Posted by: Boiling | 2009/03/09

Is hate treatable?

I' m 30 years old, and am the same as my father. He couldn’ t stand my mother’ s parents, he wouldn’ t let them in his house, he didn’ t like them touching us. It was one of the reasons why my mother divorced him when I was 6.
Now I am exactly the same way with my father in law, I hate the man, I look down on him, have no respect for him, and I get insanely angry when my husband wants to go see him (even though I’ ve never told him he cant go visit). I don’ t know why I’ m like this, I’ ve tried to think it through but can’ t explain it, there wasn’ t a particular incident that set me off. I’ ll do anything not to have to go and see him.
I physically start shaking when he touches my dogs, or sits in my car. I get chest pains, my heart races, and sometimes I cant breathe. I didn’ t take my husbands surname because of him, I don’ t want to be associated with him in any way –  its irrational right, how can I love my husband then? There have been times when I cant bare to look at my husband because he reminds me of his father, which causes problems in our sex life.
My husband wants us to start a family, I’ ve been putting off leaving the pill for nearly a year now –  I don’ t want to carry this man’ s grandchildren. The thought of a part him growing inside me makes sick. I’ ve had dreams where I give birth and the baby looks just like him, beard and all! Its like all I’ m focussing on is my FIL, and I can’ t stop. If I cant stand him touching my things what will happen when he gets near my child? I know I’ ll lose it –  my father once threatened my stepfather with a gun for taking us to school.
My husband’ s family has a tradition of naming the first male after the grandfather, I wont do it, and my baby will have both our surnames.
I’ m forcing my husband to choose between us, and it’ s going to push him away, but I just can’ t bring myself to stop it. It doesn’ t make sense.
On a side note, I had a great relationship with my previous boyfriends parents, we were together for 8 years and broke up nearly 5 years ago.
I know I need to get help, just wanted to put this out there.

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Our expert says:
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Is this a learned hate, or do you really have good reasons that lead to your feelings about him ? And why can't you acept, if you'd like your husband to accept your felings as understandable, that you won't let yourself accept that his feelings, though different from yours, are also valid ? The reation you describe sounds truly excessive, especially i you can;t recall any incidents as a basis for these. Seeing a psychologist to gain better understanding of and control over, these feelings. There does seem to be a fiercely irrational aspect to these reations, which are having a distinctly negative impact on your life in general. Maybe p[art of this is learned from your father's apparently equally fierce and irrational prejudices here.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: ..... | 2009/03/10

you got problems!

Reply to .....
Posted by: Hummmm ? | 2009/03/10

A puzzling one for sure. I wonder if there is some deep seated incident in your past with someone who looks or behaves like your FIL , that you supressed and now its coming to the surface. Surely there must be some reason for you to hate this man so much. Is it something he said or did that put you off and when did it start, right from the word go when you were going out with your hubby or gradually ? If you really do not know why, perhaps some specific counselling will help if you want help that is. It must put an awful strain on your married life, not to mention the harmful stress it places on you. What does hubby make of all of this ? Good luck

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