Posted by: Faith | 2005/07/10

Intense fear - triggering a relapse

I was out with my twin sister last night and I bumped into an old friend (personal trainer). He told me that my sister had blown up and was looking fat. Not only was I shocked to hear someone say the words but I became the victim in my mind and felt that my biggest fear had come to life - being judged for gaining weight.

My sister has been struggling with her weight and she knows she has gained a considerable amount. I know it is twisted but I feel like I should compensate for her gaining weight by losing weight! I have a history of anorexia and when this comment was made everything surrounding my eating disorder came creeping back! I am confused. I do not know what I fear more - a relapse or gaining weight!

I am angry and hurt! My eating disorder had much more to do with wanting to lose weight. It was my source of power, control and perfection. The comment directed at my sister was a powerful trigger and I feel as if I am heading towards a relapse. I was not treated for my eating disorder - it was a private struggle tht I managed to overcome.

On the way home I stopped to buy a packet of cigarettes (I recently quit smoking). I am now disappointed that ONE addication had surfaced again and now I fear a relapse of my other addiction - starvation.

PLEASE PLEASE help me doc! I do not want to play victim here but I am overwhelmed with emotions. The thought of eating makes me feel ill as eating is what caused the comment directed at my sister!

My emotions are causing me to be irrational - my sister has gained the weight but I feel like I need to lose it for her!! Help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello Faith,
Don't let your faith be shaken by the ignorant words of a vain and self-serving "personal Trainer", one of the very emptiest of professions around. If they can't persuade people to look awful about their shape and appearance, they'd be out of business ! Avoid this creep in future.
You recognize that it makes no sense to try to lose weight to compensate for your sister's gains, and beware of sliding back into the eating disorder trap --- maybe it'd be a good idea to see a shrink / therapist to be sure you stabilize right now. This is not a job to try to do entuirely on your own. You need expert help to recognizse that you at any NORMAL weight IS perfection, and that you can exercise excellent control by achiving and holding to that --- THAT will be the sort of power worth having and keeping !

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