Posted by: Angelica | 2012/11/02

Is my cousin after him?

Hi guys, this is something that''s been bugging me for quite a while. I think my cousin, Anna (not her real name) likes my fiance, Josh (not his real name), but I don''t know if I am just being silly or if I should confront her.

There have been quite a few incidences, the last two are really disturbing me. Some of the things Anna''s done I ignored (her head on Josh''s shoulder the one night, the way she always tries to make conversation with him, the way she always has to sit as close to him as possible, her inviting us out via HIM and never me, etc).

The last two have really peeved me off. There was a birthday in the family in September, long story short I had to leave to make a family member home. Josh never came with me as another family member was coming with me. I was gone for literally two minutes (I got into the car, started it, realised I left my purse and licence inside and went to fetch it). In those two minutes, Anna had found a nice cosy spot right next to Josh (she has squashed herself between him and my sister''s friend, on a two seater couch). I was so angry I just left. When I got back I didn''t want to make a scene so when everyone was leaving, my other cousin (Anna''s sister) said that she''ll send me a message to go out, she has my number. Then Anna said to me, " Oh I don''t have your number but I have Josh''s."  Then we all left.

I asked Josh why does Anna have his number and not mine, he told me she lost her phone and she asked for his now at the party. I asked him if she asked for mine, he said no. I said did you offer my number, no he didn''t think of it. I had to give him a few examples to make him see how dodgy that was (like would you ask for your friends girlfriends number and not his, etc). He says he doesn''t think anything sinister because at the end of the day she is my cousin.

So then only yesterday I get a message from Anna, she asked Josh for my number YESTERDAY only. She didn''t get it from her sister, she got it from my fiance.

I don''t know if this is something I should stress about... for one there is a huge age difference (10 years, she is still in her teens) and Josh is very affectionate with me even in front of them so she knows that we really love each other, but on the other hand I know she is very promiscuous and cheats on every boyfriend she has (at another family gathering, she was so attentive and playful with her sister''s boyfriend that when we got there, we actually weren''t even sure who''s boyfriend he was).

Am I being silly? Should I confront her?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I wish we could ban the use of the currently popular word "confront". Confrontation is generally an aggressive process, which generates aggressive responses, and surprisingly seldom a useful outcome. Of course there are situations in which it is necessary to speack calmly with someone and to reveal something one knows or which one feels strongly about, in a more peaceful manner, assertive without being aggressive. But then you describe her as
From your description, her behaviour is clumsy, naive and forward, but not necessarily sinister. If this was the ONLY example, if she has never ever behaved in any way like this towards anyone else, it might be more worrying. She's a highly immature and flirty teenager who, you say, cheats on many boyfriends, and has made an ostentatious display of affection to someone else's bofreiend, too.
YOU speaking to her probably wouldn't help much - she'd deny that anything was wrong, and maybe label you as over-reacting, etc. Discuss this calmly with Josh, and agree that he will not allow her to do this, will discourage her ( the more subtly the better. When she squeezes in next to him, he'll get up and sit elsewhere ; he wont accept o answer phone calls from her, and so on. Not in a hostile way, but firmly not accepting jer advances.
And have you thought, maybe between you, chatting to her parents about this ? Wht are they apparently so uninterested in a teenager with promiscuous habits, which could put her at risk of STD, pregnancy, and social problems ? Don't they care ? You're describing obviously inappropriate flirty behaviours in front of the family. She may be seeking attention, but isn't getting the attention she needs from the people who should be giving it to her. They may be neglecting her in other less noticeable ways, too.
Your fiancee is probably being naive and unrealistic, as some young men can be, and not recognizing the sinister intent on her part, but should be glad to join you in dealing with this, primarily by denying to her the agreeable attention she apparently craves.

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Our users say:
Posted by: two.stone | 2012/11/02

Sorry, I am a man and I think Josh should put her off and ignore her, move when she sits next to him etc.he obviously likes the challenge of someone else''s man

Reply to two.stone
Posted by: Anon | 2012/11/02

Kgomotso''s suggestion sounds a bit..rough in my opinon, especially considering the fact that your cousin is just a teen and a part of the family too after all. When people act in an attention seeking way the best way to get it stop is simply stop giving them attention, when your fiance stops giving her attention she will go look for someone else who is willing.
Next time she sms''s him, if it''s not important have him ignore it, if it has to with plans or something that definitely needs to be responded to you can reply from your own number. She will get it eventually that he cannot even make time to respond to her messages.

Personally, I''ve never seen why any woman would ''fight'' or get catty to defend their relationship from other woman, atleast not in long term relationships or a marriage. You shouldn''t have to compete with anyone anymore, your partner chose you and when he gets flirted with it''s his responsibility to make it clear to others that he''s not interested..

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Kgomotso | 2012/11/02

Lady you need to speak to your cousin and tell her in no uncertain terms that you are on to her and therell be none of need to even post on this forum...your gut and her actions tell you that she is after him and by the sound of it thats wasup dont be tiptoeing around people lest you offend them at the expense of ur relationship.

tell her to piss off right quick. mxm wish i was in that situation shed be out the country,

Reply to Kgomotso
Posted by: Maria | 2012/11/02

Josh should just give her the cold shoulder until she gets the message, that''s all. If you speak to her she will just deny that anything untoward is happening.

Reply to Maria

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