Posted by: Inc | 2004/09/21

Interesting article: Cheating men...

Hi ... wanted to share this article with you readers about men and the reasons that they cheat... I don't know if women have the same reasons, but I doubt that they do.... anyway... here goes...

Why do men cheat?
It seems that for some men, one woman simply isn't enough even if they swear they love and need her. Three men explain what drives them to betray the woman they love.
"Women just throw themselves at me," says Sipho, 33, who's been married for eight years and has two little girls. He's on his third affair - but has no intentions of leaving his wife.
He explains how this one started. "Khwezi, my wife Mary's friend, looked so sad and lost. I desperately wanted to comfort her.
"'It's Bheki,' she sobbed. 'He's left me for another woman.' Her vulnerability really touched me. Mary had told me Khwezi wanted to have her house redecorated - to help clear away memories of Bheki, I suppose - so I offered to do it for her.
"'I'll paint away the memories,' I said.
"And that's all I planned to do. I certainly didn't mean to have an affair with her. But when I found her crying after a visit from her husband, she fell easily into my arms.
"'I'm so lonely, Sipho,' she whispered. She seemed so sweet, so terribly breakable and fragile. My heart melted. It made me feel strong and protective and within minutes I was caressing her hair.
"Then she let out no protest when my hand started wandering, slowly down her neck, then her back, then around her waist.
"I felt myself getting more and more aroused, and then I carried her upstairs. She was still crying, but I kept telling her everything would be fine.
"And it was. We made love, slowly and then very passionately. It was wonderful. She was so soft and feminine, it made me feel like a real man, and her a real woman.
"Now whenever I want Khwezi, I tell Mary I'm doing some odd jobs for her. Khwezi says she never meant our friendship to become sexual. I know she feels she's betraying her friend. But she needs me, whereas Mary is so capable, there are times when I feel redundant," says Sipho.
"The truth is, lonely women like Khwezi need a man like me and I can't resist them either. It's not serious just affectionate fun.
"I've had three affairs since I've been married, including the one with Khwezi. The first was with a shy woman at work who fancied me because I was the only one who paid her any attention. I felt sorry for her - and she was quite pretty in a demure, appealing way.
"The other was a plump widow who worked in the canteen," he says. "Women always throw themselves at me. I'm not good-looking, but I like women - and they can tell.
"I understand them, and that's rare for a man. I'm caring and kind and I know how to treat a lady. My friends are always asking: 'What's your secret?' It's simple. Women like to be listened to, flattered and made to feel they're the only person you see.
"Most men are too stupid to realise that.
"I still love Mary. What we have is special and I want it to last forever. It's just that I like sharing a bit of pleasure with other women now and again. But that's as far as it goes.
"I wouldn't dream of leaving my wife and children for someone else.
"If Mary's ever suspected me of cheating, she's been wise enough not to mention it. Once it's brought out in the open, she'll probably feel she has to do something about it - and I'm sure neither of us really wants that to happen," he says.

Serial cheaters
Sipho's story isn't unusual. Some men are just serial cheaters.
"I can't stay faithful to one woman," says Jabu, 42. He knows he'll never get married because he becomes bored and restless after only a few dates with the same woman.
He recounts a typical exploit: "As I sat on the bed, pulling off my Calvin Kleins, I could hardly control my excitement. 'I wonder what this one will be like?' I thought.
"I'd met Paulina only hours earlier at a club, and now we were about to have sex.
"I've slept with dozens of women, yet each time I go to bed with someone new, the excitement is electric. To me, you simply can't beat the anticipation of making love to a new woman.
"Paulina was 20 years younger than I - but, fortunately, she likes older, experienced men. We had a wonderful few nights together, but then she became clingy and possessive," says Jabu.
"One night at the club she kept staring at me, following my every move. Then she came up to me and asked, accusingly: 'Why did you spend so much time talking to that woman at the bar?' I just thought: 'Here we go again!'
"I tried explaining to her that I never meant us to be exclusive. 'We had a good time, didn't we?' I asked. She nodded. I added: 'But I never said I'd marry you.' Paulina didn't understand. 'So, are you dumping me?' she asked tearfully. I wasn't, but I wanted to see other women as well. Paulina couldn't take that, so she left," he says.
"Sometimes I think it's far better to lie because after a few dates with any woman, I get really frustrated and bored and want to move on.
"The morning after, I just wish they'd hurry up and leave. I know a lot of women find it odd that I've never really had what they'd call a 'proper' relationship. But I'm perfectly happy.
"I have the best of all possible worlds - my freedom and lots of sex. Women like me because I'm a challenge. They each think they'll be the one to get me to settle down - but they're missing the point.
"The reason I don't want to settle down isn't because there's anything wrong with the girl I'm seeing at the time it's just that I don't want to be owned lock, stock and barrel.
"I know I'd make a lousy husband - so why put some poor woman through that? To me, that's far more dishonest than the way I behave," says Jabu.
"I'm just a naturally loving person who enjoys spreading it around. Leopards like me don't change their spots. Besides, a lot of women like a man who's a bit of a bastard to them.
"Anyway, for as long as it lasts with me, they're guaranteed a good time. Any woman who gives herself up to my experienced hands knows she's in for a treat because I make sure I put all my knowledge of the female sex to good use!
"Everyone's different, though. I never treat two women the same. And finding out what a new woman wants me to do to her in bed is the biggest thrill of all for me. Nothing is ever off limits," says Jabu.

