Posted by: whattodo | 2005/12/01

In love should one

In love CS, should one give completely of themselves? Surrender heart and soul. Truly give your hert away and allow it to be swept up in the romance and passion? Is this ideal? Is this stupid idealism? Obviously the risk is a horribly shattered heart if all goes awry. However, is this not part of th point of really loving passionately? Or should one hold back for as long as possible, hold perhaps a part of his/her heart forever even? Thus ensuring that if things go horribly wrong there is something left and the damage is controlled? If this is best then how does one go about lerning to do so? To change one's nature?

Is it a sign of strenth if one surrenders heart and soul only to have it rejected time and time again but ech and every time heart and soul are surrenderd despite all the pain that has been suffered? Or is this plain stupid? Behaviour that needs to be adjusted?

I just don't know anymore.

How does one learn to spot true love or if it's just the idea of being in love?

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Our expert says:
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Gosh, what a vast question, W ! That's truly a 10 pm question ! I think that one can exaggerate the "throw caution to the winds, leave myself totally vulnerable" approach to love. As you say, it leaves you open to being terribly hurt. I think a sounder policy is one of progressively approach that degree of trust and openness with the other person, based on how well they handled the last step towards that goal. This way, you don't open the door to your heart before you've discovered reliably whether the other person is a burglar !
And I don't see it as a sign strength to make oneself repeatedly vulnerable and then get hurt in the same way, repeatedly. Surely strength lies in handling the first event bravely, and LEARNING FROM IT< so as not to repeat the situation so readily ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: VM | 2005/12/02

Hate to use the old cliche', but I really thing its true : It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

Life is really to short to bumble through it without love. I mean, why else are we alive? Is love not the ultimate thrill? I dont only mean romantic love either, love for parents, children, a pet, nature, chocolate, what ever.

Reply to VM
Posted by: ... | 2005/12/02

You are right KD... it is easier said than done... I have had my heartbroken too... and really know what that feels like!! I like to think that I learned from those experiences though... and in this relationship I am in now.... it took me 7 months to tell the man I loved him... and about 9 months before we had sex... that is pretty much not the norm today at all... after date two most people are ready to sleep together, not even knowing each other... which often results in a relationship of sorts forming where the each others expectations for the future aren't even known...

So.... taking things slow helps to build that relationship and understand each other before you become committed to each other.

9 months of seeing each other every weekend and sometimes during the week is a lot more time... we even went on holiday together and never had sex... most people didn't believe it but I am so glad for that now.

It's three years now, and our relationship is very strong... and I know that if he had to up and leave me it would be very painful... I might feel like dying or something ridiculous... but I will rather know that I might experience that pain in the future, and have this wonderful man in my life at this moment... and have experienced this deep capacity for love... it's awesome!

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Posted by: KD | 2005/12/02

... What you said is true but it's easier said than done. The worst is having been with someone for long and you've given your all just to have your heart broken - is it really worth it? Like you said, that's the risk you take, no guarantees in love. The saying does go "better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all" but when your heart is broken then you just wish that you never did love so deeply and completely cos the pain is too much to bear. Love is one the most unpredictable things in life. People get married claiming to love each other forever and then it does'nt work out. One person might feel that they have found true love just to have their partner turn around and say it's over. So when is it true love. Love is something everyone wants/desires but also the one thing that tears us to pieces. I guess when it comes to love all you can do is follow your gut insticts. If you hold back then you could lose someone good but you never really know. I'm just having a bit of a bad day - love certainly is'nt my friend at the moment.

Reply to KD
Posted by: ... | 2005/12/01

As I see it... it's not an either or situation.... sometimes we meet someone and we fall in love... usually those very first feelings are based on your assumptions of the person... it's not based on who the person is ... but rather who you THINK the person is and very often how that person makes you feel at the time....

So... when you have those initial feelings of attraction, it's best to keep reminding yourself that you don't really know the person... and take things slowly from there.... spend time together and see how things develop over time... don't be in a hurry to be in a committed relationship...make sure that the person is genuine and interested in you as a person as well..

It's not easy controlling all those feelings of attraction and so enjoy them, but understand what they are... and realise that they aren't some magical thing that you have no choice over...

You surrender your heart and soul as you put it.. only when you have reached a stage where you KNOW you can trust the person...and where there is mutual respect...

I think doing these things minimizes the chances of being hurt.... but there is no guarantee in love... and somehow... even if it's a temporary setback... there is a time when love will cause you some pain... it comes with the territory... but the saying of "it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all".. is for me very true!

not sure if that helps!

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