Our expert says:
People prefer masturbation to partner sex for a variety of reasons. Your wife may be angry with you about non-sexual (or sexual) things, and unwilling to tell you directly. She may mistrust you or fear sex with you. She may have sexual fantasies or desires that she's ashamed to admit to you, but which she can enjoy by herself.
It's possible that she simply doesn't like the way you make love together.She may not like the way you kiss or touch, or the way your bodies fit together, or the way your body smells, looks, or tastes. To dig a little deeper, her emotional development may not allow her to bond with an adult man within the challenges of mutual eroticism.
But this is probably not the question that interests you most. I think what you really want to know is, "How do I increase her sexual interest in me?"
When you are masturbating and you're getting aroused, are you in the same room? Are you close enough to touch? Do you do it in the bathroom or shower behind a closed door? Each of these would indicate a different level
of intimacy and comfort with sexuality.
There may be a workable compromise here. You can both enjoy cuddling or you stroking yourself while she masturbates. If these ideas don't work, you might want to pay less attention to masturbation so you don't get too
Many people assume that a man in this situation should be encouraged or required to masturbate less, figuring that his desire will then turn toward the available outlet, his partner. I have not found this to be the case.
Sexual desire isn't the same as hunger for food, in which people deprived of say, chicken, turn to beef rather than starve. Your desire for sex with yourself is probably not interchangeable with desire for her.
It's essential that you have a serious, straightforward conversation with her about this situation, without yelling or blaming. Let her know that your frustration will destroy the relationship sooner or later, regardless of how much you love each other. Since you're interested in finding a workable solution with or without professional help, give her the choice. If she agrees to contact someone, that's great, but don't find or call a therapist for her. When she's scared or worried enough to pursue change seriously, she'll be motivated to do it on her own.
Contact SA Sexual Health Association (0860 100 262) for telephonic counselling
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