Posted by: ELS | 2008/05/27

Is it normal to feel like this?

Hi all

I found out the other day that my husband was on some site where people can meet each other, BUT the thing I hate so much about this site is that everybody is naked! You can choose your favourites there and so on. My husband also showed two pics of his dick and a normal pic. He also had 33 favourite girls that shows absolutely every detail of their bodies! That was in his past (that is what he says), but his profile still existed until yesterday! I thought I married a man that was not in to stuff like that, a man that has respect for himself and a man with morals! We are married now for only three weeks. I am so disappointed, because I feel like I married a person that did not even exist! I was so mad that the profile still existed and that the confirmation e-mail was still in his deleted folder. I was angry and hurt so bad, that wasn't the kind of man I fell in love with! I was looking for a man that hate it as much as I do and I thought it was him, because whenever I talked about people watching porn, etc. etc. he agreed how bad it was and pretended to agree with me! I feel so dirty right now and I don't want him to ever touch me again! I feel like I'm just another body to have sex with. He says that he never met any of those girls and that his ex girlfriend wanted a third party and that is why he had a profile on that site. They broke up a long time ago, why still have that profile? He said that it made him feel sick after a while and he logged in a long time ago, but why keep it all then if it makes you feel sick and guilty? I am shy about my body now, I have smaller breasts than most of those girls he chose as favourites, but the day before I found out about it I bought pills to enlarge my breasts for him! Now I feel like doing exercises, continuing with the pills to be more beautiful for him, but still I feel that I don't want to ever touch me or come near me again! Those pictures I saw was shocking!! How can a woman not have any respect for her body? I started shaking when I saw his profile, ready to die! I forgave him or so I think, but I can't get over it and I will never be able to make love to him ever! I'm scared that he will think about other women when seeing me in bed! What can I do to forget about this? I take stuff like this really badly!

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Our expert says:
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See a marriage counsellor together, and don't lett these concerns simmer away for longer, unattended to.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Pluto | 2008/05/28

WoW. Nou daar is vir jou 'n mond vol!!
Ek dink nommer een is, (al is dit HOE moeilik) jy moet besef dat hierdie in die verlede is. Jy ken daai ding van "what happens in Vagas..." Wel, sien daai as part van sy Vagas lewe. Ek het nou nog nie op "daai" chatrooms geregistreer nie, maar ek is 10 teen 1 self steeds op 'n dating site, waarop ek jare voor my troue geregistreer het, ekt net gespeel - net vir sommer maar net omdat ek verveeld was. Ekt geen intensies gehad nie, en het ook nooit iemand ontmoed daardeur nie. Sal sy kwaad wees as sy my profile vandag erens opspoor? JA, natuurlik! Dink jy sy sal my glo dat ek nie my profile afgehaal het nie, bloot omdat ek nie meer my user name en password kan onthou nie? Nee, sy sal my nie glo nie.

Die issue is net vreeslik baie vererger deur die feit dat hy selfs foto's gepos het... Ouch! Hoop nie hy het foto's van jou ook geneem wat erens gepos is nie!

Skei na 3 weke? Ek neem aan jy het vir die regte redes getrou. En glo my, ek verstaan as jy se alles is anders as wat jy vooraf gehoop het, en dat hy nie die man is waarmee jy gedog het jy trou nie. Maar weet jy wat? Jy is steeds lief vir hom, en die ergste van alles, die man wat jy lank terug ontmoed het en leer ken het, en van gehou het... Het daai goed gedoen. Hy het miskien opgehou omdat hy jou leer ken het. Miskien dra die feit dat hy dit nie meer doen nie water...
Maar hoe sal jy weet of hy dit nog doen??

