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Question
Posted by: nikki | 2007/06/14

Is he messing with me?

he's got an x-galfriend who was pregnant and they unfortunately lost the baby. we met when they wer in the ending stages of the relationship (they were about to break up)before they found out she was pregnant. He decided to stay and not "abandon" her while pregnant with the plan to end thinsg once the baby was born. much easier. i stepped back. Now because there is no longer any baby in the picture he wants to try again with me but still feels guilty, likes he's abandoning her because she lost the baby. he wants to let her down gently. in the meantime he wants to continue a friendship with me until she is gone and then we can be together. I cant hadle the wait!!! Everybody knows he doesnt want this woman ne more, he never did. and this is not just something he's told me...is he being for real or just wants his bread buttered on both sides.




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Our expert says:
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EVERYONE knows he doesn't want this other woman ? Everyone except for her ? Giving her hope when he is determined to dump her, is no act of kindness. As Echelle says, remember that the way he treats her now, could be the way he treats you later. Maybe he is trying to be decent about a sad situation. Foxybrown analyzes the alternatives rather well. Give him time.

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Our users say:
Posted by: vkg | 2007/06/15

he is not messing with you but letting him know that this is where you stand and will give him time and space toheal be there fro him but in the end it should be the two of you being together in the end and if he wants to be with you he must mean it and when you have assurance of that let him be just keep the faith keep holding onto what spark chemistry you both have. leaving someone you shared an experience with is hard and he let me grieve the child be angry and eventually break up with the guy, he just said i want you happy and will give you time to sort yourself out with that encouragement i was able to leave and never went back because there was no pressure just support and the things i was going to receive when we were together. he loved me still and we are still together just give him space and the warm place where he will be loved through all his problems

Reply to vkg
Posted by: jamy | 2007/06/14

what kind of a woman are you? have you no shame? you are actually cheating with this guy and you can't see it??? I have people like you - I abhour you!! you are just waiting for the poor woman to be dumped so that you can have this guy?? what goes around comes around girly!!!!!!!!!

Reply to jamy
Posted by: Echelle | 2007/06/14

I'd say it's better to leave the poor girl now if he doesn't want to be with her, she's probably hurting terribly now, but rather all the pain at once than over a few months when her heart is whole again just to be broken down again...

Reply to Echelle
Posted by: FIO | 2007/06/14

I've been there, and still have the baby. I dont care what anyone says, I made her pregnant, and even if the baby was not there, we still would have shared something quite important, if not traumatic, in both our lives.

No-one enjoys rejection, and having lost a baby is bad enough, to have to face the rejection of the person who made you pregnant, is another lousy cherry on the top. I do believe in choosing the right time to end things, I do believe in letting things die slowly. Its less painful, and as far as I'm concerned, is a sign of caring. Is that not better than some cold man who just says Tough, and pushes off leavign you cold and alone, especially since the baby has been lost. And remember, its not only her that lost the baby, he lost it too.

As for keeping her on a string and giving her false hope, thats one way of looking at it. She may have a bit of hope now, but that is far better than the rejection etc if he just pushes off. There is a time for everything, and maybe right now is not the time to push off.

He cares, and you want a caring man, so give him a break, let him do what he feels he needs to do. If you cant handle it, then leave him. Obviously if it goes on for months, I would pressur ehim a little, but no need to pressure him now. Show support and understanding but at the same time let him know its not going to be there forever, he needs to pull away at some stage in the near future.

Reply to FIO
Posted by: Foxybrown | 2007/06/14

Look, I do understand his not wanting to bail on someone who has gone thru a devastating experience, especially as he was part of creating that experience, being the father of the child. So this is a man with a heart and one must remember he is doing grieving of his own. Two ppl who have lost someone between them very often grieve most sincerely in each other’s arms/company. So it is not to be seen as totally suspicious, his wanting to distance himself from his ex girlfriend slowly, as opposed to the ‘one fell swoop’ approach.

But here is another consideration. This man may well be the type who likes the path of least resistance, or perhaps the better expression is the path of minimal drama. Dropping his ex all of a sudden and cutting off all comms with her is a dramatic move and may introduce dimensions into his life he is not prepared to deal with, such as her suffering a breakdown on the side or turning into a foul shrew determined to ruin his new relationship.

It is difficult at this stage to say exactly what reasoning is going on in his head. He could simply be confused and not wanting to take any decision.

The question is what do YOU do? It has been said a hundred million times before – those things in life worth having, are worth waiting for. What do you fear will happen if you wait a little while this man places proper distance between himself and the ex? Will he go back to her? Make her pregnant again? Why are you insecure? Your story after all, betrays your insecurity – somehow you believe waiting for him might imply you don’t get him in the end. Why this fear? Has something made you insecure? If so you know what that thing is and you need to deal with it.

Give him time to grieve his baby. He has lost a son or daughter too – remember it’s not just this woman who has lost a child. If he is able to still communicate openly and honestly with you thru his grieving process, there is no reason to assume he will not be yours eventually. If you sense he is becoming closer and closer to her, then actually this doesn’t have much to do with you. It has to do with the fact that he and this lady never really broke up or stopped loving each other.

One must also remember though, that this lady surely has other resources/shoulders to cry on. Her sisters, friends, family? If she appears to be leaning solely on this man, she has not let go of him and yes this is cause for concern, esp if he reciprocates.

But in any case I say you need to give this man some space. By giving him the time and space he needs, you are allowing him to make a properly-thought out decision –not one squeezed painfully out of him by a clingy ex-girlfriend and an insecure prospective girlfriend. If this man wants to be with you, he will work thru his grief and place proper distance between him and the ex so he can be all yours. Now is not the time to be making demands in terms of his time and attention.

Men hate pressure. It makes them withdraw. Pressure from even the one they wanted to be with, ultimately makes them withdraw.

Reply to Foxybrown
Posted by: andy | 2007/06/14

I agree with Echelle, why is it so difficult for him to leave her, your his back-up. sorry dear

Reply to andy
Posted by: Echelle | 2007/06/14

One more thing, I think he still loves this girl and wants to try to work things out, but you are there for incase it doesn't work out... So in other words, you are his second choice...

Reply to Echelle
Posted by: Echelle | 2007/06/14

He is a fool and he's giving this poor girl hope! It's like he's cheating on her by planning a future with you while he's still with her! Just remember that he can do the same to you in the future. Why not rather step back or tell him that he must choose now or nothing.

Reply to Echelle

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