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Posted by: susan | 2002/12/09

indecent proposal

i'm not sure if this is the right forum but anyway hopefully someone can help. a few days ago i went out with my boyfriend and his best friend and his girlfriend. anyway at one point while my bf was getting us some drinks the other 2 asked me if i would like to join them in a threesome. i said no and thought that was the end of it. but ever since then they have both been phoning me trying to convince me to join them. yesterday we saw them again and the girl tried to kiss me and when i pushed her away she made it seem like there was something wrong with me and my bf got angry with me for treating her badly thinking i shoved her for no reason.

i don't know what to do i can't tell my boyfriend because i don't want to damage the relationship he has with his best friend but i can't stop them from bugging me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Sex with two women is, of course, an extremely common fantasy of heterosexual men. And although many people do actually try this once or twice in their lives, very few make it a long-term arrangement. There's gotta be a reason, and it's simple: it's too damn complicated. Every human triangle is complicated, from 2 spouses and a mother-in-law, to 2 parents and a baby, to two bosses and a shared secretary, to 2 mates and a couples therapist, to three people making love.

This complexity is reflected in the questions you and your mate (and your potential partners/ his best friends, etc.) need to discuss before trying it:

* Why does each person want to do this?

* How much of your desires involve pleasure, how much fantasy, and how much emotional connection?

* Has the couple been through other intense experiences (positive or negative) that can help predict how you'll respond to this one?

* What's the current state of the relationship? Has it been changing lately? People sometimes look to a threesome (or a baby or a vacation) to compensate for other dissatisfactions they'd rather not address.

* Is the sexual relationship in need of changes that people either aren't discussing, or aren't able to accomplish?

* How do you plan to choose the second woman/ man?

* Do all people have the emotional skills to stay in touch with their own feelings and with each other regardless of what happens? Can all three/ four be trusted to speak up clearly if they want to shape the interaction?

* Can all three people tolerate the memory of an unpleasant experience, if it should occur, without blaming each other or feeling distracted by it during subsequent sex?

Note that such questions draw on more than "communication skills," although of course that's a prerequisite. People also need to know what to communicate about, when to do so, and how to make good decisions based on what they hear.

Only after you've discussed these structural questions should you go on to more specific questions: are any activities out of bounds for any of you? Is there a time limit on the event? What, if any, contraception or safe sex precautions will you take? Will there be drinking (I'd advise against it)? Will the third person spend the night? What about confidentiality, how much is each of you free to discuss what happens with others?

All this assumes you're going to talk with a would-be third before proceeding. That means you won't do this by going to a bar, buying someone a drink, and inviting her to bed. Some people want the threesome to be "spontaneous," but that's just asking for trouble.

Finally, make sure you address the possibility that you'll all enjoy it. Participating in a threesome shouldn't obligate you to do further ones.

Either walk away from it, and if the suggestion ever come up again, amke it quite clear that you are not interested, or tell your partner, and discuss the issues.

Dr Mac

By the way, if you want to experiment with sex with a woman, doing it in a threesome may or not be better or easier than doing it just the two of you. Ditto for your mate and another woman. If a threesome is a subtle way of opening the relationship, you two would be better off discussing that directly.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: spy II | 2002/12/10

Hi Susan!

I don't understand why you apologise for "posting in the wrong place". Did I say something about that?

I don't think the question of him choosing between the two of you is a problem: if he loves you and his pal persists in his conduct, the end of the friendship should follow almost automatically.

The proper way to go about this may be to tell the pal that you're going to tell your bf what he has been up to. The consequences (if that should happen) for him should be sufficient to scare him off. Among men it is unacceptable to hit on a friend's woman - one of those things that are simply not done. That unwritten rule goes back thousands of years to the times when men hunted together and it was essential for their survival that they should be able to trust the rest of the pack with their lives. It has stuck in our genes and remains one of the rules by which men live.

