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Question
Posted by: fighter | 2004/02/27

Is he being childish?

Ok, so now my boyfriend sms's me good morning this morning, so i said morning.I said i miss him.He said he's working this weekend and next weekend so i wont see him for a while, he asked his dad (who he works for) if he can work those weekends.Is he just trying to get back at me and trying to punish or prove a point or something?or does he just need his space?personally i think he's being absolutely rediculous and childish.I'm over it,why cant he just get over it!It hurts that he doesnt wanna see me for 3 weeks.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Fighter, none of you seem to be busy being highly mature and adult about all this, are you ? YOu seem to have thought about the suggestion many have made that you should let him have more space ( many of us would find the relationship you describe having with him, to be smothering and unbearable ) --- but you don't seem ready to act on it and allow him breathing space. You may be driving him away by your persistent desperate attempts to hold him too closely, that's close to the borderline between love and obsession.
Nobody wants to be with anyone else "all the time", except a 2-year-old. See a counsellor and sort out the issues you now raise about your neediness. Only very insecure people feel so uncertain that they could ever actually deserve to be loved, that they require such frequent statements of it.
Once you're able to need less, you'll probably get more.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Fighter | 2004/02/27

So i should rather just let him be for the time being, not say how much i miss him, not tell him every hour i love him - does that get a bit much after a while?See, cuz with me i wouldnt mind if he told me every hour he loves me, cuz he doesnt not.Maybe its cuz he already know i love him.He does tell me every day though. I'm gonna take some time to think about everything, bout what i want and need and should do. Im even scared hed break up with me, but i think thats just my own insecurity coming through.

Reply to Fighter
Posted by: Soul | 2004/02/27

Hi

You do have alot of things to sort out and I do agree with the others.

My dear your b/f will love you very much but you will never be the centre of his world. No woman is the centre of there man's world.

He senses your insecurities and men don't like it. That is something you are going to have to work on changing. Spend sometime on getting to know you and the things you like and do them. I know 3 weekes is a long time but I also feel it will be very good for you. Spend sometime with your friends and family.

When he gets in touch with you again and you discuss his woking over the next few weekends support him and encourage him and let him know you'll be thinking of him and leave it at that, don't go over board and don't moan about it his made up his mind. Change the subject to something light hearted.

Take Care
Soul

Reply to Soul
Posted by: Pat | 2004/02/27

You are using him to fill a void in your own heart. Stop using him that way. I know because I did the same to my bf when I first met him. I was emotionally, verbally and physically abused by my mother for 17 years, and when I met by bf, I expected more than what he could give, it was not fair on him, it took me a while to see that I was hurting him by 'loving' him too much. You are doing the same. You need to see a counsellor in order to find yourself and learn how to love yourself. Many other people are giving you advice as I read above, take heed of this advice, stop saying that I love him too much, I am scared of losing him etc...what will you do if he falls in love with someone else someday...how would you handle this. So go for counselling and work on helping yourself, otherwise you will destroy your life as well as your bf.

Reply to Pat
Posted by: Fighter | 2004/02/27

I think you're right Kasandra. I do fear losing him.I think that everyone time we have a slight argument I might lose him.Thats why sometimes i dont even wanna bring anything, for fear of losing him. I really do love him, I dont think having him will necessarily solve anything. How do I get rid of this childish fear, how can i overcome it? I don't wanna lose him, I love him to much, and I know that he loves me.I dont want my issues to affect him. I know he also has issues in his life, but he doesnt really take them out on me, or maybe he does, im not sure. I get sad when i'm not with him, when I can't see him when I want to. I need to feel his love, he tells me everyday that he loves me, even when hes cross, but sometimes i want him to come see me, to set everything else aside and make me the centre of his world.

