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Question
Posted by: Storm | 2004/01/23

Is it worth to go on with relationship.

All feedback would be appreciated: I have been in this relationship for just over 5 months now. And I love this girl very much. We also got engaged a few weeks ago. Well she started swotting now, a 4 year cours. Her mother says I cannot see her Thuesdays and Thursdays. She has to swot. Ok fine, but when me and my girl talked about it, she said she can still go out or go visit other friends on those days.?????Anyway yesterday she had class 8 am to 9 am and then she wanted to go play pc games with friends, but mom said she must help her in the shop.And today she does not have class and she must work again in the shop. But still I could not see her last night. But games en to help mom in the shop does not invluence the swotting, only me!? We are in a serious relationship, but now she says she like the rules because she wants her free space. We can only see each other in the evenings, cause I work during the day, but still she wants free space. I don’t think this is appropriate in a relationship. If 2 people love each other so much they want to spend time together and do things together when ever possible, right?? When I try to talk about it she says choose, option A or B. A: I take the rules and continue B: We split up. Well I don’t want to choose, and if you love someone that much you will not make them choose a wrong choice if it comes to that, you will try to make them choose A because you love them.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Storm,
You both sound rather young, and she, like her mother, sound raher self-centred and uncompromising, and inconsiderate. But on the other hand, maybe you're pressing too close, and she does want "own time" as Dampies says, outside of studying and shop. Don't you, really, need some "own time" of your own ? At an earlier stage of a relationship, I'd be all with Dampies, but if your gf has agreed to be engaged to you, formally, then she is being less than reasonable. Indeed, if her studies must take priority at this time, etc, why did she get engaged now ?
And it sounds as if she ( with mom ) has made a set of rules that don't take you into account --- don't you need to sit and talk this through, and make sure that both of you have the same idea about what sort of relationship this is ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/01/23

The message is quite clear - she does not want to spent all her time with you! In other words - she does not really love you!

Give her time and space and don't put any pressure on her or else you can forget about her.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: Another opinion | 2004/01/23

It is not about the age or engagement, it is about space. But I do not agree with it. Not in a relationship.

Reply to Another opinion
Posted by: Storm | 2004/01/23

I know it is soon, but everything was so so perfect. And she wanted that security. No issues about the x.

Reply to Storm
Posted by: My opinion | 2004/01/23

I'm sorry storm, but you say above that you were / are in this relationship for 5 months? I think that is VERY soon to decide that you want to get married - especially for a 19 year old girl. I also get the impression that you've still got a couple of issues to sort out with yourself about your ex. Age isn't an issue, but maturity is. She might be mature in some ways, but others, she's still got a lot to learn. And you know, better it was broken off now, rather than you guys getting married and realising then that it was a mistake.

Reply to My opinion
Posted by: Storm | 2004/01/23

She always told me that I am the one for her, that she wants to marry me and she wants my children. She was very serious about it. We clicked like magic, like we were made only for each other, This is the 3 rd time breaking up over the same thing, her space. Everytime she crawled back, but not again. I love her so so much. I can't go on like this. At 19 I was in my first really serious relationship and it lasted 8 years. I also wanted to go out and do my own thing untill she my x of 8 years told me it does not work that way. She asked me why are 2 people together, if they don't do things together. And I stoped what I was doing and we had a great relationship.

Reply to Storm
Posted by: JALB | 2004/01/23

SORRY TO HEAR YOU BROKE UP AND UNDERSTANDING THAT YOU LUV HER ALOT THIS MUST HURT. BUT REMEMBER SHE WILL MISS YOU AND MAYBE THIS WILL MAKE HER THINK HOW SHE TREATED YOU (not wanting to spend time with you) AND ASK FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS.

J, I DO REMEMBER BEING 19 AND PLAYING WITH SOMEONES FEELINGS WAS NOT ON. TO MAKE A PROMISE TO MARRY THAT PERSON IS SERIOUS AND BEING 19 YOU DO KNOW THAT AS WELL. SO HER AGE GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

Reply to JALB
Posted by: J | 2004/01/23

She's only 19. Can you remeber being 19? Did you want to be superglued to someone at that age? 19 is wayyyyyy too young to even be thinking of marriage and you really should know that.

Reply to J
Posted by: Storm | 2004/01/23

Thank you Jalb, I also got some feedback from 2 girl friends of mine, and they agree. Maybe it is my own fault, the age may be a problem, that she aint grown up enough. But still if you love someone, then you make a plan. I am 28 she is 19. She is grown up in some areas, but I am still young in spirit. And we both agreed that the age is no problem. Mom told us both, but she was basically happy about it. And her mom has always ruled her relationships. I've put up with a lot of shit from her mom, because I love her. But now it is over, we broke up. Because she wants her space.

Reply to Storm
Posted by: Storm | 2004/01/23

She gave me the altimatum. And she has free time that she does what she wants to but then it runs into our time together.

Reply to Storm
Posted by: JALB | 2004/01/23

I do not your or your GF age but I personally think she need to grow up. Firstly you are engaded to her and if spending time with you is not as important as playing games/seeing friend/work in shop, then she is not serious about this relationship. ( I wanted to spend every possible moment with my man even when I was writing exams.) Did mom tell you herself you can not see her or did GF tell you?

There is alot that we dont know, like is her mother against this relationship or does she only want your GF to do good. But seeing that she has classes in the morning, she can swot the afternoon and definately make time for your at night.


Reply to JALB
Posted by: Dampies | 2004/01/23

You need to chill big time bud. Give the lady her free space and dont be so overbearing. And dont, whatever you do, set an ultimatum like that, she's going to dump you. Each person needs their "own" time, and when she's working in the shop or studying it doesnt count as "own" time, that is working/studying time. Only once her "own" time starts exceeding your "together" time do you need to start worrying. Get a hobby, go out with friends, take up a sport to keep you occupied so that she can have the time she needs to complete her studies successfully, without you pressuring her to spend more and more time with you.

Reply to Dampies

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