Reply to spy II
Posted by: susan | 2002/12/10

spy: thanx for your advice. i am definitely not into this kind of thing. i love my bf very much and we've been together for 4 yrs now and i dont want this to destroy things. i guess i'm just scared he might feel pressured to choose between me and his best friend. but as you say if he really loves me he will choose me.

sorry for posting in the wrong place but i was hoping people with similar experiences could help.

Reply to susan
Posted by: spy II | 2002/12/10

Sorry Susan, it has now become clear that you are not that other person. If you were, my advice would have been to stop posting hoaxes. Would you mind just telling me in which of the four corners of the country you are?

As far as your problem is concerned, I think it depends on many things. For a start, how serious is your relationship with your bf. If it is a long term one, you will obviously have to do something about the situation. Secondly, what kind of a person is your bf. and what kind are you? If there's a chance that the two of you might be interested in having a foursome, you could start feeling him out as it were. It seems though that they are interested in you only and not in your bf. and that you are not too keen on the idea. Also that she may be somewhat bisexual which does not seem to be your scene. If the latter two suppositions are right and you want to keep your bf out of it, you might very carefully suggest to him that you have the feeling that she is interested in you in a way that you don't like and that you find her company uncomfortable. If he doesn't believe you, you could perhaps arrange a situation in which he can eavesdrop on the two of you when she thinks that you are alone.

I was involved in a somewhat similar situation once & I know that its a tough one to handle, but this site is not the place to discuss that. What is for sure is that you will need that loyalty and trust of your bf to get out of it, which you will in any event need if your relationship is to become a permanent one.

I wish you luck!

Reply to spy II
Posted by: Lucky | 2002/12/10

Dear Susan I was in the same situation, & I am not for it. I told my boyfriend that if he loves me enough then he would'nt expect that from me. Good luck

Reply to Lucky
Posted by: susan | 2002/12/10

thanx everyone for your advice. i'm still a bit unsure how to tell my bf but i think you are all right. i have to tell him before it gets out of hand. but its really going to kill him that his best friend would do something like this!

to spy: i haven't posted on this site before, but i'd like to hear your advice anyway if its doifferent to what everyone else is saying. thanx.

Reply to susan
Posted by: da Mann | 2002/12/09

He is NOT your b/fr's best friend. Full Stop. If he was, he would have showed you some respect. So, your b/fr should do the right thing, and look for a new friend. FRIEND!!!

Reply to da Mann
Posted by: Sexpot | 2002/12/09

Hi there Susan. You did the right thing because sex is a very personal thing + others must respect your views + feelings. If they don't then they are not really your friends. If they are into threesomes then thats ok for them but if they cannot respect your views then the're not worth having as friends. Be open + explain this to your bf too. If he really loves you he must respect your feelings. Don't feel alone - I really love sex + am a highly sexual person but ONLY with my hubby. I could never really let myself go with another man, so I can understand how you feel. Don't give up your morals or standards. Regards.

Reply to Sexpot
Posted by: spy II | 2002/12/09

Susan I think I may have the answer - if you are the one who also made postings on this site under the names Angel, Shygirl and several others, I may be able to tell what your problem is.

Reply to spy II
Posted by: Jock | 2002/12/09

Vetrix has said it all - short & sweet !!

Reply to Jock
Posted by: JANE | 2002/12/09

YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OFF YOURSELF. YOUR MORAL STANDARDS AND VALUESMEAN SOMETHING! AND THAT NO MATTER HOW TOUGH THE SURCOMSTANCES IS, YOU KEPT WITH IT. IF YOUR BOYFRIEND REALLY LOVES YOU, HE WOULD NOT ONLY UNDERSTAND BUT RESPECT YOUR DECISION.

Reply to JANE
Posted by: Wobin Hood | 2002/12/09

Vetrix said it - tell bf and don't mix with people who try to force you into something.

Reply to Wobin Hood
Posted by: Vetrix | 2002/12/09

Well, that is an indecent proposal, you should tell your b/f, he is the only one that can tell them to shove off and forget about it.
What kind of friends do something like that, tell your b/f he will or should support you and forget about those so called friends.

Reply to Vetrix

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