Posted by: Angel | 2004/01/07

Is it me?

Dear Doc
I met a great guy last year who treated me like a queen. He constantly complimented me and couldn't get enough of my conversation, I mean we spoke to each other at every opportunity, one night our conversation lasted for four hours! He couldn't wait to see me as we live quite far apart and sometimes he'd even fetch me from work so that we could spend some time together. Now here's the thing....he was engaged to a girl he'd been dating for four years and had broken up with her about 5 or 6 months before we met. I know they stayed in touch because he told me but insisted that they were just friends, because their relationship had been a very destructive one. About 2 months after we started dating, he suddenly decided that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship and we started arguing about the pettiest things. Eventually things came to a head and we broke up, deciding to be friends instead. The problem is, I'm still in love with him...was there any way I could have prevented the break up or does the problem lie with him?

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Our expert says:
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Dear Angel,
From a distance, none of us can tell you exactly what happened. But from what you say, it sounds rather as if this uy has some difficulties handling some of the normal frictions that arise within relationships, and instead of either coping with them or seeking help . counseling to learn how to do so, he tends to end the relationship and sugest "let's be just friends" instead. I wonder whether he has done this more than the twice that you know about ?
Anyhow, there was probably no way in which you could have prevented the breakup, and you shouldn't blame yourself for this having happened. It sounds as if at least a significant part of the problem may well lie with him, and won't alter until he recognizs that there is a problem, and until he chooses to get expert counselling to overcome it. Maybe it'd be best for you to focus on starting afresh and looking towards your future, rather than towards his past.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Angel | 2004/01/08

Hi Tebo
You're right...I also suspect that it was something I said or did that triggered the meltdown. So where do I go from there? I can't constantly watch what I say or do for fear of upsetting him. The other problem is, we met through mutual friends, so we tend to run into each other quite often. And when I do see him, my heart still beats a little faster, my breath still becomes shallow and I still want to just wrap my arms around him...this after an entire month apart! Friends have suggested that I get together with him to see if the feeling is mutual, but I'm afraid that it might push him further away, because he could feel as though I'm boxing him into a corner. What do I do?

Reply to Angel
Posted by: tebo | 2004/01/08

I think he still needs time to heal and reload his energy to start dating other people. From your mail I dont think you did anything wrong (but might have triggered something that made him want some space). He is still wounded.

Relax and give him time.

Reply to tebo
Posted by: Angel | 2004/01/08

Dear Nina
Thanks, you really put this whole thing into perspective for me. He did ask if we could stay friends and so far, we haven't had one single argument. He still asks for my advice on certain decisions, so I believe that he still cares. I'll take your advice and give him some space.

Reply to Angel
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/01/08

hi there

if you love him you will give him the space he needs to heal from the destructive past relasionship,
he can't enter into a new relasionship with you before he himself is whole again - do you want half a man ?
most relasionship with a whole man doesn't last so what chance will you have with half a man?

be patient and be a real friend who gives more than receives, who places him needs before youe own

take care


Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Jasmine | 2004/01/07

Its difficult to say, how far apart (distance wise) you two? Long distance relationships can be a real bugger at times. I had one for three years on and off. When we finally lived together we had nothing but problems - we actually got along better when we were miles away from eachother.

Reply to Jasmine

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