Posted by: mandy | 2004/11/09

intercourse before marriage....

Hi Doc!

I'm very confused and need some clarity. Hope you can shed some light! I'm 23 and lost my virginity a couple of days to my boyfriend! I come from a christian background where sex before marriage is considered a sin! I don't regret it...but i feel guilty because I have sinned! It wasn't an act of lust...but of love! My boyfriend has never forced me to do anything I didn't want to.

I don't know what to the Bible does not approve of it! Does is make a difference because i'm in a relationship and haven't had sex before?!

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Our expert says:
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Sin and redemption aren't my line of work, mandy. Check the recent postings for the recent excellent response in a message about gay issues, about misusing biblical textx too literally, and as a source of unhappiness, rather than of comfort and fruitful guidance. Many people, whether or not they are particularly religious, feel some qualms and doubts after their first sexual experience. I thought that the primary message within the christian bible was "GOd is Love", and that genuine love is a valued and honoured thing. Now, I don't think love has to be expressed sexually, but it can be, and an act which did so, is hardly as sinful as all the deliberately cruel and greedy things far more people do far more often, without regret opr guilt that maybe they need to feel.
Forgive yourself, and surely God will, too, and maybe concentrate on other ways to express your mutual love, until marriage ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: mandy | 2004/11/09

Thank you to all for your small issue! I had 2 or more people who love using the phrase.." you say you are a christian" ...i said I came from a christian background...but anyways... my question to you...don't you ever sin?! you might not be guilty of this...but I agree with what was said..sin is sin! big or small..I am aware of that....and I am not justifying what happened, but I am not abusing the gift that was given to us! both myself and my boyfriend done this out of love! I believe that the biggest mistake that us "christians" make is judging others by saying "if you were a true christian"...speak for yourself, because no one is free of sin!
I respect everyone's opinion... THANK YOU!!

Reply to mandy
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/11/09


Very superficial outlook - but enjoy yourself - you are clearly more interested in the physical part of it than the moral or religious issues.

Go for it girl.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: Mimi | 2004/11/09

Constitutional right is a light joke, hahahaha. Relax and enjoy life and not beat yourself up for every little sin. A sin is a sin: that is total bull. We have morals to distinguish between good and bad sins/things.

Did you enjoy the experience?

Reply to Mimi
Posted by: Thobekile | 2004/11/09

Dear Colleagues

As I am writing this message right now my eyes are filled with tears. I have a little sister whom I loved very much, but ever since she got pregnant last year and got a baby. Her boyfriend promised that he was going to marry her. My sister has changed totally. I am a 32 years old and she is 23. We fought the last time and she told my neighbours how jeolous I am for her because I dont have a boyfriend and she is going to get married and I am barren. I used to buy her clothes and I took her to school, but look what she is doing to me now.

When I want to go home I feel like killing myself because I dont want to see her. She has thought her boyfriend to look down at us when he comes in and finds us he just goes straight to her bedroom and then come out.

My parents are sick and tied of this because he has no respect for them as well as the whole family.

I know I can sound very jeolous but I always pray unto the lord that he must reply my prayers because this is going very far. She took everything that I bought for her and gave the clothes to the Umkhozi's she said she does not care anymore.

Please advise I am a very soft spoken and kind person and dont know how to handle this.

My heart is so heartbroken.

Reply to Thobekile
Posted by: Christian reader | 2004/11/09

GIRL im not judging you but that is so dissapointing that you couldnt keep yourself for the one you love (husband) who knows where this will lead you.
coudl break up with him , find another continue having sex and totally falling away from Jesus :( sad sad esp you say you are a chirstian if you wernt then well ther eis nothing stopping you as non christians do whatever they want anyways but someone who believes in Jesus and still sins thats very very different.

MAKES NO difference here you sinned and now you need to repent before its to late and you no longer follow him...

If your boyfreind really loves you then he will understand its wrong and that the two of you need to stop .

Reply to Christian reader
Posted by: ALSO A CHRISTIAN | 2004/11/09

Lady nina had it correct---GOD is not there to condemn you at all. HE cares and loves all of us. It is true that sex is meant for marriage, but you know what??? Jesus HIMSELF said that he who has no sin, must cast the 1st stone.

Dont let this get you down at all. To you it was a great experience. You done it in love, not lust. no one on this forum must even think of judging you. The WORD also teaches us that GOD in HIS wisdom is the only judge and the beauty is that HE loves us all, IRRESPECTIVE

Posted by: Kernel | 2004/11/09

To Mimi

There are no such thing as a good sin - you mentioned it was not a bad sin. A sin is a sin and we all will be judged accordingly. Another thing - constitution rights have nothing to do with the Bible and varies from country to country.

