Posted by: Angry | 2006/03/30

Is my anger at my husband justified?

I'm angry at my husband but can't let him know. It's about responsibility and taking blamewhen blame is due. We were at a function and he was supposed to drive us home afterwards. Thinking that he would be the driver I had a little more to drink than I probably should have. When it was time to go, he said he had had far to much and I had to drive. Well, I was already fuming, since it was his job to get us home safely. Needless to say, there was an accident (which was not my fault mind you) and I am taking the blame for it. For driving while under the influence, I'll admit the blame and take what comes to me. It's just that if he had kept his side of the bargain, non of the events of the evening would have occured. I'm fuming inside and don't know who to be angry with! My husband's laughing and carrying on with his life as usual, since he doesn't have any consequences to deal with, while I am slowly and quietly dieing inside!
Can someone please help me figure out all these emotions?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

CAN'T let him know ? Talk the situation over like two mature adults. There was a bit too much thinking amd too little discussion, You THOUGHT he would be the driver --- you could have decided this together, and avoided the problem. You say he should have "kept his side of the bargain", yet you don't mention any bargain having actually been formally reached.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Angry | 2006/03/31

Thank you everyone.
We've spoken about it and working it out together. He does admit some responsibility but you're right doc, too many assumptions were made on my part. This will not happen again.
Have a good day and stay safe!

Reply to Angry
Posted by: lady nina | 2006/03/31

hi there

looks like you allowed him to be irresponsible for a long time - so much so that he thinks your ok with it, thats why he doesn't feel worried, so people doesn't have a sence of responsibility because they were brought up diffirently
however have you ever told him what you expect of him? does he even have an idea that he acted wrong?

sure if he was responsible he would know he is at fault and deffinatly make up for it, but he doesn't seem to be the responsible type

so i don't think you are justified because you allowed him to not tkae responsibility, he should have know before the party that it's his responsibility to take you home and you should not have allowed him to get out of the responsibility even if he was to drunk - you could have called a taxi or slept over
as long as someone jumps in and take over they will never learn to be responsibile

i very much doubt that he will become mr responsible overnight infact very few people change once they are adults - they only change if they have to and there is no need for him to change as long as you act all responsible and take over

sit him down and have a talk to him, hopefully he will understand that both of you are wrong and he would be willing to change, however i very much doubt it....


ps lack of responsiblity is same as selfishness and self centredness - part of his character

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Chelle | 2006/03/30

I think your husband ought to be more supportive, but the bottom line is you had too much to drink, and yet you still decided to drive. Fortunately, the accident was a little one, but you do have to assume responsibility. There had to be other options, such as calling a taxi, getting a lift with someone else etc.

Your anger at him is understandable, and he shouldn't be merrily going on his way at all. He also needs to assume responsibility for the situation - you shouldn't have to deal with it alone.

As irresponsible as you say he was by not sticking to the bargain, he was however, responsible enough to know that he shouldn't drive, and should be given some credit for that. There are so many people out there who don't actually care and end up hurting or killing other people.

Best wishes in dealing with all the difficulties that go with what happened.

Reply to Chelle

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