Posted by: Kelly | 2004/11/10

Is it natural to feel this way in my relationship?

Hi all,

I Have been with my b/friend for 3 years now and we have been living together for two. We get on well but lately I have been experiencing irritation towards him. Its like Im getting sick and tired of having to compromise all the time. With you in a relationship you can never just do your own thing. You always have to ask the person and find out if its okay. He can be dominating at time too. In the beginning we used to make an effort to 'please' each other now we have sex on a saturday or a sunday. That has too become a routine. During the week its work, gym ( we go together ) and then home. Then dinner and obviously tv. Its the same routine. We never break it by 'fooling around' inbetween. The last time I mentioned that we should break the routine we had an argument. It seems that I cannot talk to him about our sexual side of the relationship because he gets all annoyed and it makes it worse. Im tired of having to always initiate that too. Feels like the guy waits for me to make the first move all the time. Its like we are always in competition. He waits for me to give in and I wait for him. Its getting boring!

Does everyone go through times when they are irritated in their relationship? Do you think Im going through a phase?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

part of what's bothering you sounds, as you yourself imply, like just the normal give and take of any proper relationship. But many, perhaps most, relationships, fall into a rut after a while unless they make a deliberate effort to keep things fresh between them. Thought of marriage counselling ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kelly | 2004/11/11

To Johan,

Once again you are absolutely right. I know I have to lead and take things into my own hands (excuse the pun ). Its funny how people can be so different. You are also right in saying that sex to me is important as it does bond people together. I must say I have been a little short with him lately and I dont think he knows why. I dont want to make an issue out of this. I must break the routine because he wont.

You are one for good words Johan! I feel better today.

ps..I live abroad so I cant wear revealing clothes as it is freezing..Will keep you posted and you must do the same.!

Thanks again!

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Johan | 2004/11/11

Dearest Kelly,
On a personal note - You were right and in a short space of time (one day) I am felling like a million bucks. Your words mean a lot, but lets get back to you.
Why are we even talking about your relationship - you are looking for mabe a new perspective diff angle to try out and I am smiling oubout your future with this man as I am typing just because you are looking and talking to people about it.
I am going to ramble on for a while and type as I am thinking:

Nobody these days accept what they are delt with and I am sure you dont, we constantly try to further ourselves and evolve as we aspire to better things. If a obstacle appears see it as the first go at getting that bargain at a flea market - round one you say 50 he says 100. and so the round come and go after which you do reach a compromise. He wants your money and you need those shoes. If you tell him that his product is crap he is also just going onto the defensive and in the end - no sale.
It does sound that he has become complacent with how things are and does not feel there is anything wrong. Men just dont like to hear about certain things, the things that they will feel embarased about if talked about with their friends. They will never say that they only have sex on weekends and that it is always in the same poss and the last time his girls legs were shaking was after last years christmas party.
You obviously know him and if he is open minded enough to not get freaked out if you take the lead. Sex does play a big role in relationships and you (like me) sound to value it a lot. That is great to hear as the passion levels are still high.
Have to end soon so: tell him they had this article in cosmo and you want to try this............. and that start fooling around in the car on the way back from gym say "you are in trouble tonight" you know what I mean I am sure, like tose early days man. Wear more revealing clothes around the house (because its so hot these days) This will make the getting things spiced up easier and it will feel less of a pain to try so hard all the time.
You sound like a great girl and I would live to hear how things develop.
PS. Single girlfriends does give the best personal advise, but not always relationship. You are the master and can manipulate the situation to be to your advantage. Like asking your boss for a raise, maybe some flirting would help - just an example but you get the point.

Reply to Johan
Posted by: Kelly | 2004/11/10

Exactly he does not think anything is wrong. I told him that we should spice up our sex life and he just went 'okay'.

Thats all I got out of it.

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Charlie | 2004/11/10

Yes, Kelly it does, just as Johan says. Sometimes I think that you become comfortable with each other and tend to take for granted the other persons needs. I am in a similar situation and the worst thing I think, is that we get scared of going out there and changing things, because of all the reasons we can think of that got us there in the first place. Johan talks about putting the ball in motion, but what if your partner does not agree that there is a problem? What then?

Reply to Charlie
Posted by: Johan | 2004/11/10

Dearest Kelly,
Just a quick note. Been there done that and yes, your life becomes more routine as you go along. Us men are such simple creatures and are quite tranparent. Modern life does that to you as you try and make at least you home life more predictable to deal with the stresses of work. This however adds to stress as suddenly you schedule is full of items even relaxation has a spot between 8 and 9.
I must stress that a break from it is essential. Irritation is just a spin-off from the main issue. You are going into defense mode "compromise all the time..." and it is normal that you start looking out for #1.
Remember the first step is to admitt that there is a problem, then start building. a Termite can eat a tree but only one bite at a time hey so there will be some transition time. You can however put the ball in motion by organising getaways or evenings out or just occations for whatever.
See this as a petty issue only fueled on by your frustration as this has now snowballed.
He does sound insecure but most probable because he knows what is going on. Try approaching this from a diff angle instead of criticising him about the situation. He also goes into defense mode the you are in deadlock.
You will be fine

Reply to Johan
Posted by: NM | 2004/11/10

Hi Kelly,

Why don't YOU change the routine - without disgussing it with him. Instead of going home tonight after work, why don't you give him a call this afternoon and ask him to meet you at a pub/restaurant?? Or, instead of going to the gym, go for a run together, play tennis, squash, whatever. Instead of YOU having to prepare dinner, do it together, try new recipies or let him be in charge of the pudding. It's so easy to fall into a routine...but you have to break it...the longer you wait...the harder it will become....

Reply to NM

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