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Question
Posted by: ????? | 2004/11/12

in-laws

I and husband have been married for 4yrs. In that 4yrs myself and brother in-law has never seen eye to eye. I simply hate the man. We have 3 children together and they have one. Before the birth of my third child and his first I called him and asked him to make peace. I asked him for the sake of the kids we should try and be friends. He refused point blank. I have gotten to point that I don’t want anything to do with them. They live around the corner from me and we do not go there. They are not allowed at my place either. We have not seen the child since it was born three months ago. I don’t want them ever to think of inviting any of my children to any parties. When my husband goes there it becomes a terrible argument between us and I hit the roof. Once he brought home furniture of theirs to repair. I took it out of my yard and threw it into the street. My mother in-law tries very hard to fit in. She knows not to mention them around me and when they at her place we leave. I don’t want my children to associate myself with them and I don’t want my husband to associate himself with them. The thought of the kids being cousins sends chills down my spine. I know it is wrong to have them not play with their cousin. This feeling I have is real and it is intense. Is it possible to have this strong emotion of dislike for someone? I feel that I have tried my part to make peace and therefore am under no obligation to try and form a relationship with them. To have my children avoid and disassociate themselves with their cousin seems to be the most natural thing to do. What do you think? I know it is going to become very ugly and uncomfortable because children tend to be children. They would want to play with each other. What should I do?????

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I get the impression that you don't like this brother-in-law, his wife and kids, his oxen and his goats, and you're none too keen on their front lawn, either ?
But those chills down the spine sound like a bit too much. If your kids have lots of other friends, they won't necessarily insist on playing with nastyguy's kids, will they ?
I gather he's unpleasant, unreasonably disliked you from the start, and ignored your attempt to call a truce, so it's fair enough to not want to mix with him. But it sounds like this anger on your side is growing rather too much, to the point that it probably doesn't bother him ( indeed, you're probably helping him to feel that his initial dislike of you was justified, rather than realizing that he was unreasonable and unfair ). Now the anger is becoming more of a problem for you and your immediate family, than for him. You're giving him too much power to make you feel bad, by making him far too important. Thnink of counselling for yourself, to free yourself from this corrosive anger.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Star | 2004/11/15

Hi

Dr Phil always says that we must not burden the children with adults issues. I think you should continue to play your part and be polite to your brother in-law, you dont have to like him at all if you don't want, just tolerate him - you dont want your children to grow up in all this animosity, do you?

Let the children be, if they want to play with each other, let them. Nothing is going to happen to them.

I hope for your sake and your family's, you patch things up with your brother in-law. Maybe you should ask your husband to set up a meeting with both families so you guys can talk. He is the one in the middle of this thing anyway.
Good luck

Reply to Star
Posted by: Woman of Substance | 2004/11/15

???? get a life. How dare you want to control your husband this way? Do you think you own the man? Blood will always be thicker than water. One day, your husband will walk out on you and live happily with his children and his brothers children. You say you threw his property out of your yard, I think you need help. You are a sick woman and this hatred in you is going to kill you. Those innocent children of yours dont live in a vacuum. they need their cousins whether you like it or not and one day, they will resent you for all your crazy actions. You say your brother in law hates you and refuses to speak with you, I think I understand why, no one will want to associate themselves with a woman of your kind. If you really wanted to talk this thing over, your actions could have done it for you. Go and see you their child, ignore any negative vibes coming yoour way and send them Xmas presents, with time, you brother in law(if really he is a problem) will realise that you mean good.
Wake up before you loose this man you are trying to control.

Reply to Woman of Substance
Posted by: shocked at you ????????????? | 2004/11/12

Tiny, J you guys are right, I cannot understand how this woman has so much hatred in her, and this has spilled over onto the innocent parties in the families. Sham on you, try and find forgivingness in you heart and most of all your soul. A famous man once said, if you hate your enemy, you destroy your self. You sound bitter and twisted, dont spil the lives of the poor children

Reply to shocked at you ?????????????
Posted by: Tata | 2004/11/12

what happend between the two of u cos it sounds liike u hate the man more than he hates you.

Reply to Tata
Posted by: J | 2004/11/12

You are entitled to dislike your brother-in-law for whatever reason.However, do not expect your husband or your children to feel the same way.
I am not totally convinced that you want to patch things up with your hubby's brother. At least your actions above, says something else.
You are not obliged to go to your in-laws place, but at least tolerate them when they come over to yours.It is your hubby's brother, after all.How would you feel if your husband treated a member of your family this way?
Also, do not drag the children in all the hostilities.It is so unfair to force kids to make such unreasonable choices.
Be polite to your brother-in-law and in time, he will reciprocate.

Good luck.

Reply to J
Posted by: tiny | 2004/11/12

First thing you don't say waht makes you to hate them,

what is is that make you to be like this, i thikn you live a devilsh life and you'll get sick of what're doing how can u stop the children to play with their cousins, children are children,

in fact you are wrong by acting like that to your brotherinlaw, i don't think even your hubby love sthat ieda, what if he divorce u and marry another wife who will love his brother in law and his family. i think u don't deserve to be a woman, if you're a real woman you 'll forgive and forget watever they did to u.

what if one day your children plya with their cousins and one of your children hurt himself and they take him to hospital , will you ever say why they took him to hopsital

please thikn twice and make peace with evryone and you'll live happily than ever.

Reply to tiny

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