We as people try to justify ourselves by making out that certain sins are less important - unfortunately it is not so! We are all sinners but the most important thing is to acknowledge it and ask for forgiveness - not to wipe it under the carpet as a lesser sin. Anyway, that is what a real christian should do.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: Mimi | 2004/11/09

the keyword in your statement is ASSUME, do not assume get the facts right.
My point is every sexually active person should make sure that they know their HIV status and that of the other person inorder to stop the spread of the HIV virus. They should not assume that the other person is clean because they look clean. HIV is a reality and we all have to keep that in mind and install that in our relationships and families. People get infected in other forms as well and not only through sex.

Make sure that you practise safe sex inorder to enjoy it for many more years to come.

Reply to Mimi
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/11/09

To Funk - everyone in a sexual relationship should get tested for HIV - the probability might be good that the bf was "clean", but who knows for sure? Do you know for sure the guy involved has never been in a sexual relationship? And if he has only been in one, do you know whether the woman he had sex with wasn't infected?
Better to be safe than sorry afterwards.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: From a christian | 2004/11/09

Hey there...
Well it was wrong of you as it does say so in the all depends on you now honey as you say you are a chirstian..but are you really?
If you are truley a christain you need to ask God to forgive you and change your ways to follow him not your lustful desires... otherwise you have fallen into sin and that displeases GOD.

Now there are going to be people out the that will say that there is nothing wrong with this but they arent christians now ...

I hope you make the right desicion and also remember that even though you have done this you can still be forgiven and continue to walk in GOD and his ways and to let your boyfreind know that is was a mistake and start thinking of where you see your relationship you see yourselves getting marreid ect if so then i would advise you get engaged soon as you are going to be tempted agian..once you haved tasted the sweetness its not easy to go back . Ifs unfortunate the way the world makes sex such an exceptable thing thats why they are teenagers pregnant, and AIDS spreadying hectically bec people are doing what they want and not waht Gods desires of us....

To wait until we ARE married...
God bless

Reply to From a christian
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/11/09

hi there

oh i know exactly the feeling - on the one side it's all exciting and the other side the guilt
my guilt make me marry this guy - big mistake
and i suffered for a long time because of it

yes, today i belief sex belongs in marriage but what is best ...
sex in a marriage where there is no love respect and trust and were it's a obligation or sex outside of marriage but something that was thought thru well in advance , where both parties are committed and loyal...

one day i heard a good saying
"we have one view but God has many viewing points "

allow his Spirit to lead to, he never condems but pull you with his love, he is not depriving you from something wonderful but want to protect you from pain and hurt that can result from having sex without the emotional security

God is not about a set of rules and the fear that goes with it, He is about a relasionship where you know He has your best interest at heart and the rules he has set out is not about punishment and guilt but about making you feel save and secure and loved

i think you should review your relasionship with God, its dangerous to apply the rules without know the heart of the person who made the rules

once you have a good relasionship with him you would want to do the right thing becuase it pleases him and protect you and that give you pleasure - to please the one who cares, loves and protects you


Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/11/09

Mandy, don't berate yourself about it, if you know in your heart it was love and not lust, I don't think there is anything wrong with it. I also wanted to be a virgin until I met that special guy, I don't even recall how I lost mine, just know it wasn't by choice, so if this was your choice, enjoy it and pray about it so that you can get peace within yourself. As Mimi said's it is only God that can judge you, nobody on this earth has not sinned and I believe that Jesus died for our sins, so let him forgive you and forgive yourself.
Good luck and hope you and your guy will stay together always.
Take Care.

Reply to Beyond Tired
Posted by: Funk | 2004/11/09

Mimi, you make reasonable sense until the end of your posting. What must she get tested for? SHe has been with this guy for a while and it appears as if they love each other very much. The chances are good that he hasn't been messing around.

So what must Mandy get tested for? f her bf is clean, which I assume he is, can she pick up some sort of infection just by having sex? Me thinks not. And she sounds like a reasonable girl too so I am sure she took the necessary precautions.

Can you clarify you comment..."get tested", please?

Reply to Funk
Posted by: Mimi | 2004/11/09

How was it? As long as you feel good about it. Don't let other people's beliefs and principles ruin your moment. I know people in those churches that force their children to have abortions because they can't stand the disgrace. Remember no one can judge you but God. We all sin and yours is not a bad sin at all. It is your constitutional right. Enjoy it

Sex is wonderful thing.
I lost my virginity more than 10 years ago. I don't regret having sex before. Sometimes I wished I had saved myself for my current lover coz he is the best person I know and a great love maker and I love him very much. He is so special I wish I had met him earlier.

Remember to practise safe sex. Use a condom, get tested.

Reply to Mimi

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