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Question
Posted by: Green eyed monster | 2004/10/04

Insecurity eating me up....

Greetings Doc and readers
Just need some advice....
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 and a half years. Lately I have noticed that I get extremly jealous if he looks at a model in a bikini in a magazine on tv etc. I keep thinking that that is what he wants and that I am not good enough etc, I actually start detesting the women he is admiring. When he does admire these women I start picking fights. How do I work around this so that I am not so jealous and insecure?
Do you know of any self help books I can try before I attempt counselling?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

First, Check the archives, and find how often we hear exactly this question --- that's how common it is for someone's personal insecurity and low self-esteem to lead them towards spoiling a fine loving relationship, through excessive and unnecessary jealousy. Men like to look at other women, not because the woman with them isn't good enough --- they like to look at other cars, even if they're driving the best car available. And sometimes they're looking because the other women looks nasty in some way, not only out of admiration or delight !
Why not start with the counselling, first, and your counsellor may well be able to recommend some books specially suited to you. And I am planning to build a book review section here, with those I find I can specially recommend, and links to enable you to buy them easily online.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/10/04

Hi GEM,

Though I'm sure you're not. I'm sure there must be books around that could help here, & as you most probably have the internet I would suggest that you try doing a search on google.com.
It is always said that men are like dogs. This said I'm sure you know that dogs are quite fond of chasing cars. But have you ever thought of what that dog would do if it caught the car??? Nothing!!!
Those models that he looks at are on tv & in books, is there any chance of him actually meeting them, or for that matter strike up a relationship with one of them?
Has he given you any other reason to doubt him lately? Does he make you feel less of a woman when he looks at those models? If that is the case then I would suggest that you bring it up with him. Kinda subtly ask him does he think she looks nice & if so, what is it about her that he thinks looks nice? It is generally said that men are basically stimulated visually.
What I'm saying is that as a man there would be something wrong with him if he didn't look at pics of women in bikinis, where you would have to worry is when he starts fantasising about them, or actually compare you to them.
When he looks at them, ask what he thinks of them, & also give your opinion of what you think of them... Like that bikini doesn't fit her too well, or she has stretch marks, or that pic was air-brushed. Besides him being pleased that he can discuss them with you without you being offended, maybe he won't be tempted to sneak around & do it.
And also, talk to him about how this affects you, you might just be very surprised at his response, & your relationship may even become stronger as a result.

Hope this helps...

Regards,
Shaun

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