Posted by: Flower | 2009/08/03

In-law advise

Hey cybershrink

How does one go about treating a person who is a little mentally unstable and have Parkinson’ s and show sighs of altzimers (spelling).

The problem is my father in law is the person suffering from the above, to top that he also had his prostate removed about two and a half years ago and since then he has been leaking urine... like a whole bladder full.. Now he and my mother in law don’ t get along, he cheated on her and that ruined their relationship, but she decided to stay because she did not want to uproot the kids... so there is no love lost there. My mother in law has decided that she cannot live like this anymore, since my father in law has no care about personal hygiene –  and uses the towels in the house as “ nappies”  and leaving them all over the place stinking up the house, and his room and bed and his bedding is just as bad since he leaks all over it.
Now my Mother in law spoke to the children about putting him in a home, but instead of getting some support from them they all got up in arms and screamed at her.
My father in law went to his daughter yesterday morning and exposed him self to her and told her to have a look (not in a sexual way)
What is your few on this short (but long) problem, what would you suggest.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its not easy, is it ? Well, I guess after his op, he's not going to be able to cheat again. He should start wearing adult nappies, for a start, available at most supermarkets and quite handy. Similarly, medical supply shops can seel a rubber sheet, and there are, in some supermarkets and pharmacies, some disposable mini-sheets to absorb some urine, which could be used over ordinary sheets.
But it is a lot of work. It seems most unfortunate that when your MIL approached the children they just screamed and did not offer to help. She should have asked them to suggest solutions other than her carrying the whole burden, and made it clear that if they don't want him to go into a home, they will have to provide the cae he needs.
I'm not sure what you are describing about him exposing himself to his daughter but not in a sexual way --- was he asking for an inspection or advice about the leaking of urine ? A urologist might have some ideas of procedures that could help improve his ability to control his urine, as it followed on the operation. There are also some medicines which can improve this.
If indeed dementia, of whatever origin, is becoming part of the problem, he will either need a live-in caregiver, or to move to a home which can care for him. The children must recognize their mother's needs as well, and not just expect her to handle all of the work and strain
Anyone else have any ideas ?

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