Posted by: Patricia | 2007/08/08


Dear Doctor,
I wrote you a few days ago (message number 1964) because I kept thinking my bf was dead and had terrible nightmares... I decided to explain everything to him and asked him to say something. He keeps ignoring me though. I know he was online the other day and I'm no longer worried. But why didn't he say something?
When I broke up with him, I thought he had someone else because he had stopped showing he cared and I couldn't take it any more. However, I don't know if he has someone and I'm afraid I was impulsive and unfair to him when I said goodbye. But he didn't even bothered to tell me how he was feeling. He ignored me.
I know I've been too jealous, too insecure, too unfair sometimes and selfish, but on the other hand I lived for him alone and gave him everything I could. I tried to be as good as a gf can be. And he seemed quite happy with that. But all of a sudden I feel he has never really loved me. To think that all I wanted from him now was a hello to know he was okay and that he cared.
I'm trying to move on and find someone else, but it hurts me a lot to think that the best 3 years of my life were nothing but an illusion. Is it possible that he's just too hurt and wants me to suffer a little to learn that I've been unfair? I wish this was the case. I wish I could remember his sweet smile and his passionate personality until I die. I don't want anything to destroy this beautiful image ever, because it is my only treasure.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe he said nothing because he couldn't think of something useful to say ? There seems to have been a break-up that was geographical, but not emotional --- you still seem to be thinking of him for far too much of the time --- where's the emotional break ? Rather than pickling yourself in regrets, try to more briskly learn the lessons from whatever went wrong so as not to make the same mistakes next time ( and a counsellor can really help with this exercise ) and move on. Unfortunate if you feel 3 years of your life were wasted on an illusion --- if you learn how to avoid wasting time in the same way in the future, then the three years were not really wasted. By focussing so fiercely on preserving your carefully selected image of the glorified icon of him you hav e constructed, you prevent yourself from moving at all, and prevent yourself from recovering and progressing.
Let go.

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Our users say:
Posted by: hope | 2007/08/08

As hard as it may be, the best thing is probably for you to give him some space. It does hurt, and you will replay moments in your head, the should haves and wish I would haves, however, time heals all wounds, and that may be what you both need right now. He doesn't have the opportunity to miss you because you try to contact him, so it's like you are still there. make him wonder what you are doing, and why you aren't trying to contact him, then he will think a little and maybe come around. He may have some issues with trusting you, if you are the one who cut it off. He might be trying to figure things out right now. Don't think that he didn't love you because if he didn't, your relationship probably wouldn't have lasted as long as it did. Sometimes, people grow and change and want different things. Their interests change. And if you are not growing together, chances are, you are growing apart. Just give it some time, sounds like you too could use a little time to think and heal, and then look at things from a new perspective.

Reply to hope
Posted by: Patricia | 2007/08/08

I forgot to say that I'm ready to start a new life because I realize he needs more than I can give him and I want him to feel free to go and look for what he needs. It's not that I don't want him. There is nothing I want more. But I'm trying to be less selfish and give him the chance to find happiness wherever it is.

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