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Question
Posted by: confused | 2007/05/11

In Love with someone close to me

Hi, I am 24 year old male and am slowly admitting to myself I am gay or should I say bi. I have had a lovely girlfirend for 6 years and we are very happy together and even want to get married. My only problem is I am in love with another guy. He is 18 years old and I think he might be gay/bi too cause we are very close. I am to scared to come out to him and I think he is to scared to come out to me. The thing that is making me scared (and most probably him scared) is that this guy is her (my girlfirends) BROTHER!

I dont know what to do? I dont know what I will do if something happens between me and the brother... I am so confused!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Confused, welcome to the forum and thanks for this post.

You're in love with someone other than your girlfriend. This is an issue irrespective of whether this someone is male or female.

A second issue is that you're discovering that you're attracted to men. How do you anticipate being in a straight relationship and managing your attraction to men?

A third issue that the someone is your girlfriend's brother, your brother-in-law to be. And he's only 18.

There are several layers here and it seems that unless you take a real hard look at reality this is a recipe for disaster.

You present yourself as an innocent participant without any ability to make decisions. Absolute nonsense; instead of saying "I don’t know what I will do if something happens between me and the brother... I am so confused!" you must know that something will only happen if you allow it to.

Assume some responsibility for your situation and even if you don't respect yourself, start respecting others who could possibly be hurt through your so-called confusion. Whatever you do don't get married until you're more sure of who you are as a person.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Deeve | 2007/05/15

Confused,
You can't have a 'relationship' with a Guy if you are with your girlfriend......? You need to see a Gay or Gay friendly Therapist soonest, and discuss your scenario. As you mention, the feelings for Guys just NEVER goes away. I'm in my mid forties now, divorced, and have a wonderfull boyfriend of six years, and a VERY lonely Ex Wife who I left after fighting 'life' for nearly 16 years! Please don't let your girlfriend or your families ideas on Gays influence you. This is YOUR life, and giving up your happiness to suit the rest of the world will only come back and bite you. I bet you look at fellows everywhere you go, yet because you're involved, you tell yourself, this is just a phase, or a fantasy...right? There are a couple of Ex married Guys who visit this forum, and we'll all tell you the same thing. DON'T get married, unless you are absolutely sure that you have NO feelings for Guys. The minute you find that you CAN have an emotional relationship with a fellow, and have accepted who you really are, you will pine your life away in a marriage that you are locked into....it's soul destroying....I've been there, done that! Please sort out your life...come back and chat however many times you want here with us, but don't leave this alone. Regards

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: confused | 2007/05/14

Hi

Thanks for all the responses. I am in love with my girlfriend and want to get married and have kids. This love for men has been ever since I can remember. I was always attracted to both sexes. When I masturbate i think about men too. The thing is I dont want to be gay/bi, I never have its just something I seem to be (like they say, you are born gay). No matter how hard I try and fight it its just there. Now what makes it worse is that I am attracted to her brother! Must I just accept that I am bi or should I try and fight it the rest of my life.

I cant talk to my girlfriend as she does not like gays/bi and so does my family.

I dont want to loose my girlfriend cause I love her so much!

Should I have a relationship with a guy before we get married to see if this is just something I need to get out of me or what?

I hope this explains the type of situation I am in.

Reply to confused
Posted by: What to do? | 2007/05/11

Confused, I don't regard myself as being the right person to give advice, but let me just say this. I've been doubtfull about my sexuality my entire life. Nevertheless, I got married to my girlfriend of MANY years last year. I was 25. Now, I worry everyday about what I did and what's going to happen. I doubt that my feelings will magically disappear, but I know my wife will be CRUSHED if I come out. Please, if anything, don't get married if you're unsure about your sexuality. Get out before it's too late. TRUST ME!!!!

Reply to What to do?
Posted by: Gareth | 2007/05/11

Whatever you do, do not get married to this girl, no matter how long you guys have been together, or at the very least until you have spoken to her about this. If you love her, she really deserves to know. Perhaps not telling her that you are in love with your brother, but rather that you think you might be gay. This will give her a chance to deal with it too and decide about her future with or without you. You are lucky to realise these things now, while you can still do something about it. I was married when I realised who I really am, and believe me, it is not worth the pain and guilt, and no woman deserves to be put through that, especially willfully. But most important is that you give YOURSELF a chance. You need to work through this first before you can make life changing decisions like getting married or going for her brother. Maybe try and see a therapist to help you with this process. I do not know what your relationship with your girlfriend is, but seeing that you've been together for six years I assume that you know each other very well. If you talk to her and tell her about your fears and feelings, and make her understand that you are saying this to save her pain too, maybe she will understand and then it would not be so difficult if you do date her brother in the end. It doesn't matter if the brother is gay or not right now, what matters is that you should know whom YOU are first. Good luck and keep us updated.

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: Marloro | 2007/05/11

Hallo Confuse.
I think you must just find your self first. I was in a str8 relationship for a while even had a child with this lady. I love my son very much and he was not a mistake. The reason why i saying this to you is friend is please take it slow dont get into something that you are not sure of

Reply to Marloro

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