Our expert says:
Sometimes after years of abuse, one developes defenses including reluctance to feel one's emotions, which may protect us from being hurt by others, but which also "protects" us from love and tenderness. It sounds as though you devoted yourself to doomed and impossible relationships, so as to avoid genuinely feeling and loving relationships and the challenges that would bring. YOur long message suggests you have great potential and insight to use in proper psychotherapy, preferably of the CBT format, to work through these issues and choose a better and more functional set of expectations, assujmptions and habits of thought.
And an excellent response from anon
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