Posted by: Madlyinlove | 2005/11/28

In Love with a guy for few years, but not sure of his sexulaity.


I have been in love with a good friend of mine for some 3 years but have never had the courage to tell him, since I fear he may not be gay but straight, he has a girlfriend. I do know that he cares about me. This agony is making my life so miserable, what should I do ?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Madlyinlove and thanks for posting here.

Love is not a rational space to be in (as per your name, we speak of being 'madly in love') and you may want to do a cold reality check of what's actually going on here. Three years is an incredibly long time to be 'stuck' in your situation and this possibly has little to do with whether your friend is straight or gay. Even if he is gay, who's to say he'd reciprocate your love or want to have a relationship with you anyway?

This relationship is not functional for you. The object of your desire is simply not available to you - you could have been in love with someone living overseas, for example, or Tom Cruise for that matter. It is keeping you suspended in a complex situation and preventing you from forming more functional, real and reciprocal relationships with other people.

It may be time for you to admit that this is a dead-end street, and that you need to end this 'agony' soon. Try to define the relationship as a close friendship with mutual caring for each other and make a point of spending quality time away from him and meeting other people. This may require that you limit the frequency of your contact. Try to fill other areas of your life and if you need to, consult a counsellor.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Zee | 2005/11/30

Having been in a similar situation, I can honestly say that unfortunately the expert is right.... It is great to have a close buddy and you should see this guy as that. You can still love each other as friends. But if you want more than that, get out there, because you will be surprised - there are lots of wonderful gay guys out there just waiting for you ;-)

Reply to Zee
Posted by: Madlyinlove | 2005/11/30

Hi Forum and Expert

Thankyou for your caring response. Like you said love is not a rational thing. But the feelings in my heart I cannot rationalise over. I know I have the power to control my emotions, but I dont have the will anymore. I love this guy with all my heart. It really does not matter if he does not love me anyway, I will always love him. Life is about choices, I have made mine. God made me they way he did, I am not superman, and If I should be misderable for more years to come at least I know I loved someone who was worth loving. I cannot minimse contact with him, we work in a team of two persons at work, so that option I cannot follow unless I resign and financially I cannot do that.

Reply to Madlyinlove
Posted by: Dyl | 2005/11/29

As i see it there are 2 options here, hope that your friendship is strong enough for you to be able to tell him and still keep the friendship should he not be gay. or say nothing and wait for him to make a move. i do think however you should say nothing while he is involved, as this could cause unfair strain on his relationship with the gf.

you don't say how old you are, or if there have ever been signs from him that he is gay. does he know that you are gay?

i hope that thing work out for you, and remember , if they don't, there is plenty of time to be able to find mr right.


Reply to Dyl

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