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Question
Posted by: Curious | 2005/12/14

In love

I need some serious advice / tips on how to tell if this womans feels anything at all for me - please be gentle as I have loved her for the past 4 years. To make a long story short - This is the woman who made me admit to myself that I am in fact gay. I fell in love with her about 4 years ago (I didn't know her name; in which dept of our company she worked, NOTHING. Just that I was in love). She however had and still has a partner. We have over these past 4 years had the occasional chat via e-mail and when walking into each other as well. The past few months however have progressed quite a ways. Small things make me think that she might be interested and could be 'testing the waters' so to speak but then I think I might be seeing things cause I so deperately want these things to be there? Keep in mind that she is a very outgoing, peoples peron..... Some of these things include - 'stolen glances'. I feel & see out the corner of my eye that she sometimes looks at me while I'm chatting to someone else for example; She tends to stand VERY close to me (except when her partner is in the vicinity), even when sitting next to each other sometimes her leg will touch mine without her moving away. She tends to touch me a lot (When walking past me for example she'll slide her hand over my back, she'll touch my leg quite often) Another thing, is these days she tends to look at my mouth a lot when we are communicating (I read somewhere that this could mean that the person would like to kiss you??). Most of these things she only does when her partner is not around...? How would i be able to tell for sure - without letting her know how I feel - if she feels anything for me? I can't say anything to her as i am affraid of being rejected and spoiling a friendship. I also do not want to actively be the cause of any troubles with her and her partner.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Curious and welcome to our forum. Your post is beautifully poignant and very sad and of course we'll be gentle with you.

You don't tell us whether she is gay or not; on this forum we've heard from several people who've fallen in love with straight people and our advice has generally been that they need to move on. Four years is a very long time to harbour such feelings for someone who's definitely unavailble to you.

Based on the information you provide it does indeed sound as if she's at least very aware of you, or aware of your interest in her. You mention that she frequently touches you, but you don't tell us whether she does the same to others she interacts with. Obviously you're searching for cues that would indicate that she cares for you. I have two reservations. Firstly, that you've developed such strong feelings for her that you may tend to justify these by interpreting her behaviour incorrectly, in a manner that reinforces your need for her approval and love. And secondly, that she's fully aware of your feelings but simply enjoying your attention and flirting with you.

Perhaps you need to begin socialising with her outside of the office, in a neutral space, and gauge how she responds to you. There are countless ways in which you can, over time, make your feelings known without being too direct and having to deal with the humiliation of rejection. Invite her out to lunch one day, if she's been ill phone her to find out how she's doing, find a way of spending quality moments together, bring her a tiny gift on her birthday, or ask her to read a passage from a book you've recently read. If you sense a negative response from her, back off and accept that she's not interested. If she responds positively give the relationship time to grow and develop but set a limit on how long this can continue before you'll be obliged to discuss your feelings with her. You can't continue as you have been doing for the past four years - you're not being kind to yourself. There's always a risk of being rejected, but on the other hand there's the risk that if you don't resolve this you'll be in the same uncomfortable and frustrating position (not knowing how she feels about you) ten years from now. Set a very clear limit on three months - max - to tell her. Don't go the anonymous route - that will only perpetuate or exacerbate the current uncertainty and result in complex game-playing.

If you're still in this position in four months time please post again but then give us permission to not be so gentle.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Curious | 2005/12/15

Thanks to Expert & PP for all your advise. I'll definately take all you've said into concideration and act accordingly. By the way,yes she is gay and no she woul never toy with my feeling (knowing how I feel and let it go on for the attention she's getting). I honestly have noticed her touching gay men in a similar manner but have not noticed her touching any other women like this - I will make a point to look out for this. I will definatly get back to you guys on this matter and ask you to not be gentle should things not work out as I can not go on like this for much longer - as the Expert has stated I am not being kind to myself. Wish me luck!!

Reply to Curious
Posted by: Peter Pan | 2005/12/14

Yes there is a way of telling her and no one getting hurt, its called flirt101, send an sms to the following number 0820025113 and register it is anonomous, follow the intructions, then sms her number to the number above and you can chat directly, without her knowing who you are, all she needs to know is that you are a secret admirer, I hope I have been able to help you, I know it feels.

Reply to Peter Pan
Posted by: Curious | 2005/12/14

Peter Pan,

Thanx for response. Yes it has to be honest been an excrutiating 4 years. Quite simply put I don't have the guts to tell her. I am soooo afraid that she rejectes me and I would simply die if that were to happen + I am also afraid of ruining the friendship should she not feel the same cause let's face it if she knows how I feel and doesn't feel the same way back - she might feel she needs to 'stay away' from me. Sometimes I feel sooo certain that I am not reading things into her behaviour but then sometimes I'm not sure. All I know is that I want to be with her so very much and I die a little every day knowing that she is not with me. This is driving me insane!!! Is there no other way of telling? Someone told me to 'plant a seed' - kind of let her know that I am interested without making it too obvious or making a big do of it. How do I do this? I tend to be too obvious ...

Reply to Curious
Posted by: Peter Pan | 2005/12/14

Curious

Love just happens, uou dont have to know someones name to be in love with them, From all accounts it appears she does have feelings for you. you need to approach it carefully, 4 years is a long time to love someone without telling them, why dont you go and have a drink with her someday outside the office environment and wait for the gap and tell her how you feel.

Reply to Peter Pan

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