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Question
Posted by: torn | 2005/01/13

In love with two men

Hi
I am 33 yrs old, I have been married for over 10 years. We have 3 beautiful children. My husband is a wonderful man and is madly in love with me. I have the "perfect" life. A couple of years ago I met a man quite a bit older than myself and we started up a friendship. We share an intimate understanding of each other and there is an undeniable energy between the 2 of us. This relationship provides me with what I believe is missing in my marriage; a sharing of intellect, creative energy and an understanding of real sexuality. We resisted the tempatation of allowing this friendship to escalate for as long as we could and gave into our passion last year. This is the first and only time I have been unfaithful to my husband. For the last 6 months we have refrained from any physicality in our relationship. The issue I need advice on is this: We love each other on a very deep, spiritual level and are conflicted with how to keep this relationsip platonic when the force pulling us together is so strong. I have the perfect family, but this other man is my soul mate and I yearn for him at my core. This is not a sordid, sexual diversion, it is true. I see this man every day in my work environment and we are able to divorce the one side of our relationship from the other effectively. I love two men in very different ways but I am torn and feel anxious.

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Our expert says:
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Isn't it more fruitful to add to your excellent marriage such extra elements, rather than to cheat on a decent and loving man ? And one can share intellectual interests with many others, without any sexual content at all. You're talking about lust tugging between you --- it isn't any "spiritual" element that makes it hard to be platonic. And I don'tbelieve in "soul mates", a term I think that was invented by romance novelists, and too often used as an excuse for infidelity. Soul mateship, if it exists, is not about sex. And as G says, would you be content if your husband were to reveal to you that he was in the exactly analogous situation ? Giving special privileges o lust, and calling it sould-mateship, calling lust "spiritual" doesn't alter its nature at all. You are eagerly fooling yourself, and it's quite likely that he is similarly fooling you.

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Our users say:
Posted by: been there | 2005/01/13

I have been in your situation and I am frankly quite surprised by the number of JUDGES that have responded to your message. I am in my 30s married with 2 kids. I got to a stage when I realised that my entire life has been revolved around my husband and bringing up my children, for whom I thank God every day and I had forgotten about myself. At this time I felt very lonely and lost; who was I and when do I get the attention I need. My husband is fantastic and loves me a lot, but he began to take me for granted. Maybe your "perfect life" s not so perfect and having been tempted in the way you are now I understand and can offer you this advice. Make 2005 a year about you and encourage those who love you (your husband in particular) to value you and show that love. There is obviously something missing in your marriage and often noone is to blame (unlike what many of your respondents think) there are always causes just as there are consequences.

Reply to been there
Posted by: Friend | 2005/01/13

Is the other guy married as well? Went through exactly the same thing. I had a full blown affair with an older man whilst we were both married to other people and each had two kids. At the time I knew that it was wrong and felt guilty, but not enough to stop seeing him. After nearly two years, I decided that if I wasn't good enough for him to leave his wife for, it was over. I realised that I valued myself more than that. I would have got divorced (we discussed both of us leaving our spouses to be together) to be with him. I still miss him although haven't seen him for three years and go out of my way to avoid him - don't go places where I think he may be etc. He still sends me sms's at Christmas etc. and there's a bond between us that will never be broken. I think that we both love each other deeply but I am not going to be used. I know that he'd have me back in an instant but I am not going to do that to myself, let alone his wife. It's a very difficult situation to be in and you are alone in it - you can't cry about him in front of your family etc. - been there, done that! If you want to talk about it, post an email address or no on the site - you need to talk to someone about it. I would say that you need to give him an ultimatum if he is married and if you are truly prepared to leave your husband for him. Don't allow yourself to be his when it suits him, his "toy". Value yourself more than that and make and stick to your decision. I truly feel for you and don't envy you being in this situation. All the best of luck.

Reply to Friend
Posted by: Q | 2005/01/13

This could have been my storie and my wife did the same and then we got devorced and she had him to her self and not even a month later this deep spiritual man that was her all and that new her and provided what was missing whent back to his wife and dropped her in to hell and now there is nothing left of that!! This guy my girl is ussing you my wife said the exsact same words and felt exsactly the same and she was left with only splinters, then I was good enough again and she whanted me back and thanks to God above he gave us something new and he is the senter of our beeing but you see no matter how much I said no no matter what was said and advise she followed her own mind and got burned bad. You need to make the desision to go rather than stay you do not deserve your husband and most probably he is one of those steady good guy next door tipes that does not excite you to the point of death it self, but you know what you are playing with death rather go and take this guy and see how long it will last when its now more fun when the adrenaline is gone, you my love but he is playing you like a fidle shame your fall will be hard and your pain wil be sharp my God have murcey on you because this will shatter all you have, had and will ever be!!! Good luck!!!

Reply to Q
Posted by: Sue | 2005/01/13

You are a SICK woman!!

To allow this to happen - start acting your age here and make the choice to stay with your husband, this other guy may give you those other feelings ect but HELLS SAKE here you are married with 3 children - do you only care about your poor self or what???

Reply to Sue
Posted by: Come on!!! | 2005/01/13

You are acting like a spoilt little teenager her!!!

YOU ARE MARRIED HERE WITH A LOVING HUSBAND _ HOW DARE OU LOOK IN OTHER AREAS AND HAVE AN AFFIAR!!!!!!

NOT TO MENTION YOU ARE BEING SELFISH TO YOUR CHILDREN _ ITS SHAMEFUL.

If you loved your children and husband as you say you do then give this childish LUST up and go for consiling and start being the wife and mother you choose to be.

Just because life isnt always fulfilling and easy it doesnt mean you can go around playing with peoples and childrens happiness....


I HOPE YOU MAKE THE CHOICE TO GIVE THIS TOYBOY MAN up as you are going to end up alone and unfulfilled with children that wil HATE you!

Reply to Come on!!!
Posted by: G | 2005/01/13

Amazing how people make tings fit into the pattern they want lust is lust call it under any name you want that Desiree the passion of course it sparks up your life you have been married for a long time same man same act it all goes the same route , and then swath smooth charming sexually active in the mental frame makes you feel good about yourself and you have a perfect life how would you feel if the she where on the other foot ? how would you react if your husband did what you are doing try the same attitude with your hubby seduce him wake him up not the other man you will loose all he will be devastated and are you prepared for that ? the destruction of your family it will crumble decay and with time your family as you know it will be nothing

Reply to G
Posted by: ABC | 2005/01/13

All I can say is that I am glad I am not in your shoes.
You are privilged in one way - by having these two amazing people in your life - and cursed that you can only intimately (sexually) love one of them.

Is it not possible? Must you have sex with your soul mate? If that wasn't a factor, then this wouldn't be a problem, I suppose.

Maybe just decide who you want to have sex with more, and then go for it, because you're going to end up hurting your maazing husband if you dont reconcile this in your heart - and soon.

Reply to ABC

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