Posted by: kelly | 2005/07/15

Is it abuse?

Dear cybo shrink!

im 20 years old and living with my fiance, we are struggeling with money but we seem to manage well. My mother doesnt like my fiance at all and so does my brother and his wife, my father hasnt met him yet. my fiance and i have been fighting for a week now about the fact that my mother doesnt like him. he has a very strong personality and i dont i get intimedated easily he knows that and he knows exactualy what to say and when! im not happy to be with him any more but i feel i cant move out cause his sallary will only cover the rent and then we have furniture depth to pay and im afraid that he might not make it,his brother lives with us he has a job, but they are down siseing nd hes gonna loose the job im afraid he might not get a nother job and then my fiance will struggle more i feel like either killing myself or move away out town and start a new live,where no one knows me.i dont know if i can call it mental buse but he just has that factor about him to make me feel like im always wrong he belittles me and sometimes doesnt take my opinion in consideration. i dont know what to do im stuck in the middle and feel like im in HELL!

Please help me im afraid to doe the wrong thing.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If your mother doesn't like him, I don't quite see why you two need to fight about that. What you're describing doesn't sound like abuse at all, but an uncomfortable situation for you all, with mainly financial causes for staying together, as you see it. Killing yourself if of course not an option, as it solves nobody's problems and causes many more. If you're not happy with him, move away --- back to your family, or to somewhere else for a fresh start.
If he has taken on more furniture debts than he can afford, or his brother might lose his job, thats not a reason for you to stay around and feel more miserable.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: fossyy | 2005/07/15

Most of all it is important how you feel. If anything you should look forward to seeing him when your away. You should be able to tell him anything and he should always respect your feelings. Sounds like it is all about him and that won't get any better with time. You are number one!!

Reply to fossyy
Posted by: kelly | 2005/07/15

thank you so much for the advice cs,buzz and liza.

I try to keep a good name on my mothers side in his behalf. And to be honest would any of you have a problem if your daugther has a boyfriend who doesnt have allot of money or a car and whos familly is very poor. I know that they might not like him cause they feel that he cant provide for me and i know that they would want me to get someone else who is richer and has important job, that wil make him look responsibble in their eyes. they dont even know my fiance his really a good man his doen nothing but care and love me, i dont want sound like im crazy and frankly it doesnt bother me that my family doesnt aprove of him but waht matters to me is that if i go vissit my mother she always has some remarks about my life or my fiance and after i tell her to stop and try to explain then she thinks im living in deniel, then when i go home my fiance has a problem that i was at my moters, i know that it might be cause hes afraid she might poisen my mind but the pattern is going to visit mom getting critisised going home being questioned and fighting about why my moteher doesnt like my fiance.
the only place i want to be 27 is at work. cause no matter what i do i get grap at home or at my moms place.
Im sorry! i dont expect you to read this i dont want to sound unreasonable cause i dont know if i am? i just wanted to thank you for the advice it helped me allot i just got garried away! all of your advice will make me think more rational.

THANKS ALLOT!- CS,liza,buzz

Reply to kelly
Posted by: Liza | 2005/07/15

He probably doesn't see it as abuse, but I think that the way you feel is much more important. If you feel abused that is the way you feel and nothing can change that, even if it isn't seen as abuse from an objective point of view. If you feel the need to move out - by all means do so. If he's trying to break you down its probably because he's insecure about himself and wants to bring you down to the same level.

You're afraid of doing the wrong thing - does this mean that you will stay in an abusive relationship just because he might not be able to keep the boat afloat financially? Relationships should never be about the one person needing the other. If both parties need each other in ways that complements the other its a much more stable relationship and the one partner won't feel that he/she is being abused.

I think that you need to consider counselling. You'll be much happier when you get everything off your chest and the counsellor will be able to help you see things more objectively. If you decide to stay in the relationship, you should definitely get couples counselling. He might not want to go and that is always a clear indication that its time to move on.

Good luck

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/07/15

You can't sell your soul in order to help pay for furniture or because his brother is going to lose his job. Your family doesn't like him for a good reason probably, sometimes we need to take note of what they say. I don't think your boyfriend belittling what you say, is abuse. But maybe his overbearing personality is just too much for you, even though you say you're not intimadated by him. If you're not happy, leave.

Reply to Buzz

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