Our expert says:
Sex with two women is, of course, an extremely common fantasy of heterosexual men. And although many people do actually try this once or twice in their lives, very few make it a long-term arrangement. There's gotta be a reason, and it's simple: it's too damn complicated. Every human triangle is complicated, from 2 spouses and a mother-in-law, to 2 parents and a baby, to two bosses and a shared secretary, to 2 mates and a couples therapist, to three people making love.
This complexity is reflected in the questions you and your mate (and your potential partners/ his best friends, etc.) need to discuss before trying it:
* Why does each person want to do this?
* How much of your desires involve pleasure, how much fantasy, and how much emotional connection?
* Has the couple been through other intense experiences (positive or negative) that can help predict how you'll respond to this one?
* What's the current state of the relationship? Has it been changing lately? People sometimes look to a threesome (or a baby or a vacation) to compensate for other dissatisfactions they'd rather not address.
* Is the sexual relationship in need of changes that people either aren't discussing, or aren't able to accomplish?
* How do you plan to choose the second woman/ man?
* Do all people have the emotional skills to stay in touch with their own feelings and with each other regardless of what happens? Can all three/ four be trusted to speak up clearly if they want to shape the interaction?
* Can all three people tolerate the memory of an unpleasant experience, if it should occur, without blaming each other or feeling distracted by it during subsequent sex?
Note that such questions draw on more than "communication skills," although of course that's a prerequisite. People also need to know what to communicate about, when to do so, and how to make good decisions based on what they hear.
Only after you've discussed these structural questions should you go on to more specific questions: are any activities out of bounds for any of you? Is there a time limit on the event? What, if any, contraception or safe sex precautions will you take? Will there be drinking (I'd advise against it)? Will the third person spend the night? What about confidentiality, how much is each of you free to discuss what happens with others?
All this assumes you're going to talk with a would-be third before proceeding. That means you won't do this by going to a bar, buying someone a drink, and inviting her to bed. Some people want the threesome to be "spontaneous," but that's just asking for trouble.
Finally, make sure you address the possibility that you'll all enjoy it. Participating in a threesome shouldn't obligate you to do further ones.
Either walk away from it, and if the suggestion ever come up again, amke it quite clear that you are not interested, or tell your partner, and discuss the issues.
By the way, if you want to experiment with sex with a woman, doing it in a threesome may or not be better or easier than doing it just the two of you. Ditto for your mate and another woman. If a threesome is a subtle way of opening the relationship, you two would be better off discussing that directly.
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