Posted by: Brian | 2013/02/19

In Love and in Dilemma

Hi All. I am 40yrs old with two kids from a single mom (parted ways long time ago) and in love with a 28yrs old lady with two kids of her own (both different dads) as well. We are both head over heels with each other and have moved in together already. Three months into the relationship we have discussed our past lives and i think we were both honest about everything. Mine was very stable, three long-term relationships including the mother of my kids. She was involved with the bad (notorius) guys in two of her relationships and was once voilently raped before she had kids. I happen to know all of her previous boyfriends (six of them) before i knew her and never knew of these relationships until i met her. One of them a distant relative of mine of which we see occassionaly since he stays in the same neighborhood. This guy once confided in me (out of the blue) that he regrets losing her and went on telling how sex was good between them, i just brushed it off then. The father of her first born child dissapeared and never supported the child, she was then involved with an old married man for financial gain (she confided that as well) though she insisted that they never had sex. My girlfriend has assured me that she is over and done with all her past men including the rape. I assist her by supporting her kids since she is unemployed, she never finished high school because of involvement with the bad guys. The father of the second child also broke up with her and once in a while he send some money for the kid, my girlfriend is not keen to get child maintenance from him. All this keeps on coming up my mind though i try to leave it in the past and always when we have a fight these issues always clouds me. I have never brought these things up in any of our fights but i realise that no matter how much i love her, this is killing me. I really love her but i have feelings that this relationship will never work in the future, i have noticed that we are having more fights over issues some of them petty. This is now starting to affect my sexual perfomance with her. The relationship is 8 months old and in the past, her past life never bothered me. We did discuss marriage and having our baby together but i cant outlive her past.
I also had introduced her to my parents when the relationship was new and now it worries me as to how would they react should they happen to know her past. The raised me following strong Christian principles and i also made sure not to be involved in bad stuff and people.
I feel now recently that i am in this because of pitty also at the same time i feel strong love feelings for her.
Please guys, what will be the best thing to do in this situation. I am a graduate with a stable job.
Thanks and God Bless.

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Posted by: Woman | 2013/02/20

Brain you dont think your strong Christian principles can help you transform this woman into a better person. Not everyone had the same luxuries in life, some people lived on mud while others had all the roses.

Its sad cause along the Christian life one of the elements imposed in that ''thou shall not judge''. Are you judging this lady Brian, only you can answer that.

Now, to start with its not like you didnt know she is a drop out with kids from different dads when you fell in love with her. I actually respect this woman for being so open and honest with you despite how shallow her past is. She didnt try to paint an image of who she idolises to be, she gave you the real deal. That for me sounds like someone who needs safety and security to be rescued from her past life. Yes, her past was harsh and its normal to actually be disturbed by it. But making a decision based on her past you were never part of is unfair.

Life is a test, you surely know that and nothing is ever easy. Unless you give me reasons why you shouldnt trust her now then you are just like judas iscariot. How many of the disciples in the holy book do you know who were just as holy before they saw the light.

At your age i am sure you will be matured enough to draw a line between past, present and future. I couldnt help but wonder if the constant petty fights you have could be as a result of your bottled fear and uncertainties. You need to examine yourself brother and do some serious introspection about what you really want, i just hope you will be as christian about it cause your past is not as glowy yourself.

Every one deserve another chance, every troubled and lost soul needs to find some salvation at some point, even if it is through you. I advise you to do what is good for you and for her, do not harden your heart just be realistic.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Pretty Pear | 2013/02/20

Well put guys...i admire your neutral responses...

Honesty is vital, but i think she was too honest...we all have skeletons, however its natural for men to be turned off by some of the things as a woman you not proud of, revealed...
She shouldnt have lied but kept her mouth shut khange abuzwe, jonga ngoku she''s about to lose inqatha emlonyeni due to things she may not have control over.:-)

Back to the subject...Brian in all fairness on your side, in agreement with the others you just need to be honest...more particularly ukuthi: what is she doing yena for herself? she''s got you now for support self-development so she can be a better partner in your life...what is she thinking? sitting there feeling sorry for herself? i''m sure you cant deal!

Reply to Pretty Pear
Posted by: Mom | 2013/02/20

So sex is good indeed hence you also moved in so quick but for her the moving in helped because she has someone to support her. Tough in all ways but I know men do not mind being providers so that cannot be the reason to dump him. Her past bothers you but would you rather she had lied. Poor girl has suffered violence which is what we are talking about this period in this country. I know we want to support but when it hits home it aint easy.

Practical steps:
1) List all the things you love about her
2) List all the things you dont like about her eg her past
3) Weigh these against your own life goals, will you be able to live with all this and be happy and content going forward? If the answer is yes then stay but if the answer is no, tell her that just like the other guys, you also want to eat the cake without owning eat :-)

Reply to Mom
Posted by: Zee | 2013/02/19

If you strongly feel that it will not work out, then there''s no point in trying. You need to let her go, not because of what people say, etc, etc, but because you feel that love alone will not be enough to make it work.

You need to be honest with her and tell her that it''s not working out. You need to ask her to move out. You can give her a 1-month notice or something, but be honest. There will be tears, she will be hurt, but rather now than live feeling trapped, with regret! Anyway, that''s what I''d want my partner to do.

At 40, you shouldn''t be worried about what your parents will think, but you should be worried about making the right choices for you, which will also benefit your children. What do you want? You also want a partner who will be a partner, emotionally, financially and other aspects.

Would you rather she had lied to you?

NB: I think this is more than to do with her past. I think also the reality of it all has dawned on you, that people don''t survive on love alone and the fact that she is all dependent on you might be making you to think otherwise.. She is a liability to you and basically lives off you, and now you have 3 extra mouths to feed and take care of, etc. That can be a turn-off as well.

Seeing that you feel strongly that this relationship will not work in the future:
1. You need to be honest with her and tell her that it''s not working out for you, give her reasons if you must and ask her to move out. It''s not easy, but you need to do it soon, before you find yourself trapped. Or ask her for space, I don''t know, but you guys need time apart while you are figuring things out.

Reply to Zee
Posted by: Amasi | 2013/02/19

There are few rules here to think of:
1. Leave the past in the past, having known the six guys she mentioned is not good for your ego especially when meeting them. Oh, those six were mentioned so that in case like your cousin one has told you something.

2. If you decide to date very low, you should wonder if the person has interest of picking herself up (graduate to STD9). If not, it is a burden.

3. You never tell your family about bad history of your lady. They will never forgive her for it. They will always consider you to have drank a StaySoft.

4. Oh, that cousin who wants her again? Make sure they play afar as it is bad if your relatives has a thing for you girl. Of course I do checkout my cousin''s girl but have not intent of taking it further.

5. Having been on very few relationships while the girl has more rocky ones may sometimes make you feel like a saint. Get over yourself as she was enjoying herself while you were studying, you cant get it all in life.

6. A man knows very soon if the relationship will work, marriage material. So decide if you want to enjoy that relationship or endure it.

7. Petty fights are serious fights according to me. It is because of some big fight that is being avoided e.g. one party wanting out but lacking guts.

Other issues to take in mind:
8. How is love from her side? Are you also a meal ticket?
9. To what extent does she goes to ensure you have a succesful relationship. If she goes out of her way, there will be success but if she doesn''t they you must cut your losses.

If you dont understand all the yada yada you have written above and my response, I will interpret for you:



Reply to Amasi

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