The need for sex
Some men, like Andile, admit they have a seemingly insatiable need for sex - regardless of who it's with.
"My need for sex drives me insane," he says. Andile assumed his playboy days were over when he got married, but he still can't control his urge for casual sex.
"It first happened to me two years ago at a conference out of town. I felt a familiar stirring in my body as I stood chatting to the young woman who organised our company's sales conference.
"The sunshine filtering into the room had made her dress slightly see-through, and sunlight always makes my hormones go crazy," he recalls.
"I'd only been married for a few months, but I desperately wanted to have sex with this woman, Dineo, right there and then. She'd seen me staring at her and she must have guessed what I was thinking, because she sauntered over.
"There are two types of women in my book the ones who will and the ones who won't. Dineo was clearly the ready and willing sort. I asked her if she felt like having coffee, though we both knew I meant something hotter and stronger. She smiled and agreed. She wanted me as much as I wanted her.
"Once we were alone together in my hotel room, my urge to have this woman blinded me to the consequences of my action.
"That's how sex is for me. I didn't think about my wife, Pearl, whom I love dearly. I didn't think at all. Sex just took over - and it was great. I only did it once with Dineo, but that was the start.
"My first infidelity came as a shock to me: I really thought marriage would change my ways," says Andile.
"Women hate men like me. I guess they simply can't understand our nature. Sex is a gut reaction - a hunger deep inside. If I'm presented with an opportunity, I simply can't control my impulses.
"Men like me are driven to sex in the same way some people can't stop eating chocolate - it's like being hooked on a drug. When I feel turned on by a woman, my whole perception alters and I act a bit crazy.
"Sex can be quite cold and clinical, but I'll still enjoy it. I don't have to be in love with the women I sleep with. In fact, I don't even have to like them!" he admits.
"A new woman in bed is novel - and that's her attraction. That's why I like to sleep with other women. I know women find that idea demoralising, but that's the way it is for me.
"And I'm sure most men feel the same way as me," adds Andile. "It's just that I'm honest enough to admit it, though not to Pearl.
"I'd hate it if she found out, as it would really hurt her and what would be the point in her knowing? I'd have to lie and say it will never happen again, when I know damn well it will - at least, I hope it will!
"Yes, I do feel guilty about it - but I like being married and having fun on the side. After all, nature made me the way I am ... it's my hormones that make me naturally promiscuous.
"It's not my fault I'm this way and I believe deep down, we men all are," says Andile.

The naked truth?
Dr Alan Riley, UK specialist in sexual medicine and editor of the British Journal of Sexual Health, says: "There's definitely a biological element involved in why some men feel the need to cheat.
"A man's sex drive is more acute than a woman's.
"The urgency he sometimes feels makes him more likely to accept sexual advances. It's true men are less monogamous than women because they can separate sex from a romantic situation more easily than women can.
A Johannesburg psychiatrist, who doesn't wish to be named, agrees. "There's no way any man can excuse his infidelities on the grounds that his sex drive is 'uncontrollable'.
"What's more likely is that men who compulsively seek new sexual partners are actually deeply insecure and feel a continual need for reassurance that their manhood is potent.
"Even marriage to a loving, stable partner isn't enough to make them feel whole and potent as men. It's more about low self-esteem than libido."

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Gosh, what purple prose ! These guys are so busy justifying their infidelity as an act of charity that I'm surprised they don't apply for tax-exemption as charities ! And they seem to feel they are being so therapeutic, you'd expect them to charge for their expert services, and to be accepted on medical Aid bills.
And Andile talks as if he really does have uncontrollable sex urges, rather than perfectly normal urges he can't be bothered to control, and presumably not much else to do with his life. I agree with the unnamed shrink ) and it wasn't me !). These are profoundly insecure guys, who constantly want to convince themselves that they're so manly and irresistable, that they ignore the selfishness and the prospect of later problems and pain for their partners. It's low self-esteem, not high ego.

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Our users say:
Posted by: wpp | 2004/09/22

Ja well no fine,
There are various reasons for this in my book. In my case my ex and I had sort of drifted apart over a long period of time. Then I met this doe eyed girl who totally bewitched me. Turns out she was a serial marraige breaker but that doesn't in any way detract from the fact that i was a willing participant. After my little fling i could not go back as i felt like a real turd so the wife and i seperated. At least I can say that our relationship is better now than before. i am in a new relationship now and work hard at not letting the situation develop where the two little boats start drifting apart. How? being sensitive to her needs, communicating and simply caring and showing it.

Reply to wpp
Posted by: Q | 2004/09/22

Not all men cheat, and remember for every man that cheat there is a willing woman. Sorry guys but my wife cheated on me and my perseption is just the other way around!

Reply to Q
Posted by: Inc | 2004/09/21

Sorry BC... didn't mean to discourage you... just wanted to shed some light on possible answers to why they do it... but like the doc says... there are still decent men around.

Reply to Inc
Posted by: BC | 2004/09/21

just discourage me eveything I read articles like this, seems like all men cheat...

Reply to BC

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