Our expert says:
SOunds like she is profoundly emotional about this, for reasons that remain unclear. There's no way to save this if she refuses any alternative but divorce, but it does sound like a real shame for her to just give up, and to force you to do so, too. Good mariage counselling would help, of course, but needs her sincere participation. Some people, unhappy in their marriage for whatever reason, reject marriage counselling, I find, for two main reasons. One is if they are the officially "Guilty Party", they dread having to own up, especially in front of someone else, to what they did, and they expect to be blamed and made to feel bad, even if that is not the aim of the exercise. The other is, if they feel divorce is the answer ( and if it is, one needs to clarify what is the question ) --- they fear that a mariage counsellor will insist on glueing the marriage together and forcing it to continue.
In fact, marriage counselling can be very valuable even when the couple in the end decide to divorce --- at least they can do so more peacefully, knowing more about whatever went wrong and how to avoid it in future, and more able to part with less hurt to each other, and able to share the raising of the kids without sharing any of the hurt or anger with the children.
Maybe she screams at you by phone when the children are no around to hear ? Maybe she'll be more cautious when they are in the house with both of you ? Can you try talking with her about why you still care about her, and love the children, and want to stop all this hurt and work out the best plan for all of you --- and explain why you think counselling would be useful
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