Posted by: Jody | 2011/02/11

Is divorce an option?

Hi all. First of all I have been on this site for quite some time and I hope that all of you are very well. I was contemplating for 2 months to send this meail to get advise esp from divorcees. Things are not good in my marriage at the moment. It has not been for a long time and I realised last night that it would never get better. I have changed to a better person as I fell on my knees in my marriage 2 years ago (spiritually and physically LOL). I have a son and I am not married to his father. He is 10 yrs old and he even told me that we must leave. I left twice already as my parents persuaded me to work things out( they are divorced) but I am so unhappy. I dont want to bad mouth him but things like, physical abuse, no communication, for 6 years he comes home from work and goes to the room puts on the TV and there he sits/sleeps. I cook/clean/work in the garden outside. We built on and then he persuades me that he will fix the house only to find 1 year later the tools are still lying there. I go to friends and I admire their beautiful homes as my home also has that potential but no cooperation. I cry, argue, plead but nothing. His parents call him for help and he goes. Leaves me alone all alone. I have to initiate sex all the time and sometimes he skells at me while he is inside me! I dont even hurt anymore. Among other things we cannot conceive. He has to stop smoking. he does not stop and blames it on me. He has a fertility problem and does not even talk about it. We dont communicate and when I try to talk he runs to the room, locks me out and stays there. I am crushed although very strong. I am 31 this year and if I may say so myself I am very attractive inside and out. Its not an easy decision for me to make but I spoke to my son last night and I told him that slowly but surely I am going to start some research. Him and my son have brotherly relationship instead of fatherly so you can imagine when things are tough how they argue and fight! I am no Angel, dont get me wrong, a story has 2 sides. I skell alot but based on the facts, dont I have have reson to? I cannot go back to my dad as they take the divorce very personal. I need to go on my own. Dont get me wrong he is a good son but not a good hubby.
I decided that this would be my first try. To get some advise from members of this forumt that has been through a divorce. I need your help please. Thank you!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

A persistently abusive partner is really very unlikely to change. Its harder to understand why you choose to remain with a guy like this.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Realist | 2011/02/12

Yes, its the ONLY option I am afraid. You have one life,no one is entitled to abuse/use another. Why put up with an excuse for a man like your partner.? While I do not agree discussing the situation with a 10 year old, he clearly sees the problem. What makes you think anything will change? Get going my girl, do not waste a moment, you owe it you and your son.

Reply to Realist
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/12

A persistently abusive partner is really very unlikely to change. Its harder to understand why you choose to remain with a guy like this.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Oh dear | 2011/02/11

SKELL means SHOUT!!!
Its Afrikaans

Reply to Oh dear
Posted by: Liza | 2011/02/11

In this instance it means to shout at somebody about something they did wrong or didn''t do at all...

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Yam | 2011/02/11

According to Wikipedia
Skell, as a stereotypical or archetypal designation, refers to a person who is homeless, vagrant or derelict. It is often used to connote such a person who is habitually engaged in small-time criminal activity, especially by one working as a con artist or panhandler.
But l still do not understand this with reference to the post - as in 1sometimes he skells at me when he is inside me - and 2 l skell alot?

Reply to Yam
Posted by: Theuns | 2011/02/11

Sorry to hear about your situation Jody. I fail to understand how someone can sleep with a married man, knowing that he has a family and the consequeses coudl be breaking up that family. Even if there are problems in a marriage that does not give one the right to cheat. Their are so many single guys out there but why go for a married man. Jody you are the only one that can make a decision in this regard. All the best and hope all goes well.

Reply to Theuns
Posted by: Liane | 2011/02/11

Think of your child, he is 10 already surely he deserves a happy home, you dont have much time left before his all grown up.. Take action and be happy...

Reply to Liane
Posted by: Gert | 2011/02/11

You should not be talking to your 10 year old about this problem it is too adult subject for his age.

Reply to Gert
Posted by: Yam | 2011/02/11

What is a skell?

Reply to Yam
Posted by: Susan | 2011/02/11

i am soo sorry to hear this, my hubby changed few months after our marriage, but because i couldn''t stand the shame of divorce or going back home. i decided to stay, take it easy with me, and not complains but pray, after some while he just come back from work and hug and kiss me. remeber by then he didn''t even have time for me for anything even sex. when he started chenging when i ask him about this whole change he just told me that this is the really (his name), and then he moved out of our memorial room to the other room. but hey through the prayers we now getting along, we lough together. just be patient. remember when two people get married they unite two fammilies and friends so when they divorce two families will suffer the consequences and also the friends won''t know what to do. just hang in there as long as there''s no physical abuse. take it easy, divorce is not a solution

Reply to Susan
Posted by: Survivor | 2011/02/11

Hey Jody, you ask and answer a lot of the questions yourself. Whatever decision you make, remember it is YOURS! Only you can decide which direction you want your life to be heading and you seem to have the support of your son so act in your and his best interest. If your husband want to live his life in the manner you describe and so selfishly, then let him. He has to do what makes him happy ... if he is not willing to try counselling with you to solve the situation to move forward happily with you, then you have to decide if you wanna live like this for another decade to come.
No-one gets into a marriage hoping it''ll end in divorce ... but to fight a good fight and constantly loose, you decide!
God bless you in your decision
Take care

Reply to Survivor
Posted by: Jody | 2011/02/11

Thank you " been there"  that is a " fear"  of mine. When I got preg at the age of 17 things were tough with me and my then bf. I feel contented with the fact that he cant give me kids naturally but things in the house are not good. Im blessed with a wonderful son and dont want another baby or me to go through such pain while I know that things are not right at home. All of the best to you!!!

Reply to Jody
Posted by: Pat | 2011/02/11

Sjoe, you know they say " home"  is where the heart is. If is not at home, his heart must be elsewhere.. How can he not appreciate a wife who even initiates sex... However, I have learnt that if you shout " skell"  at each other the other party stops listening and builds a mental barrier to communication.
Try a marriage counsellor before taking the final step to divorce..

Reply to Pat
Posted by: Been there | 2011/02/11

Hi Jody.

I got divorce last year, I have a beautiful son 15 months old, Also struggle conceive for 4 years, Never the less my than husband walk out on me,w hilst I was heavy pregnant with lifes greatest marical.

Ive learn that you either happily married, or you not_ there are no inbetween.

Im so happy right now, and so content with my life, with my son.

Good luck

Reply to Been there

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