Posted by: Nomava | 2013/02/13

Is it time to move on

Ive been living with my customary husband for the past 5yrs. We have 2 kids. From the time we met i never hid who i was.and i laid down my expectations:

Be upfront about issues coz once trust is broken, it cant be fixed
Dont get me used to going out with you coz i will always expect it
I am a creature of routine, maintain it then i will be happy
I am calculating and skeptical(dont forget ur lies)
I am not furniture or security for your house.
I strive on attention and being nurtured
4 years down the line the following is the norm:
he cheats
he is always out with friends and comes back early morning
he is emotionaly and verbally abusive
he never has time for me and his kids
draining me financialy

The main issues which i feel are the main cause of our problems are the following:

He hid the fact that he was HIV positive. I found out late and ended up staying. Luckily i am still negative and my kids
he bought a house which he cannot afford. i earn a fifth of what he earns and expects me to take care of 40% of our expenses.which does not make sense while he spends his money on alcohol
he is an alcoholic and refuses to get help
he is pathological liar, lies about stupid things
he refuses to be tested for TB. I have a newborn in the house who is susceptible to infections and shares my bed.the doctor advised me to get him tested to safeguard my child coz he is always coughing

I am trying to save money so i can afford to move out but he makes it impossible.I dont understand why i shud assist him financially so he can go spend it with his gals. Things run out at home and i always have to make a plan.He expects me to serve him his food on a plate every day but he has never done anything for me.
he uses reverse psychology and tells me normal men go out weekends and he is the only one who is not allowed. I am not being difficult, i just expect him home by 2am which he fails to do.

I am 16yrs his junior and people always say i look great but my self esteem has been killed which is why i still stay and take his sh#t.

I am at wits end. I cannot be a gud parent to my kids if im not happy.

I don’ t want to end up bitter and stay just to plan my revenge. I know all his weak points and secrets. I can easily destroy him but I haven’ t.

What should I do

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Our users say:
Posted by: David | 2013/02/13

You need to love yourself and let it go.this is coming from a man. He never loved you and never will. I stay at home with my family and so do many men i know( i am black). Once you have a family you let go of your old life. That is why when you marry they say you leave behind your past. He probably had a bad upbringing so he sees his behavior as normal.

Being a family man is a choice. He obviously chose to not care about you or his kids. i will not even entertain the HIV issue since you accepted and you cant judge a person by his disease. This issue here is his dishonesty. He was not upfront and put your life at risk. Men like that deserve to go to jail.

I have heard similar issues amongst our black sisters. You have to get out. He is obviously not going to change

Reply to David
Posted by: Petty | 2013/02/13

You have been very lenient girl, expecting him home by 2 am!!!!
I can never live with that. 10pm is enough for me.

Bottom line you need to grow the courage to live the relationship because there is nothing more keeping you there. I know that when the heart says yes you will live.

good luck!


Reply to Petty
Posted by: I | 2013/02/13

Where there''s a will there''s a way. You have to want to do it real bad in order to get out, at which point you wouldn''t consider his needs over yours, for example ''he makes it impossible''. No, he doesn''t make it impossible for you but you are the one who''s enabling his untoward behaviour through the excuses you keep on making. Unless you change, your situation will not change. You haven''t reached breaking point yet because when you finally do, you will know without a doubt know what to do.

Reply to I
Posted by: ..... | 2013/02/13

I think u have let urself into a very compromised situation. U will be lucky if u get out of that trap alive... Just leave and start afresh

Reply to .....
Posted by: Ntate | 2013/02/13

Read your subject line for what you should be doing Nomava.

Reply to Ntate

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