability''? How would you feel about yourself and your life 5 or 10 years from now if you did that, would you regret it or be okay with it? Would your children be okay with the kind of life those 5 or 10 years would be? Would there be an effect on their lives in future? You may answer yes, or no. Does your investment of emotion and energy into this person reward you and your life? Are you happy? Think these things through before you approach him - you could save yourself a lot of pain and tears. You deserve love and to be cherished when you love and cherish. There is no such thing as a one sided relationship.
Good luck to you and wishing you hope and courage.

Reply to Been there
Posted by: Reason | 2012/11/12

He is definitely cheating. I have a friend who is using the same modus operandi as your husband. His phone is always off when he is with the other woman.

Reply to Reason
Posted by: Aidan2010 | 2012/11/12

That sounds like he is cheating. Ask him straight why does he have another phone and why is he always hiding it. Do not go there and suprise him, you wont find anything. The answer will be found on his " secret"  phone

Reply to Aidan2010
Posted by: Man | 2012/11/12

One thing I can tell you is, he is definitely cheating. If a guy is open with you he will never hide his phone, cause he wouldn''t have anything to keep from you. All you need to do is starting dressing sexy and going out and you will see how he changes immediately. A man only starts noticing his wife when he thinks that someone else might be making her happy.

Reply to Man
Posted by: whatever | 2012/11/12

Why is this under health24 and not woman24?

Reply to whatever
Posted by: Jayzee24 | 2012/11/12

Stop worrying about your husband. You''re not his keeper. You must spend time showing him love than spend time being suspicious. You sound like you can do with a hobbie. Discuss your concern with him and assure him of your love.

Reply to Jayzee24
Posted by: Gareth | 2012/11/12

Lady take it from a man He is cheating. Do yourself a favor when he is away start dropping the kids off with a sitter or a Family member and go out with lady friends or tell him you have met new girl friends and you are going out with them,

He has his good little wife at home looking after his kids while he get to do as he wishes with no threat of you meeting anyone else. What a happy and manipulating man this enables him to be. Turn the tables and he will turn into a nervous jeliouse wreck.

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: N | 2012/11/12

I''m so sorry that you have to experience this. If you feel like he is, he most probarbly is cheating. Listen to your sixth sense, whether you wanna fly there or wait it out. Whatever you find you will make a decision for yourself first.

Reply to N
Posted by: Been there did that | 2012/11/12

If you have a gut feeling then follow it , I did this I am not proud of it but if he is hidding his phone , lying etc then sorry to say then it is happening

Take from me that did this the signs are there now just follow you heart .

Reply to Been there did that
Posted by: BEA | 2012/11/12

Your story sounds sooo familiarand at the end I found out that my husband was having an affair.
I think I know how you''re feeling.
Tell him about your fears and watch his reaction.If he gets angry or doesn''t want to talk, then it''s a bad sign.
I wish you lots of strength.

Reply to BEA
Posted by: XXX | 2012/11/09

It certainly does appear that he could be having an affair.When someone leaves their phone off or won''t let you answer it,it always raises a red flag in my mind.
Having 3 children with him being unemployed for a long time is rather " naughty"  of both of you.
I''m not sure flying to where he works is the answer as he might not be with the " other"  woman at the time you happen to see him.Clearly he will then just avoid any contact with her,whilst you are around (IF there is someone).
Is there no one else you know that could possibly keep an eye on him to see what he does with his spare time !

Reply to XXX

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