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Question
Posted by: L | 2007/02/19

Is it ok?

Is it ok for the woman to work, and the man sit at home and do nothing?. I know Its new South Africa, and before the change It would have been acceptable fora woman to look after the kids,clean the house etc, while the man brings income.

What if its the other way round, and hubby depends on u for a living?. I work, pay the debts, look after the kids and him. The problem is I m beginning to loose patience, and I m always tired!!!

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Our expert says:
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No, it is NEVER EVER right for the man to be a bum and sit around at home doing nothing. If there is any good reason why he isn't working at present, he ought to be energetically looking for a new job, and meanwhile doing ALL the housework and household chores.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Joy | 2007/02/19

ja die land is vir ons gegee and thank u very much! :O)
plaas van stick to the point maar jy moes mos nou afdwaal!! daai stelling was nou regtig onnodig..ek hoop jy weet dit P!

Reply to Joy
Posted by: P | 2007/02/19

L, wat het die nuwe SA met jou situasie uit te waai? Behalwe as jy swart is, die land is mos vir hulle gegee.

I can't understand how you can mingle with such a person that walks over you, the man is suppose to be the provider, or at least 50%. He has no self respect, does not care about ethics and has no upbringing, and it is even worse if you let him get away with it.

Just leave him. He will never change, even if he had a job, his whole attitude against you is wrong, and I am sure he treats you like dirt in other circumstances as well.

Reply to P
Posted by: I know the feeling | 2007/02/19

Dear L,

I know what you are going through, my husband (60) is also not working, however when we met and got married 6 years ago, he was employed, however shortly afterwards we both got retrenched from the same company. It was extemely difficult. I have been the breadwinner eversince. I know how you feel because I also tried talking to my husband about it, and he too gets moody and then he tells me that he does not feel like a man because I have to work while he stays at home. I am fortunate that he at least does the cooking and cleaning as well as looking after our son (4). He also picks up my daughter from school, and I appreciate this. The problem is same as you that he does not seem to be making a move to look for a job. Every job that I tried to organise for him, he had an excuse for, valid or not? I know he is old, but I am also tired all the time, I suffer with bad tension headaches, and I have even gone so far as to give him my car for Christmas after the car I bought him initially was written off, in an accident that was not his fault. I bought myself a scooter to try and cut on expenses, but everytime I wipe my eyes out, we have no money. (He has access to all the bank accounts). Then I have to borrow from my parents for petrol money, bread and milk.

L promise me you'll never be as stupid as me, don't give him access, for once he has access, you can NEVER take it back. He will make you feel guilty for as long as you live.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, it's just the finances that is driving me insane.

Reply to I know the feeling
Posted by: sss | 2007/02/19

Hi

I had the same problem, i have been married for 7 years and have2 kids, and ever since we got married he never realy kept a job, he would walk out of a job when he wanted. I helped him with business and he messed that up to, then i came to find out that he was having affairs driving around with my car while i had to take lifts to work, This has effected my life at work and my ability to have fun with my children. The fault here is not them its us . I finally asked myself how cheap could i class my self to except such a lousy ass in my life i am extualy buying his cheap love.

i no longer tell him anything that goes on in my finances, because he lends up badgeting on your salary, IF you unplug from this relationship you will start seeing how lousy he realy is. You need to get your mind in order because i guess you are loosing focus on your goal and priorties in life. And except that he does'nt love you and his just using you and robbing your childrens life and chanced of enjoying their mothers hard work. i geuss you give him what he wants because you fear.

Love yourself enough to start making plans for you and those kids. Emagine not having a job tommorrow he will leave you and find some other woman to make misrable.

Reply to sss
Posted by: L | 2007/02/19

Thanks a lot Joy, Believe me everyday I keep on thinking how do I take him out and I m working on it. The thing is the house is mine so he is the one to move out.

I ve called his parents to come and visit and I plan to tell hem that I m quitting ina family meeting. Its just that I m feeling bad for the kids coz they really like him

Reply to L
Posted by: Joy | 2007/02/19

L If you're compromising the needs of your kids in order to meet his, alarm bells should be ringing loud and clear in your ear. You sound like a smart, sensible woman who can distinguish between right and i wrong, and you and I both know, even though you asked "Is it ok?", that its NOT! You need to move out of ther as soon as possible. You're mainting his home and paying his bills in addition to taking care of food, MOVIE TICKETS??!!!...the fact that he is short-tempered is a concern. Cant you stay with a friend/family in the meantime till you can get on your feet and find a place of your own? Or deprive him of his luxuries and save some, keep the peace and move out when you're ready financially? Has he been physically abusive?? Research doesnt pay the bills and you've been as supportive as you could. He's behaviour is unacceptable. Cant he find a job? Any job and do his research partime?? Cant he see the strain he's putting you under? He doesnt qualify to be called a man if he cant even take care of himself for toiletries. He should be taking care of you, not the other way around (unless its temporary), but this seems more permanent an arrangement and you're the only one who can really get yourself out of this! It's so unfortunate that you're afraid of him - you cant really state your opinions now. It might take time but you need to work toward getting out! Cent by cent-day by day..work toward it like a goal and set a date! You can do this!

Reply to Joy
Posted by: L | 2007/02/19

I promise u Joy, I have talked to him about taking care of himself, so that i can take care of the kids to no avail. He will be like listening yeah, u are alright an dthe following day he will be asking money for this, and money for that.

Sometimes he will be so upset when I talk to him and tells me money is not everything. He always convince me that he is not sitting but making research about business opportunities as he dont see himself working for anybody. He always talk about business ideas that never get to manifest. I ve tried helping him with some money in financing his ideas and I never got positive results.

He ask money for perfume, underwears , petrol to move around , movie tickets etc. This puts a lot of strain on me and the kids as I feel I cannot meet their needs. I m honestly battling to an extent that I dont know the door to a clothing store anymore.

If I dont give him money he wont talk to me for days and it becomes so tense in the house. He becomes moody and sucks for days.

I ve tried breaking up with him, but it has not been easy as I m staying with him and sometimes I become scared of him when he is angry.

Reply to L
Posted by: Echelle | 2007/02/19

Ofcourse it's not okay!

Reply to Echelle
Posted by: Joy | 2007/02/19

If its not okay for you then its not OKAY period..!..regardless of what we think. Has your man been making an effort to find work without any luck or is he just laying around hoping a job will come knocking on your door? Is he physically unfit to work or is he just not willing but capable. And have you talked to him about how you feel and how does he respond to all this? If you'r bearing the load of work,kids,bills,home and dont even have time for yourself it really is not okay. Is he contributing to the household in any other way at all? he sounds like more of a liability than an asset and you dont have to stand for this. Take care of your kids (as you should), and let him take care of himself on his own! You have enough on your plate and cant add a grown man of 'things to take care of' to your list when he does absolutely nothing for you!

Reply to Joy
Posted by: J | 2007/02/19

I'd lose it. It is fine for him to stay at home and be a SAHD if women can be SAHMs -- but then he must do his part as well. Why doesn't he work?

Reply to J

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