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Question
Posted by: WhoamI | 2003/02/17

Infatuated with same sex person

I always get infatuated with people who are also female. Normally people who care about me or take special interest in me - or I don't know what triggers it. It's not sexual. I would be grossed out by the suggestion of touching the person or kissing, etc. But my thoughts and actions are dominated by the person. I will even go out of my way to be in the same place as them, etc.
I've had one or two crushes on guys - where I wanted to kiss them, be close, etc. But the infatuation thing with girl-people are NOT the same. It disrupts my day and keeps me awake at night - because I work on conversations with the person in my head. HOW CAN I STOP BEING OBSESSED?? Please help. I always get very hurt with these obsessions - with every perceived rejection, etc. Is this a type of not-sexual lesbianism or something??? Thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Whoami, I understand what you mean, but I'm not sure what non-sexual lesbianism would be. You don't mention your age, but these sound very like the sort of crushes boys and girls start having in adolescence, and which may continue into the twenties. They can be sexual, and involve sexual faniasties, or can be perfectly platonic ; and can be aimed at same-sex or opposite-sex persons.
The non-sexual crushes can be a combination of feelings --- maybe, for instance, if you feel generally uncared for, and lacking in anyone taking a special interest in you, they may include a combinaton of strong feelings of gratitude and affection towards thos that do supply what you're wanting in these regards. The tragets of a crush may also be role-models, people you admire for being what you might fear you won't manage to be --- confident, sucessful, good at whatever work you are both involved in.
However, its well worth working through these issues in counselling, for various reasons. As you say, once you elevate someone to such a position of high esteem and high importance to you, it becomes far too easy to feel hurt by imagined rejection wen they even treat you normally. So they can, if left unaided, become a source for serial hurt, rather than eliable comfort. Once one has got things into better perspective, you can use the experiences as a basis for improving yourself, without handing over so very much power over you, to someone else.

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