advertisement
Question
Posted by: mommy | 2008/06/09

Is it okey ...

Hello, My baby died on 26 February 2008 (she got an infection from the hospital, and they also did not follow what the doctor prescribe. She was only 6 months old. She had a tracheostomy and gastrostomy, and yes, is was difficult to take care of her, and tiresome, but I still miss her, and everybody keeps telling me that she is better off where she is now. I have been trying to stay strong, because there is a period, apparently, that the feelings should subside. I actually feel worse now, than the day after she died. My longing to hold her just feels as if it is getting worse and stronger. I stay with my mom and dad, so sometimes I want to cry, and let go of my feelings, and then everybody me is faffing, and I'm not okey etc. etc. Is it so wrong, to just want 1 day or hour for myself to cry and let go of the emotions? It feels that I should be over the worst, but it is only getting worse. I know life goes on, and everybody expects you to handle the day. And that is maybe what I have been doing. I am currently going for counseling, but we mostly discuss my boss’s harassment. I don’t know which way to go anymore.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

So sorry to hear of your sad loss. Even if she is in a better place now, that's not an automatic comfort for you ; but people who really want to find a way to comfort you do tend to repeat those sort of cliches. Often one is to some extent psychologically numb early on after such a loss, and the depth of one's feelings does tend to emerge after a while. And I recognize that feeling of wanting to hold her. I remember one woman I worked with who after losing an infant, knowing her baby's weight, chose objects like begetables of around the same weight, and wrapped them in a blanket for her to carry in the house for some days, just to feel a sense of real presence of the child she had lost after suich a brief acquaintance.
It is TOTALLY natural for you to want to cry and to go ahead and cry --- crying, within reason, is good for us, and releases some of the bad feelings. Its a bad idea to force yourself not to cry for fear of upsetting other people. They must accept it as natural and healthy and allow you to do so. Even realyl caring people can be clumsy when faced with challenges like this
With her having been so sick, this was naturally tiresome, so don't feel guilty if you got exasperated with her at times --- only a caring person can feel exasperated when your ability to care doesn't seem to be enough.
And stop being so considerate of other people, when it's them who ought to consider you. Those who urge you, directly or indirectly, to be stoic and calm and bottle up your emotions are not thinking of you, but of themselves, as they might feel embarrassed or uncomfortable when confronted with real raw and genuine emotions. Tough ! Expressing the emotions for a time would be better for you, and its your needs that are most important right now.
And it sounds like your counsellor is being rather dof, in concentrating on work-related problems and apparently neglecting the most vital current issue, your grief. If he or she really cant handle this properly, maybe you need a different counsellor.
As Maria says, do contact the COmpassionate Friends. I knew the hospital chaplain in the UK who founded the group, and have helped with some of their meetings locally --- it can be a great comfort.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: LL2 | 2008/06/09

Thanks. It is important for you to cry and work through it as it may become worse if you dont. You dont want to end up having a nervous breakdown. You must remember that it is a devastating loss and if you speak to people who have lost children they will tell you that you never actually recover 100% from that. It will take years to even feel almost normal again. it doesnt just happen overnight. You should try not to worry about what other people think - you need to do what you have to and if it means crying then so be it. Something that has helped me and my family is that we have made an effort to go away. If you could do something like that just go away for a weekend. Try go with someone but if you rather go alone then do that. A change of scenery makes you feel a little better and more relaxed. Maybe it is something that you need. You and I still have a long road to walk and we need all the help we can get. Being nice to yourself and allowing yourself time to heal will do a great deal of good. All the best to you on your very long and difficult road ahead.

Reply to LL2
Posted by: mommy | 2008/06/09

LL2, I am sorry to hear about your loss too. It is true what you say. I sometimes feel that if I do cry and the emotions get the better of me, people will react with a "Not again ..." Like you said, you can't describe it to any person. And yes, maybe I am to hard on myself.

Reply to mommy
Posted by: LL2 | 2008/06/09

Hi Mommy, I am so sorry to hear about your terrible loss. I lost my little boy in February this year too - he was 2 - and much like you I feel that it is not getting any better either. The longing for him is almost unbearable at times. It is not a feeling that one can describe to another who is not in the same situation. It is good that you are going for counselling but you need to talk about your baby no matter how hard it is. Please remember that other people dont know what to say to you and often they say the wrong things. Dont let it bother you. You need time to grieve for your baby and you need to take as much time for that as needed. You need to be kind to yourself too and if you need to have a good cry, then go, have a nice long bath with candles and then cry your heart out. I still cry for my baby and i dont think it will ever stop but i have been told by others in a similar situation that it becomes easier to deal with in time. Just be patient with yourself and deal with the emotions as they come up as repressing them will not help at all. I am truly sorry that you have to go through this as I know how it has been for me and my family. I do pray that you will find comfort in your heart and that you will be able to cope with this situation as best you can. Take it one step at a time.

Reply to LL2
Posted by: mommy | 2008/06/09

Thank you Maria, will try them. :)

Reply to mommy
Posted by: Maria | 2008/06/09

Oh mommy... hugs. A child who dies is a terrible thing, and there are no rules for how you should handle your grief or how long it should take. There is a support group called Compassionate Friends for bereaved parents. You can contact them on (011) 440-6322 Monday to Friday 9.00 am to 1.00 pm. They also have a website listing numbers for the groups in different areas. And it will probably be a good thing to talk to your counseller about this as well. Take care.

Reply to Maria

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement