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Posted by: GayGuy | 2004/10/03

Is being gay REALLY changeable?

Hi, you know I've been going through the forums all weekend, and as I accepted I am gay, there are still some very rude people questioning WHY are you gay, you are going against nature, read the bible, etc. For years, I have tried to change myself, I am gone out of my way, not one human being reading this post will now what I went though to change, and accepted recently who I am and what I am. I question myself alot, I try to "talk to myself" to reason why I am this way. I have the idea in my head that God hates me, I have people who hates me just for being gay. I am completely lonely and sometimes it gets to me, so badly it hurts. I hear you say change, BUT HOW. I wish I was "normal", where contact sport was my 1st in life, where I would do things "normal" guys do. I want a wife and children, that is what "life recommends" me doing. I want to look at a woman and go all weak in the knees... but instead, it's the opposite.

I can say alot in this post, but my main question is, why the hell am I this way, howcome am I made this way, and not from age 14 or 16, since I can remember I liked boys and then later on guys. It feels like I don't fit in anywhere. today I was told by a client complaining about porn books being on the middle shelf of the store, and he says "and look at this, it's guys advertising to get together with other guys!, I'll hire them and kill them...". the other incident was when I was busy on my terminal, and a mom, a dad and their 6 year old son was paying for their goods, they looked over at the magazines and saw a guy in his 20's, paging through the bridal magazines, immediatly the dad says, "kyk nou weer daardie fo##ken moffie" yeah says his kid, "die blerrie moffie maak hom dood"... and there I stood, wondering what they would say if I told them I was gay, if they would actually kill me if they knew.

How do you feel 'full' again while being sucked out by these kind of people, I don't walk up to them and tell them I will kill them because they're straight, or because they did that or dress this way or does all sorts of things..

you know it hurts. no one has the right to judge another person, he is nothing better and doesn't deserve any better.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I've never quite understood that "WHy are you Gay?" question, which is exactly like asking anyone else" Why are you Straight?" It's not as if sexual orientation is a choice offered to us as infants, on a menu, from which we can select. It's more what you are than what you choose to do about it. Which is why its not an easy thing to change. And its hard to reason yourself out of it, as you didn't reason yourself into it in the first place.
As it can be disadvantageous socially, to be gay, some folks do seem interested in trying to "change" towards straight ; and it appears to be sometimes possible, in psychotherapy, though this is very controversial and many shrinks don't think it a good idea and some of those who are enthusiastic about the idea seem rather weird in themselves, to me. I have never heard of a straight guy wanting to "change" and become gay, so whether movement in that direction is possible as a deliberate choice, we don't know.
What does seem more useful, is psychotherapy aimed at exploring these feelings ABOUT your own sexuality, to help you be accepting of yourself and who you are. It would be worth asking a local gay organization to recommend a gay-friendly therapist, that is, one who understands the situation and who won't bring his or her own bigorty into the room .
And as for going against nature, something that seems mighty like homosexuality is noticeable in many different animal species. But maybe they just haven't read the right books.
Also, remember that few people are 100 % gay, or 100 % straight, but somewhere on a continuum between those two extremes.
People who hate you just because you are gay, are bigots, as reprehensible as people who hate blacks for being black, or whites for being white. I can't see any good evidence that God hates you ; and from the disclosures in recent years of the doings of some priests and ministers, maybe the churches should be less ready to criticize and censure others on this point. And people like those troglodytes you quote, are hate merchants, and surely showing remarkable degrees of insecurity about their own sexuality. You're right, as they seethe with their grubby hatreds, they have no reason to fel superior to anyone, and many reasons to feel inferior to most.
Hatred is wrong, not love.



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Our users say:
Posted by: Ostracized | 2004/10/04

Listen, man, most guys don't actually have much against gay men. They might put on a show of "I don't like faggots!" but they're basically just keeping up an act. Few guys are _comfortable_ with homosexuals, per se, but it's a "live and let live" situation.
There's obviously other guys that hate gay people. But that's just life: there's not a person on this planet that everyone likes.
As for me, I really don't have anything against homosexuals. I'm straight (can't say that sports is _1st_ in my life, though... probably 3rd or 4th), but whatever you do is none of my business, so I see no point in harrassing you or being hostile -- or even uncomfortable around you. As long as you don't hit on me, that is ;)
Looks like you're just having trouble accepting yourself for who you are. It's difficult, I guess, accepting that you're different and always will be. But I don't see why you should be ashamed of something that's so intrinsic to you as a person... though I never got that whole 'gay pride' thing. You're gay; so what? It doesn't weigh on whether you're a decent, honourable, good person, so it doesn't matter.
That's just my opinion.
On the other hand, if you really do want to change, you could try some hypnosis. I don't know if that'd be ethical, because hypnotherapists only deal with alleviating bad habits, thought-processes and/or psychosomatic problems -- and is being gay really something bad? My dad's a hypnotherapist, though, so I know that it has helped people change. But I can't say whether it'd work for something like this.
Again: I don't know why you'd want to change this. The only good reason would be because you want to do it for yourself -- and it looks like you're just doing this for others. Would you be able to respect yourself if you just took the easy way out and changed for others? Can you respect yourself for running away from something just 'cause you're scared of it?
Your choice.

Reply to Ostracized
Posted by: lady | 2004/10/04

Hi, you sound really hurt and down. your quite right, no one has a right to judge another person, as long as their doing no wrong, and not hurting anyone. Believe me the only person you seem to be hurting at the moment is yourself, maybe you haven,t accepted (although you say you have) that you are gay. YOU are doing NOTHING wrong , the only thing you are doing is questioning yourself, as we all do. Seems to me and forgive if speaking out of turn that you lack self confidence and that you haven,t truely acceped the way you are. God doesn,t hate you. People are so cruel, say things without thinking. Yes the mom and dad in the store with their 6 year old son, but how would they react if he turned out gay? They would accept and love him for what he is, if they didnt, then they,re the ones in the wrong, not him. YOU are doing nothing wrong, if that is how you feel, be true to yourself, be what you are, if you didn,t, then you would be in the wrong
Society judges us all, what we wear, how we speak, where we live, what job we do.....etc. At the end of the day it has NO right to critise your sexuality and what is "normal" As long as your happy and not hurting anyone what you do in your private life is nobodies business but yours!!!!!!! I think you have alot of questions that need answering, and need to come to terms with how you feel, to me it sounds that you are so unsure of youself and not quite sure where you belong, maybe you could seek some sort of councilling to help you deal with coping.
Take Care of You
and remember the whole world IS,NT against you (although sure as hell feels like it some times! There r people who care)
Lady

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