Onthou net een ding. Die liefde bedek alles, glo alles en hoop alles. Ek kan verstaan dat jy diep seergemaak is, en dat jy voel asof hy jou nie werd is nie. Hy moet ook net besef dat dinge gaan nie in die bed goed gaan as jy (die vrou) nie op 'n emosionele vlak gelukkg is nie.
Miskien is cs nie verkeerd om te se julle moed iemand gaan sien nie... Maar uit ondervinding wil ek jou net waarsku - om iemand te gaan sien is vreeslike harde werk, en dit kan mens se verhouding breek! Verseker breek dit vertroue...
Gaan sien dieselfde persoon, maar vir eers afsonderlik, dan kan jy jou hart uitpraat, en hy syne!

Wens ek kon iets anders vir jou gese het, maar op hierdie stadium is dit net damage control wat jy kan doen. Moet net nie dat die situasie jou verblind sodat jy fokus verloor oor hoekom jy in die eerste plek met hom getrou het nie!

Praat met hom en stel defnitiewe doelstellings met datums gekoppel, werk aan julle verhouding. Se ook vir hom hoe jy oor jou lyf voel. Miskien is dit nie 'n slegte idee om hom mooi te laat verstaan dat jou klere nie vanself sal afval in die vervolg nie. Hy sal moet lyding neem, jou wys dat jy hom "betower" en jou laat spesiaal voel. Laat hom verstaan dat jy jou maar weer sal moet "date" en dat hy nie net elke slag 'n home-run te wagte kan wees nie. Hy sal partykeer met eerste of tweede bof moet tevrede wees. Gaan lees oor vaginismus en laat hom verstaan dat jy partykeer nie beheer het nie.

Selfs in die huwelik is daar iets soos verkragting...

Dan... As hy nie bereid is om dit te doen nie; maak nie saak of hy reg of verkeerd is nie, dan weet jy waar jy met hom staan. Ek se nie jy moet sy liefde toets, en eise stel nie, al wat ek se, is as 'n man sy vrou regtig lief het, sal hy ENIGE iets doen om haar gelukkig te sien. Hoe se daardie ou liedjie: "When a man loves a woman... He'll sleep out in the rain, if that is the way she says it ought to be"

Sjoe nou het ek baie geskryf, hoop dit maak sin...
Keep us posted!

Reply to Pluto
Posted by: E.S. | 2008/05/28

I'm sorry about your situation. Porn is disgusting. It is, next to child rape, the thing that makes me the most angry about life. I get totally mad! And I want to know from God, why? How is it possible that those girls can get rich by doing such sick things?
I'm almost 30 and still not married. I'm so scared that I'm gonna wake up some day finding my husband doing something like that. I will never feel good about myself again. I totally understand how you feel. I'm sorry that you are already married, otherwise I would have told you to leave him. I don't know how you feel about divorce, but I would rather kill myself slowly through depression, and guilt, than get a divorce.
I realy hope you can find a solution.

Reply to E.S.
Posted by: forgive and forget | 2008/05/28

I understand your emotions completely. I once heard a comment a preacher said "all the sins of the past will be washed away once you are married" something like that.
It means that (I don’t know if you are religious) once you are married all the past "worms" will be washed away and you will have a fresh start. So if you love him so much, forgive him but if it happens again say TATA. My husband and me have pasts and it stays in the past, if you look at the past to long it would catch up to you.

Reply to forgive and forget
Posted by: sadi | 2008/05/27

It should be make it law that all couples should go for councelling before they get married. Get all the dirty washing on the line, discuss it, fight about it, scream about it, give each other a period of time to get over it , and if you still cant get over each others "other lives", dont get married. Someone will only get hurt.

Reply to sadi
Posted by: Andre | 2008/05/27

I had similar experience with my wife,I have caught her twice where guys sms her,the 1st time she joined a chat line and secretly had a 2 nd cellphone with a diffrent no.I was so dissapointed in her I could die !! This happened nearly 2 years ago, we made pease and moved on,I caught her again in Feb ,I am not stupid and my 6th sense has been rather good.I have lots of empathy for your problem,my experience is ,if you love him ,forgive and forget even if its hard,but if you catch him again (give him benefit of doubt now ,you are only married 3 weeks so give it a shot)leave him if he does it again,it wont stop.

Good luck

Reply to Andre

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