Reply to Fighter
Posted by: Kasandra | 2004/02/27

Fighter

You have to learn that you dont need to "perform" to get the love you need from your boyfriend but that you just need to be and he will love you, the thing is you are probably so scared of losing him that its a big fear in yourself that you are going to be alone and then you are stuck with your dealing with your own feelings so that is the first step for you learning to sit with yourself and deal with those unwanted feelings by repressing those fears within yourself you are trickering it in you boyfriend the more you repress feelings of fear, sadness, being angry etc the more your boyfriend will need space cause remember those feelings reflects on him, maybe he
is sitting with a lot of feelings himself dont understand.

Remember you have to find SELF LOVE first the ability to love yourself and be with yourself before you can really love others in return,

I think your bf loves you but dont know how to deal with all this UNWANTED feelings, you should learn to trust and love yourself then you will not feel the need to PERFORM and try to earn love and be with your boyfriend the whole time.

Your boyfriend no matter how much he tries will never be able to fill that gap inside yourself which only can be filled with excepting yourself and self love.

take responsibility for your feelings ........

Reply to Kasandra
Posted by: slr | 2004/02/27

you have very low self-esteem and think that having a bfriend can solve this. It won't, as your current situation now proves.

I am sure therapy will help you like yourself more, so that others are also able to like you?

Reply to slr
Posted by: Fighter | 2004/02/27

Please tell me what u make of this:

Im the youngest of 4 girls, who've always been the popular ones.I've always pretty much been the black sheep in the family. My mom was always not very affectionate towards me, i was always picked on by my sisters.I always craved love, thats all i ever wanted.I always wanted to love and be loved and to be wanted.My sister went to rehab for bein anorexic and bulemic, that was last year, shes still in the same condition. I just want all my bf's attention, I wanna be with him all the time, I miss him always. I would talk to him and spend all day with him if i could.

Whats wrong with me?

Reply to Fighter
Posted by: Fighter | 2004/02/27

I love him with all my heart, i truly do.Maybe he just needs time to himself. We normally only see each other on weekends, but he asked his dad (who he works for) if he could work this weekend and next weekend (i'll see him the weekend after that). Why are relationships so damn difficult!

Reply to Fighter
Posted by: Juzlisen | 2004/02/27

Dear Fighter
You are way too focused on your b/f - do you wan to drive to the point where he wont want to see you at all?
Girl - give the man a break, If he is indeed going to be working I suggest you support him, (he could be working towards a future for the both of you) things do not sound too kosher though. 3 wks is a long time esp if your used to seeing each other allot, has his behaviour towards you changed recently? take a look at your history and both your behavioural patterns, if things have changed drastically you need to re-evaluate whether you still want to be with this man. I dont know enough about your situation to be able to give you an honest opinion.

Reply to Juzlisen
Posted by: Pat | 2004/02/27

Speak to him if you strongly believe it is the right thing to do. But, on the other hand it might be a good thing if you do not see him for a while, it will give you some time to think things through and reflect on your own life. This time apart will help you prove to yourself that you are strong and independent and it will help you decide whether you want to be with your bf because you love him or because you are obsessed with him. If you find that you ABSOULTELY cannot live without him, think about why you feel this way, it is ok to miss him, but there is a limit. Maybe you will find some other underlying reason for you depending on him so much emotionally. I know this does not answer your question as to what exactly to do now, but you ARE the only one who can make that call.

Reply to Pat
Posted by: Fighter | 2004/02/27

So should I rather just let him be for the time being.Calm down on smsíng him so much, let him have his space and leave him alone.Should I talk to him about it, or should I just let it be and see what happens?

Reply to Fighter
Posted by: Pat | 2004/02/27

Maybe you are the one being childish. What if he wants to earn extra money. Girl, grow up, give him a break...from all your previous listings, you seem way too obsessed with your man, and you seem to think you own him. Maybe this is also driving him nuts and makes him not want to spead time with you. Be understanding and supportive instead of getting upset over EVERY thing.

Reply to Pat
Posted by: Jill | 2004/02/27

hi,
From what you have written, I think it is time for you to move on. Find a BF that does want to spent time with you!! Life is too short to just sit and wait..... get on with your life!

good luck

Reply to Jill

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