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Question
Posted by: confused | 2004/11/04

Is husband being abusive and controlling

Hi cyberdoc.
I've been depressed for a long time (since age of 14) I'm now 24, been married for 3 years. My mother has been a drug addict and prostitute since I was 12. She says she has quit drugs fr a year now and I been back in contact with her for that long. Now my husband says that my depression gets worse when I speak to my mother and that our marriage will not work unless I break all contact with her. Is he being fair or controlling. We have happy marraige otherwise, but I feel so hurt by his ultimatum.
I've suggested that I would like to consider pursuing an acting career. He says that I am welcome to do that but that we cannot stay married, as he is not prepared to live with someone that travels all over the world and that I should have realistic dreams. Am I the one being unfair by wanting to change my career and goals after getting married?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I like Chelle's response here. As regards your mother, maybe he's being appropriately protective in not wanting to encourage you to make too much contact there, lest it drag you down again. Maybe it's fair to suggest that you check out how realistic your dreams are before putting them into prctice, but not in tramping on your dreams. Ever thought of marriage counselling, together ? If he IS concerned about your well-being, he should be pre[pared to join you in this.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: bubbles | 2004/11/04

I think your husband loves you very much and it frustrates him to see huis wife so affected by things...like her unkind mother and whating to chop n change jobs bec you arent happy with in your self...

You need to love and cherish him, looks like he is the only one looking out for you after all...and also dont talk to your mother for a while if it make him feel better he comes firrst not your mother esp if she just keeps bringing oyu down after your calls???

Sounds to me like he is looking out for you and get a little frustrated when you keep hitting your head agaist the wall...

Acting ...gosh unless you are brilliant or have loads of talent dont even think about it esp in SA... You need to sort yourself out 1st and then happiness comes not by finding a new job ect..

all the best and keep positive :)

Reply to bubbles
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/11/04

It's not really about fairness here. It's about compromise and how willing someone is to do that. Everyone has expectations about what their marriage will look like and I am guessing that your husband did not anticipate you wanting to act and possibly not being at home often.
It seems as though he is a quick to state that in certain circumstances he can't stay married to you, and it does smack of being controlling and abusive, especially considering your relationship with your mother.
It is also possible that the way he responds regarding your relationship with your mother is a form of him trying to protect you from hurt. If you are depressed when you get home from you mom then maybe he feels it is in your best interest not to see her as it affects the way you relate with him.
It's hard to say for sure what his intentions are totally, but his behaviour does have an appearance of him wanting to control you.
I think you could benefit from counselling and also talking about what your expectations are from this marriage.

Reply to Chelle

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