Posted by: PARIS | 2004/11/09


My friend broke up with her boyfriend over a year ago. We are in the same circle of friends. She still expects me not to be decent to him or even chat to him.

I should also let you know that i knew this guy before they started dating. She says she no longer considers me a friend because i told her that i am neutral.

Is she being unfair?


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Our expert says:
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What she's asking is indeed unreasonable, though understandable. Beyond Tired is correct in what she says, and I agree with kernel that she's not behaving like a friend of yours, while inventing artificial rules for what she thinks you ought to do as a friend of hers.

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Posted by: PARIS | 2004/11/09

Thank you all for your responses. They have indeed helped me weigh it all up, and some how the burdon i have been carrying is lighter, because i have made up my mind.

I dont want to be friends with a person who makes me choose. It is not what friends do to each other.



Reply to PARIS
Posted by: Jenna | 2004/11/09

Hi Paris

She is being unfair. Your friend should not expect you to choose her over him and vice versa. You have a right to be friends with both of them. I understand what you are going through since I went through the same thing in August last year. My best friends had a messy break up after a 9 year relationship (just a few weeks before their wedding). It hurt me to see the both of them in so much pain, since they were both my friends. I was expected to chose between the two of them and I could not do that, so my female friend cut me out of her life. I still feel so sad when I think of her, I miss her terribly but it was a choice she made. Paris, it is your decision, but just know that your friend is probably hurting so give her some time, maybe she will realize that it is unfair to make you choose.

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: Mimi | 2004/11/09

Maybe you need to be on her side for a while to make her feel safe and then slowly introduce the subject when she is sure that you are indeed neutral. she needs your support.

Reply to Mimi
Posted by: ec | 2004/11/09

Hi PARIS - sometimes it becomes necessary in life to move on - even where 'friends' are concerned. Way up the pros and cons about staying friends with this girl. She seems to be immature and maybe needs time to 'grow -up' a bit and realise what a friend she has in you.
Good luck

Reply to ec
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/11/09

This is a rather one-sided friendship don't you think?

She does not behave or act as a true friend at all and also does not consider you to be a friend if you are friends with the other guy as well.

Decide who you want to be friends with and put the others behind you. You don't need provisional friends.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: PARIS | 2004/11/09

Yes i have told them both how i feel, and yes i have also told her that she is being unreasonable.

The thing is she cant let go of this guy and is more jealous than any thing. What happened was, they kissed about a month ago and i told her that she shouldn't expect him to leave his girlfriend, and shouldn't live on hope. I told her to forget about him, because he cheated on her and now he has cheated on his girlfriend with my friend. I knew it would all blow up in her face, and i advised her to let go.

Then not so long ago, i got an email from her ex, saying that his girlfriend is back in town and every one is welcome to join them for drinks. I never replied to the mail, nor did i go for drinks. At this time my friend and this chap were good freinds (or so it seemed to me) any way about a week ago, i asked her if she went for drinks, and she asked me what i was talking about. I told her about the email and she totally freaked out that she was not invited and told me i was a lousy friend even if i didn't go or reply. She says she cannot accept that me and him are friends, and doesn't now doesn't consider me to be a friend.

Let me also tell you that i never ever see him. My boyfriend and i spend a lot of time with Family and our other friends. The only time i chat to this guy is on msn. I dont understand how she can call me a traitor, and tell this to our other friends as well.

I wish she would just grow up. She has made this an issue for over a year now. Its fine for her to be friends with him, but not me. Why? also, she is so two faced because about 2 months ago she and this guys new girlfriend were at the bar having fun and having shooters and finially put the past behind them (so i thought) but the next day she hates the new girl friend again, and im not allowed to be nice.

I dont understand it. I feel i have spoken to her till i am blue in the face, but she just wont understand my point.

I dont think i am doing any thing wrong.

Reply to PARIS
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/11/09

In my opinion she is being unfair and by you being neutral I think is great, it is not easy. Have you told her you think she is unreasonable considering you knew him before and that you feel you can be friends with them both without being biase.
Whatever you do don't discuss the one with the other because then you are not neutral. Tell her and him you will not do this and they should not expect it, you are friends with them both.

Hope the friendship works out.
Good luck and Take Care.

Reply to Beyond Tired

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